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Checking my reasonable barometer

(45 Posts)
lostmyshizzle Sat 08-Apr-17 17:21:21

DH and I have had a big row and i feel I've lost sense of who's being unreasonable right now...I'm hoping putting it down here might help, apologies it's long winded!
Basically a few months ago DH was invited to a colleague's wedding, evening only, no partners invited due to tight budget. Friends I've mentioned this to said they would be put out by that but to be honest, I don't know the guy, we have two small children and would have had to find over night child care so I thought ok I can live with not going.

Then it turned out DH had also been invited to the stag do (3 nights abroad!) I was not happy about this but DH has never been on a stag before and considers this guy to be a really good friend (weird because I haven't met him and he's only been invited to the evening do but whatever, after a few disagreements about it, I got over it).
So the wedding is today. DH is booked into a hotel, having arranged to share a room with another male colleague. I was sort of ok with it finally...
UNTIL DH messed up big style this week by going out after work, getting hideously drunk, missing the train home and sleeping in the office. To make matters worse he didn't let me know what was happening so I was up all night worrying and then having established he was alive after all, fuming all the following day that he was too busy to show any remorse or try to make amends. To give a bit more background, DH works in a very sociable industry and him going out after work (I'm a SAHM) is big source of conflict for us (the only source of conflict really). We have an ongoing cycle where he goes AWOL (never before to the point of not actually coming home though), I get upset and angry because going AWOL is not an option for me, nor would I want to. Then we make up and all is good until the next time.

Well this time I've had enough. I told him he's blown it and can't go to the wedding. He said this was totally unreasonable. So I offered a compromise of go but don't drink and instead drive home tonight. It's a couple of hours drive away. The only way I got him to agree to that was by storming out of the house and letting him stew for a bit (I know, not my finest hour). He's gone. He's very pissed off. Whether or not he sticks to the agreement remains to be seen...who is being unreasonable?

Salmotrutta Sat 08-Apr-17 17:25:34

I think he is.

Floralnomad Sat 08-Apr-17 17:26:39

Sounds like to all intents and purpose your dh and his friends / colleagues think he is a single man , not a situation I would be putting up with especially as he has the excuse of working in a 'sociable industry ' .

Salmotrutta Sat 08-Apr-17 17:26:59

That was a bit short grin

Sounds like he goes out a lot and I think thats not the way for a husband and father to behave.

Bluntness100 Sat 08-Apr-17 17:27:21

You. He doesn't need your permission to go out. It was already arranged and the rooms booked, driving home is shit when it's that distance. The issue with him staying out is a different one and you need to discuss that seperatly as his behaviour was inconsiderate and uncaring due to the worry it caused.

However you talk about him like he's your son. He needs your permission, he's not allowed, he messed up.

Neither of you are behaving well. If I was him I'd stay out just to fuck you off even more. I really would. For the simple reason no one gives me permission to go out or tells me what I'm allowed to do.

For me your marriage sounds totally dysfunctional and neither of you treat the other with any form of love or respect.

Temporaryanonymity Sat 08-Apr-17 17:27:48

You both are.

2cats2many Sat 08-Apr-17 17:30:17

Sorry, but you lost me at "I told him he's blown it and can't go to the wedding."

If my spouse spoke to me like that I'd be sticking two fingers up at them and running to the wedding. Are you his wife or his mother?

HemiDemiSemiquaver Sat 08-Apr-17 17:30:49

I think you are, sort of. His behaviour this week is obviously not acceptable, but I don't think that has anything to do with whether or not he should be going to the wedding.

What difference does him not drinking and coming home early really make to you? It will spoil it for him, and just seems like you're punishing him, as it's not like you want him to come home to spend some nice time together or anything - he'll be resentful, you'll be annoyed, it'll just be pointless. So it's like you're punishing him, as a parent would, just for the sake of it.

Does he know how much you resented him going on the stag do or going to the wedding? Or was that just in your head? I don't see why he shouldn't have negotiated the time off, lots of people do things without their partners, and it doesn't seem unreasonable to start with. To then hold that against him when judging him current 'crime', seems unfair.

But I don't think what he did this week was acceptable either, and needs to be discussed and dealt with separately.

CaptainBraandPants Sat 08-Apr-17 17:30:50

I agree with Temporary, neither of you come out of this well.

Bluntness100 Sat 08-Apr-17 17:31:38

If my spouse spoke to me like that I'd be sticking two fingers up at them and running to the wedding. Are you his wife or his mother?

