To stop these boys coming round

[RachelRagged]

Morning

I have two DSs at home with me as the other DC are grown up and moved. One son is a school refuser which brings it own issues but when he does go to school he hangs round with a boy whose brother is in my other DSs class at a different school .

ANYWAY to get to the point of the matter . They are ALWAYS here but what I wish to talk of is Wednesday ,

They had been here a lot of the day due to holidays and around 3.00 I told them all to go to the park or library for some air , which they did. Not without asking "Can B stay tonight" . Said no not tonight and they all went out . During the rest of the afternoon/early evening they were back and forth , but without B.
Cue 8.30 Wednesday night there is a knock and its their mate B. Can he stay tonight as he don't have his zip card and don't want to walk home and nan isn't in apparently and uncle not answering phone . I let him in and said to him to ring his mother , which he did . Words were said about his uncles contacting him to collect him but nobody text or rang B . He rang her up at 10.00 again (his DM) who did not answer the phone at all .
I gave him a spare oyster and some money to top it up and sent him on his way .
Thing is I have mental health issues and anxiety is one of them . I don't want him or his brother here on sleepovers . Got it from my sons last night too "But WHY?" I don't need a why in my home .
Would you ring the mum and tell her to tell her sons (Ill deal with mine) to stop getting at mine , who then get at me for sleepovers ?!!

TIA

[RachelRagged]

I should add I do not dislike the boy, or his brother, but they are never at their home . DS says she thinks perhaps its not a happy home but is that my problem ? There are 6 of them and all I know is that B once told me its quieter here ... well so is a library

[Moanyoldcow]

I don't really understand your post - are you boys a bad influence? Do your boys get into trouble with them?

If not, it sounds like the might be quite vulnerable and need support. How old is he that you sent him out alone at 10pm? Would you have let your own son go out that late alone?

I'm sorry, I'm not saying YABU but I'm not convinced there is anything wrong here, especially as it's the Easter Holidays.

[amistillsexy]

How old are the boys? If they are 8 or 9, then they need to be better looked after by their mum, and sleepovers etc should be arranged between adults.

If they are 13 or 14, then if it were me, I'd rather my sons and their friends were under my roof where I could build a relationship with them and get to know them, than out and possibly getting into trouble.

Fwiw, I have 3 boys, and when they want their friend so sleep over, I tell them that they need to sort sleeping bags, pillows, breakfast in the morning, etc, and I let them get on with it. However, I quite enjoy the buzz of a house full of kids. As I say, if our house is the hang out place, at least I know where they are and who they're with!

[AppleOfMyEye10]

Yanbu, it's your home and if you have rules and times to have friends over it should be obeyed. How old was the boy?

I think you definitely need to call B's mum and tell her what happened was completely unacceptable. She just didn't bother to pick up and left her DS to sort himself out? What kind of a mother does that.

You say they are always over so it's not like you ban the friends, just that there are limits.

[RachelRagged]

I went to the bus stop with him and see him on the bus . I had told him to text his DM prior to this, which he did .. Whether she saw it or not I do not know though.
I don't want to drip feed but your saying they might be vulnerable has crossed my mind to be honest . The night we had snow just come down I said they best try to leave soonish as buses may stop . Buses did stop so he rang his Mum on my landline and I could hear . She put the phone down on her DS as he was explaining no buses. (That night he walked about 10 minutes and stopped with his Nan)..

No no bad influence that I am aware of . Its probably my issues to be honest as I don't seem to handle noise very well, especially above my head, and when four boys are in and out of two bedrooms it just gets to me . I do not know why . I have no ADHD or autism etc. to my knowledge

[Moanyoldcow]

Cross post.

They sound vulnerable and like they need support.

In your situation I'd let them stay and it wouldn't bother me.

Depending on other information I'd consider calling SS - a mother not answering her phone late at night to her young son is a genuine concern.

[RachelRagged]

AppleofmyEye exactly . I have spoken to her on the phone (not Wednesday night but on Monday when I did allow a sleepover) (early 30s and has 6 children (hence B saying its quieter here).

Oh , B is the eldest of the lot of them and is 15 (a tall 15 which was the issue re getting bus with no zip card) , his brother who is my other DSs friend is 13 .

[RachelRagged]

Moaneyoldcow . I am feeling torn as Yes, I think they may need some sort of assistance or help in some way . I said that I may have to contact somebody on Wednesday (before I remembered my spare oyster card for him) and he looked horrified and said "Not the SS , please not them" .. Sigh

[TheCakes]

Their mum doesn't sound very interested. Have you met/spoken to her? The way you tell it, this kid is wandering the streets with nowhere to go. I wouldn't be happy with that for DS or his friends (they're 14).
Who is looking out for this kid?

[RachelRagged]

Yes I was shocked when she was not picking up as well . She knew the predicament he was in so would have known or should have known, it was her son ringing her.

[TheCakes]

Cross posted.
I know you are struggling too, but can you have a nice chat with him about what it's like at home, and what his emergency plan is. He should have one.

