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To ask your child to keep quiet

(135 Posts)
LozyLou Sat 08-Apr-17 16:41:06

Hi I need to vent about my SiL. I don't to want to be accused of drip feeding so will put you in the picture. My partners sister is married with three children although for a good few years now they have been claiming to be separated. However my Dh and and dBil have both suspected for a while now that something isn't quite right. Top and bottom of it is that despite claiming to be separated they still live very much as though they are together. At first I didn't think much of it as it's to be expected most decent parents would want to keep things amicable if only for the sake of their children. Anyway as time has gone on I've seen and heard things that have made me to believe that this isn't your typical mature and friendly separation.

My husband's sister moved out of her rented home some time ago now as she managed to get a house with her local council and the children's dad moved back in with his parents a short drive away. They still live in each other's pockets and he spends the majority of time at her house when he's not working. Child support aside as that's what you'd expect any loving father to provide, he still financially supports her, gives her money on a weekly basis to treat herself not just the children. He works on her house doing home improvements and spends the weekends with her having take always, watching TV, going on nights out etc.

Now I expect to be told that it's none of my business, and you're right it's not. However they are toying with their children's emotions here and I know for a fact they've been asking their children to keep quiet about their set up but kids are kids and they have confided in my children about how things are at home. The most recent being they have gone on holiday abroad together as a family but told no one and yesterday my Dd and niece have been on FaceTime and she's been talking about her holiday telling her she'd had a great time, what she'd been up to etc but she's also slipped up and said that her dad had gone with them and that she wasn't supposed to say anything.

If the benefit system has a loophole that allows couples to live like this and get away it then that's just the way it is. I don't agree with it one bit but there is nothing I can do. What I can't accept is that they are expecting their children to lie for them. What kind of a life is this?. Yes they may have more money living like this than they would have if they claimed as a couple but what decent parent puts money above their own children's peace of mind and happiness. My Dh is going to have a word with his mum but at the end of the day what can she do. His sister is a grown woman and is the most stubborn person so will do what she wants to do. But I can't help feel angry and feel for the kids having to live a lie. AiBu here?

hmcAsWas Sat 08-Apr-17 16:43:39

It isn't really any of your business

CakesAreBiscuitsToo Sat 08-Apr-17 16:44:41

Do they have a huge telly?

<yawn>

Go after the tax dodgers. They are far far more worrying than this shitty little situation.

Or the landed gentry. Why they are on benefits because they are rich. The fuckers.

PortiaCastis Sat 08-Apr-17 16:45:09

Butt out, it's none of your business

CakesAreBiscuitsToo Sat 08-Apr-17 16:46:24

YABU to ask me to do anything with my child.

WorraLiberty Sat 08-Apr-17 16:47:59

Maybe they're fed up of finding an enormous nose in their personal family business?

Oysterbabe Sat 08-Apr-17 16:51:40

Yeah it's none of your damn business. Maybe find yourself a hobby?

LozyLou Sat 08-Apr-17 16:54:42

I've already said I know that it's none of my business but people will always have an opinion. My opinion is that it's never acceptable to expect your children to lie for you. I'm quite surprised you all think that it's ok actually.

PortiaCastis Sat 08-Apr-17 16:56:49

Why plaster somebody elses life on the internet, that is not ok !

Branleuse Sat 08-Apr-17 16:57:46

if hes actually running a seperate home and paying bills there, and not spending the nights with her, then theyre not doing anything wrong by having a relationship.

Winniethepooer Sat 08-Apr-17 16:58:28

Maybe if you weren't so opinionated then they wouldn't make their dc lie?

I really don't think its anyone's business but theirs.

LozyLou Sat 08-Apr-17 16:58:41

Well in that case why does anyone post on here. People post about family all the time and they also post about lots of petty things that aren't really important. It's not as though they'll be identified from the information provided really is it.

LozyLou Sat 08-Apr-17 17:00:03

I've never voiced my opinion about this situation to anyone other than my Dh who bless the first to bring it up. He's concerned that his nieces and nephews should not be made to tell lies and I can't help but agree with him.

CakesAreBiscuitsToo Sat 08-Apr-17 17:00:55

I think most people think it's none of your business. That is an answer.

A serious answer.

LozyLou Sat 08-Apr-17 17:01:44

He's not running a separate home he's living with his parents, rent free as far as I'm aware. If he were running his own home it wouldn't be make financial sense for them to pretend to be separated as financially after paying out for rent and bills on a second home it wouldn't be beneficial.

TestingTestingWonTooFree Sat 08-Apr-17 17:02:36

I agree with you OP. Different set up, but as a teenager DH knew his mum was having an affair, he had to keep her secrets, I think it was selfish of her.

Katinkka Sat 08-Apr-17 17:03:47

If he was running a separate home then fine but sounds like he's dossing at his parents so saving a lot of money etc. Sounds super dodgy to me and she could get into trouble.

LozyLou Sat 08-Apr-17 17:03:54

Fair enough. So what you're saying is that it's acceptable for a parent to insist that their child lies? If they would at least admit to family that they are together and therefore their children wouldn't need to lie then that would be something. If they had nothing to hide the why insist their children keep quiet?

CakesAreBiscuitsToo Sat 08-Apr-17 17:05:27

I think it's totally acceptable to stay out of other people's business.

LozyLou Sat 08-Apr-17 17:06:58

She won't get into trouble as the children's dad is legally registered at his parents house ie he's on the electoral roll. If he was sofa surfing at friends houses then I think it would look suspicious to the benefits department but as it stands they're not on their radar. I'm not saying that they should be reported that actually is none of my business. I'm more concerned about the kids as they shouldn't have to like this. I honestly don't think they know any difference now as it's been going on for a long time but they're old enough to realise something isn't quite right and that they shouldn't be lying.

MamaBearsBoys Sat 08-Apr-17 17:07:32

I would report them. I can fully understand why this would annoy you, people work and pay taxes so that others can take advantage like this. I assume all the people that say otherwise are also claiming benefits! (Some may even be claiming benefits they are not entitled to!)

MamaBearsBoys Sat 08-Apr-17 17:09:08

Oh and I will also add I don't agree with getting the children to lie. Great example being set for them.

LozyLou Sat 08-Apr-17 17:09:12

It is acceptable to do so you're right. But when my niece is messaging my Dd and then she's asking questions what am I supposed to say? My niece may have enjoyed her holiday and enjoys being spoiled as her mum an dad have extra cash but I don't think she's at all comfortable with having to keep secrets.

gammaraystar Sat 08-Apr-17 17:09:36

MYOB, you sound bored. Get a hobby?

PortiaCastis Sat 08-Apr-17 17:10:21

Jesus since that programme the other night the benefits threads are springing up ten a penny

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