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To not put up with this behaviour anymore?

(45 Posts)
MrsChopper Sat 08-Apr-17 09:30:33

Hi everyone

I am just looking for a bit of perspective on my mother's behaviour.

When she doesn't get her own way she has these tantrums to make you feel bad for her and give in. Over the years she has fallen out with most people. That includes friends and most of our family. She always plays the victim, nothing is ever her fault. She doesn't have a partner either so at times I think she gets bored. I am an only child and feel that she thinks it's my responsibility to keep her entertained. We see her and MIL usually once per week, sometimes more.

Her tantrums include whining and crying and then getting angry. She often is aggressive in general. She recently kicked her dog in one of her tempers in front of my neighbour's poor DC. She once threw a bottle of pop at DP's head. Then tried to pretend it didn't happen. Never apologised. He was setting up her printer so it happened out of the blue.

If I tell her I went for a walk I get told off for not asking her. This is for every little thing we do. She also does this to other people, like nobody is allowed to do anything without her. She treats me and DP like children, often referring to us as 'the kids'. This drives me mad!

Her latest tantrum was regarding our DC and her being sick of our 'rules'. This was because we asked her to wash her hands before picking our baby up. She sneezes and coughs into her hands and I find that really grim. She also pokes her fingers around her mouth. She does not understand basic hygiene. Her response was 'I am his friggin grandmother'. I tried to explain that that does not magic germs away! She has not apologised for her behaviour (never does). DP wants nothing to do with her anymore. I can see why most people stop talking to her.

Sorry this is long. I could write a book about this I have got so many examples. AIBU to not give in to her tantrums anymore? I usually apologise (even if I feel I have done nothing wrong) and try to keep the peace but I am really fed up now.

TheWitTank Sat 08-Apr-17 09:36:47

I got to kicking the dog and was horrified-not only would I not put up with it, she wouldn't see me or my children ever again. Ever. She is abusive and aggressive.

MrsChopper Sat 08-Apr-17 09:41:25

I was mortified when that happened! The kids looked like this shock and I had to say sorry.

Megatherium Sat 08-Apr-17 09:44:03

Of course you must stop giving in to her tantrums - by doing so you're just encouraging her to behave like this all the time. To be honest, in your position I would move as far away as possible and have minimal contact.

MrsChopper Sat 08-Apr-17 10:49:39

You know when someone messes with your head for so long you don't know what's normal anymore...
I would move as far away as possible

I live 2 mins from her house confused DP even said the other day he wished we had never moved there. That's certainly something to consider now though!

honeylulu Sat 08-Apr-17 11:03:10

Oh god she sounds awful. I only got as far as the but about kicking her dog before I decided she was a cunt.
Don't enable her. Why would you?

motherofdaemons Sat 08-Apr-17 11:04:18

It's very hard when it's family. I sympathize. She sounds exactly like my mother in law, who definitely has narcissistic tendencies. She will throw tantrums if she doesn't get her own way, has thrown food at my husband in front of a dinner party after he said something minor that annoyed her, has screamed at him that he was a horrid little boy (he was in his 20's lol). She's also had a very difficult childhood, privileged financially but very lacking in love. We don't see her that often as we don't live close, we tend to keep contact minimal and accept that if we stay with them there might be drama. I guess we walk on eggshells around her (at least I do) but she's his mum, she helps us out financially and she does have good qualities too. I've got hard lines that I won't cross, for instance I would never allow her to shout at my children and we wouldn't let her have them for the weekend. It might be time to set some boundaries for yourself.

Trb17 Sat 08-Apr-17 11:30:21

My MIL is a bit like this - attention seeking, always the martyr. YANBU and you really should stop enabling her behavior. By allowing it you are condoning it.

I'm sorry but just because someone is family does not give them the right to be like this and have others put up with it. Show your DC the right example and that you do not allow people to behave as she does and stay in your life.

She has conditioned you to put up with this - stop it now and take back the control she is exerting over you.

redshoeblueshoe Sat 08-Apr-17 11:41:10

Move. You owe her nothing. I'm not even a pet person, but the dog incident is disgusting.
As you obviously can't move immediately I would definitely cut the number of times that you see her.

Nanny0gg Sat 08-Apr-17 12:01:08

How old is she? Does she work?

BeaderBird Sat 08-Apr-17 12:20:37

I sympathise and can relate to an awful lot of what you have said. My mother has never been my parent and I am often having to parent her. It's a miserable position to be in and she is defensive and irrational much like yours. I'm finding it exhausting of late and can't bear to see her on my own so I go when I know that others will be there. She's a jealous, immature, defensive and unkind person but I love to see her with my little girl - she really is so natural with her. Like you, I have concerns about hygiene though - I've taken to just saying what I want out right 'don't put the baby on the dog blanket' and no further conversation about it. I also have concerns about her potentially putting the baby in danger. I am nervous about her 7 dogs and she purposefully pushes the contact with the baby because she wants to prove me wrong - not risks I'm willing to take.