Exactly and if a woman posted her husband had said that to her then everyone would be calling him a controlling bastard, telling her to go to the wedding and LTB.

cansu Sat 08-Apr-17 17:32:10

You are being v unreasonable and controlling. You are entitled to be pissed off by him staying out allnight pissed but that has fuck all to do with him going to a wedding. You are being petty and pathetic frankly by saying he can only go if he cones home and doesnt drink etc. You sound pretty awful.

Moanyoldcow Sat 08-Apr-17 17:33:03

Both of you.

They're two separate issues and you should treat them as such.

The Wedding is arranged and booked. Personally I'd send him off and be glad of the space to think.

The periodic AWOL stuff is your big issue and you need to sort this out properly. It's disrespectful to not let you know what's happening - a 'sociable' working environment isn't a valid excuse.

When you make up is he actually sorry? Or does he just wait until it's all blown over and reset and repeat? He sounds childish but you can't punish an adult who is your equal and regardless of the backstory, of my husband didn't allow me to go somewhere I'd tell him to fuck off.

SmileEachDay Sat 08-Apr-17 17:34:02

Makes me glad I'm single....

I think you're both behaving like eejits.

Crunchymum Sat 08-Apr-17 17:34:13

How often do these impromptu nights out happen? (Him going AWOL)

witsender Sat 08-Apr-17 17:34:32

You are really. He behaved like an idiot earlier in the week but you don't get to dictate what he does. You are not his parent able to ground him.

witsender Sat 08-Apr-17 17:35:26

You see to think you are his parent, and that punishing him is part of your role.

TestingTestingWonTooFree Sat 08-Apr-17 17:38:15

He behaved unreasonably but you can't ground him for it, he's your husband not your child.

LassWiTheDelicateAir Sat 08-Apr-17 17:40:41

You are both being unreasonable. There 2 separate issues.

MangoSplit Sat 08-Apr-17 17:43:46

He is being completely unreasonable to stay out all night without letting you know. That is absolutely shocking behaviour.

However, I think that 'punishing' him by withdrawing permission for him to go to this wedding is a bit childish. I can understand you're furious though!

aaaaargghhhhelpme Sat 08-Apr-17 17:45:09

I think you're allowing the issue of him going awol to seep into the other issue of him always being out without you.

I might be off track but I get a lot of resentment that you're looking after three dcs whilst he basically lives up his single footloose and fancy free social life. The feeling I get is you appreciate its part of his Job so Tolerate it but this wedding (to someone not that close) is the 'straw that broke the camels back' as it were.

I understand the awol thing is upsetting. It's disrespectful. And the sort of thing most people do when they're single.

But I don't think 'telling' him what to do will end well. He's an adult. Even if he doesn't always act like one!

Id spend the evening thinking about what it really is that upsets you. What you want from this relationship. What's possible in this relationship considering his social job (and also what he might want). And take it from there flowers

lostmyshizzle Sat 08-Apr-17 17:46:17

Thank you for your responses. Lots of people seeing the parent/teenager thing going on. I totally agree it's not a good dynamic we have right now. Definitely the result of me being at home and him repeating the pattern. That's clearly the bit we need to work on. I'm thinking I'll text him to say stay over.

Rainybo Sat 08-Apr-17 17:47:02

YABU you can't tell him he can't go somewhere! It does sound like you're his parent and he is the child who won't behave.

You both need to sit down and talk. Like adults.

AnnieOnAMapleLeaf Sat 08-Apr-17 17:48:51

He's behaved like an ass but you telling him that he can't go is ridiculous! He's a grown man and, whether you're married or not, he doesn't need your permission.

Rainybo Sat 08-Apr-17 17:49:12

Or you could text him and say it's his choice what to do tonight, you were angry earlier and you would like to talk properly soon.

You equally can't now give him permission to stay over. confused

BoomBoomsCousin Sat 08-Apr-17 17:50:59

I don't think a "you have to be a boy scout tonight, because you were naughty earlier this week" is the best way to deal with the issue. It's treating him like a teenager rather asking him to understand your situation and appreciate his responsibilities.

In some ways it would perhaps have been better off to go AWOL yourself when you stormed off so he had to experience what it was like to be unable to do what he wanted because you were out of touch and your joint children need care 24/7. But an even better way would be to sit down when you are both in a good mood and come to an agreement about what you can both deal with in this (and other) regards and about how much you are both prepared to support each other in your lives together.

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