[RachelRagged]

TheCakes

I have spoken to her once on the phone Monday when I did say that Yes they can sleepover but that was the first and only time I spoke to her. They live about 20 mins away by bus but they are out all day and late into the night .
Example . Yesterday morning B knocked around noon which was fine . Told him my DS was at the library already and other one was staying indoors so off he went . Then during the course of the day much back and forth and I did let him in with my DS for a while to go on the computer now we have broadband (that is another thing , he says no internet at home and I truly do not mind them using mine during the day). By the time the library shut and both sons came home, with B and his brother, it was nigh on 9.00 last night . I have no idea if he had any phone contact with his mother all day to be honest. I DO feed them as well , its not right to feed ones own DCs and not the two brothers in my opinion

[Megatherium]

There was a long period of time when DS was a teenager when I was regularly stepping over the sleeping bodies of various friends of his when going into the sitting room in the morning. It was mostly because of problems at home - one found it unbearable because his parents were at war with each other, one was regularly chucked out by his mother, one had a very difficult relationship with his parents, etc etc. None of it particularly impinged on me, they were all perfectly polite and didn't expect to be fed. I was just extremely grateful that my DS was never in their position.

[RachelRagged]

Yes I could try to ask him TheaCakes .

As I said they are no trouble to me and I really do not mind during the day (they just stay in DSs rooms on the whole) but I do draw the line at sleepovers all the time (I know its only been once but I don't want to set a precedent there).

[RachelRagged]

Indeed Mega .. IF there is a reason why they seem so keen on my house, and feel secure here, then I may look at issues differently as would feel awful if a year or so down the line somethings happened to one of them .
They are dressed fine and certainly look fed but one evening they were talking on Skype (my youngest DS and B's brother) and the brother had been found, by their mums partner, wandering around an industrial estate not far from them at 10.50 at night ! My DSs were indoors and the boy had left here hours before. That's strange isn't it

[tasmaniandevilchaser]

I feel really sorry for those boys. It sounds like they're vulnerable. I do get what you're saying about finding it stressful having the noise/disruption for you as I would feel the same. However if they're polite and not a bad influence on your boys then I'm not sure I could send them home to god knows what. Is it worth contacting the school to mention your concerns. Then you don't have to 'carry' that.

[RachelRagged]

Hello tasmaniandevilchaser

School have some kind of intervention in place for the youngest brother (13) and he had been on reduced timetable and leaving after 3 lessons etc . Trouble there was my own DS started to hop lessons to be with him and more than once they were found (with another) and sent to inclusion suite .
I lent him a thick coat in winter , his one is ever so thin and they were walking up to the library in bitter cold .

I do feel concern for them and I do know my Depression and my general anxiety and hatred of loud noise is not their issue but I can do without an extra 2 people overnight , at the moment . Should I get wind something is clearly not right then I may change my mnd on that one as would want them safe , of course.

[llangennith]

You don't have to have any kind of mental health issues or any other issues to not want lots of boys coming and going in your house!
It may be your DS's home but it's yours too. Talk to both your DSs about having friends over and agree some rules. If you're not happy with sleepovers at the moment then tell them that and if they start the "Why?" nonsense tell them you don't have to give a reason and that's just the way it's going to be for a while.
Personally I was ok with sleepovers downstairs, with sleeping bags, and lights out and quiet by 11pm. The boys knew I needed my sleep even if they didn't.
Your DS's friend may prefer your home to his but he is not your responsibility so don't let anyone guilt trip you into having to take care of him.

[RachelRagged]

I did just that last night

I don't have to tell you WHY Son , just accept it!

[Trifleorbust]

I understand your predicament, OP, but am I right in thinking you sent this boy home at 10pm in the snow, not knowing whether anyone was at home? How old are they?

I would definitely be having words with the mum and, depending on their ages, I would contact SS next time their parents were uncontactable at 10pm

Not sure I would have sent him on his way though.

[sohelpmegoad]

I came home from holiday recently to find my sons best friend who had been having lots of sleepovers had moved in as his home life was so chaotic
My mum had done the same for my best friend when I was 16 for similar reasons.
To me I would always prefer to help, when thing are bad at home, especially as I know the people involved and they are needing help not taking the piss.

[BertrandRussell]

I don't quite understand why you don't want them round-have I missed a bit?

[Enigmatic101]

Asking why is completely reasonable and if you've got children surely you need to be communicating with them coherently. At the moment all it seems to look like is you're saying no with no apparently (to them) rational explanation so of course they're going to keep asking because they're probably confused. Maybe if you explain your reasons they'll accept it and stop asking, so therefore relieve some of the pressure on you because they now understand where you're coming from. As of now it probably just looks like you're saying no for nothing. Yes it's your house your rules and you shouldn't have to explain yourself but children don't always see it like that with out being given reasons.

Fwiw there was a boy in a block I used to live in who was constantly locked out of his house because the mother was away or at work and wouldn't give him a key. He kept coming to mine and others because he had nowhere else to go and it got very tiring especially as I felt used as an unpaid, unasked babysitter and the mother didn't speak English so I couldn't speak to her. So I do understand why you've had enough but am just saying it might become easier if you start talking

Hopefully you'll get it resolved before long

[RachelRagged]

The snow business was it suddenly come down and they went to the library (instead of heading home due to buses may well stop as I had suggested) and it was then I loaned the younger boy a thicker coat to wear . They were back here after (I expected them to have left a long while before) hence by then buses not running . They went to their nans who lives about 10 minutes from here in the end (when she replied to the texts sent). I wouldn't throw anyone out in the snow.

Wednesday night I took him to the bus stop and saw him on the bus and his house is a few minutes , literally the other end . If she had answered the phone to her son I'd have suggested she come here or somebody come here and get her son home , but she didn't answer .

[Trifleorbust]

I understand. I wouldn't send a 13 year old home on his own at that time unless I knew there was someone at home to receive them, but I wouldn't let this situation keep on either. Once it was obvious that they were frequently being left to sort themselves out, I would report it. It's not fair on them or you.