Recently it was down to me to talk to her about a potential life changing mistake she was going to make and I said I was concerned and thought she would regret it. She sat stewing in silence and I said that it was just a conversation we were having and she could reply and then she just started crying and it was so silly. So frustrating.

My mother's issues all stem from her very low self esteem - she gave me some lunch one day and hadn't noticed a bit of mould so I politely said that I'd open the next packet and make it again - no bother. She got very upset as if I had accused her of trying to poison me and became very defensive but this all boils down to the fact that she has little confidence and doesn't know how to communicate. It's exhausting.

Constantly negative, never a nice word for anyone, a feeder and jealous of her own children. I feel sorry for her.

Limit contact OP. It's no fun.

DearMrDilkington Sat 08-Apr-17 12:25:48

Please contact someone about how she treats her dog. Disgusting behaviour.

PaulDacresFeministConscience Sat 08-Apr-17 12:38:54

Poor dog. I'd be cutting contact and getting the RSPCA on to her.

AlternativeTentacle Sat 08-Apr-17 12:53:27

Steal the dog and then move. What an awful cunt. And I don't even like dogs.

HeteronormativeHaybales Sat 08-Apr-17 12:54:19

What do we do with toddlers who have tantrums and kick animals? Right - we discipline them, by removal of attention and/or setting limits as appropriate. Your mother, for whatever reason, is emotionally a toddler. You need to set boundaries by refusing to spend time with her when she behaves like this. Otherwise she will carry on and on.

LagunaBubbles Sat 08-Apr-17 13:00:12

You are enabling her to treat you like dirt OP and that is not a good message to expiad your children to. Why would you apologise for her??

RubbishMantra Sat 08-Apr-17 13:04:05

Oh dear. I thought you were my sister until I read you were an only child. grin

My mother packed me off to boarding school as soon as I was old enough, so never really parented me. Try to limit contact as much as you can. She sounds like an utter wanker. If it helps, just think of her as a toilet seat, flapping her ridiculous nonsense into the beyond.

Just because somebody gave birth to you doesn't give them a right to treat you horribly.

Send her this image.

Cherrysoup Sat 08-Apr-17 13:21:52

Stop enabling her. Every time she starts a tantrum, walk away. Every single time. Every time she sneezes into her hand or roots round in her mouth (I'd puke!) give her sanitizer gel. Don't let her touch your baby if she does this.

I would move, sounds like DP has had more than enough. Physical distance is good.

MrsChopper Sat 08-Apr-17 13:27:41

She is in her 50s and she does work. I will update properly later as I am out and phone is on 4%. Thanks for your replies! Much appreciated!

MrsChopper Sat 08-Apr-17 16:11:23

BeaderBird your mother sounds very much like mine. She is very jealous and is quick to judge people. DP's family for example are all apparently weird and/or stupid. They are actually lovely and are equally dc's family. I'd hate to think of her slagging them off when he is old enough to understand.

If we try and have a laugh she'll often say to DP that she will smack him. I've explained numerous times that that is unacceptable but she'll just say it was a joke and that DP knows that. DP does not find it funny!

She can be nice as pie but that's only for show or to keep us sweet. I haven't really spoken to her since her latest outburst. From now on I will keep contact as minimal as possible and not put up with her bad behaviour anymore! You are all right, I don't want DC growing up thinking his mam is a doormat!

redshoeblueshoe Sat 08-Apr-17 18:51:04

Good luck MrsC. It won't be easy, but its not fair on you, your DP and DC

MrsChopper Fri 14-Apr-17 18:40:50

Just a little update:

After avoiding contact with my mother as much as possible (incl running out of the shop when I spotted her not my finest moment ) she seems to have finally twigged that I am not happy after her latest tantrum. Took her a while! She has now started the guilt trip manoeuvre. Basically said she is sorry for going off it but oh soooo sad about how she is being treated with regards to DC. So really she is still trying to get her own way!

I am still grateful for your replies, they have given me the strength to stand my ground. And I've told her I am sick of her tantrums and that we won't back down about the 'rules'. Have now turned phone off and am enjoying snuggles with DC instead of being roped into another argument. Feel quite sad that she can't seem to respect us and our decisions as parents.

AngelThursday Fri 14-Apr-17 21:53:41

She sounds like a classic narcissist. My mother was a bit like this too. And like you, I was an only child. You can never please her or change her behaviour.
I found understanding her behaviour helped a bit. This website might help www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/

MrsChopper Fri 14-Apr-17 22:24:21

Thank you, Angel

I thought keeping a distance she might have a think about it. Turns out she is not sorry at all. She is still maintaining the same argument but instead of the angry outburst she is now trying to make me feel bad/guilty. So I will continue to keep my distance. Must be a shock to her system, it's the 1st time I've not given in. I will check the website!

MrsChopper Fri 14-Apr-17 23:12:32

Wow. She really is a fucking narc! shock That website is very eye opening.

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