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AIBU to feel this way?

(31 Posts)
SnowWhite123 Sat 08-Apr-17 06:22:22

My husband of 4 years recently had an affair. We have one DC together. We worked through it and I learnt to forgive and on the whole things were going really great. Just lately, I find that he puts me down sometimes (he does sometimes have form for this.) Things such as calling me a tomboy, disagreeing with me having my nails done (I've never had them done before, I booked them as a treat for myself), saying my hair doesn't look great and calling me miserable. Naturally my self esteem is at an all time low due to the affair. I'm just wondering whether I'm being too sensitive? I think we were doing well after the affair because he seemed to be actually being nice to me. But now he's acting like this, I find it all coming flooding back. Comparing myself to the OW, wondering if I'm good enough. AIBU? Am I being too sensitive?

SnowWhite123 Sat 08-Apr-17 06:24:43

I should add that the affair was a one night stand, not a long term thing. Apparently there's no reason why he did it, other than alcohol.

wowfudge Sat 08-Apr-17 06:27:06

He's telling you who he is and that is someone with no respect and little love for you by the sound of things.

StrawberryJelly00 Sat 08-Apr-17 06:29:38

He doesn't feel good enough if it makes him feel better to put you down.

Tell him to get some help with HIS issues or leave for your own sanity & self esteem.

You are not being too sensitve at all, you deserve respect from those that claim to love you

SnowWhite123 Sat 08-Apr-17 06:55:22

Thank you for your replies.

My concern is, if I bring this up wth him I just know that he will tell me I'm over reacting and making a problem out of nothing. He'll probably tell me I'm being over sensitive too

SnowWhite123 Sat 08-Apr-17 06:58:13

And then we'll be back to me feeling like a piece of shit but unable to do anything about it. I know I need to talk to him about it, I can't go on like this. Usually I'm very headstrong but this affair has rocked me. Sorry that I'm talking utter rubbish, I'm just trying to figure it out

Bluntness100 Sat 08-Apr-17 06:59:44

The only thing I can glean from this is he's not a nice person. Nice people don't put others down and certainly not someone they profess to love.

user1491630259 Sat 08-Apr-17 07:02:45

Not surprised you're fed up
Your DH doesn't have your back
But don't make this your problem
He's the one who has the lack

Start standing up for yourself - starting today
If he doesn't like it, he can get on his way
Build yourself up - get some self-esteem
One day this time will seem like a bad dream

SnowWhite123 Sat 08-Apr-17 07:04:24

Wow thanks User, very well put! And in a poem too. You are right, I do need to stand up for myself. I'm keeping a log of things I feel are unacceptable (I know that's stupid!) so that I have something to back myself up with

user1491630259 Sat 08-Apr-17 07:11:58

I don't think you are stupid to keep a log
Sometimes you can feel you are in a bog
A record of this stuff helps to keep things clear
So you don't forget what you know you hear

Shurleyshummishtake Sat 08-Apr-17 07:16:39

Er what's with the poetry?

OP he isn't a nice man and your relationship isn't one of equal love and support
Good husbands don't put you down and tell you you look rubbish or dress wrongly

Surely you can see how awful that is if you step back? He might have tried for a bit through guilt but he isn't feeling this marriage andhe is hurting you and belittleing who you are

Sorry to say but it sounds like it has run its course and you should leave whilst you have some self esteem left
If you don't feel you can mention something he is doing that is hurting you because he will criticise you for even saying it then things are very very wrong. I'm sorry.

SnowWhite123 Sat 08-Apr-17 07:31:34

Oh absolutely Shurley, if I read this thread from someone else's perspective then it all seems clear what I have to do. When I read threads like this, it's easy to roll my eyes and think 'get out, you're worth more', but I guess it's different when you're in the situation. We're supposed to be buying a house together in a few weeks after years or renting. How do I tell him I don't feel like it's right? He'll go mad. I feel like when it's good, it's really good. But when it's like this, I hate it. It's funny because everyone has always said what a good man he is, how sensible and generous he is. I used to agree. If only they knew! But you are completely right, things aren't normal and something has to change

SnowWhite123 Sat 08-Apr-17 07:32:57

I struggle with feeling like I'm just making something out of nothing, hence keeping the log. I wonder if I'm just making it all up but I know deep down I'm not. Maybe it's because I can foresee his reaction that I feel this way

picklemepopcorn Sat 08-Apr-17 07:33:25

He'll go mad? He treats you like crap then will 'go mad' because you don't want to feel financially trapped in a relationship with him?

Please cut your losses now. You have put up with substandard behaviour, he doesn't respect you, it will only get worse.

picklemepopcorn Sat 08-Apr-17 07:35:06

You don't need to worry about what he thinks, what he will feel etc. That's his problem. He clearly doesn't worry much about what you feel.

user1491630259 Sat 08-Apr-17 07:51:01

Whatever you do, don't buy a house yet
If things are bad now, how much worse will they get
When your partner has you under lock and key
His abuse will get worse and then where will you be

Other people just see his good side
But you know how many nights you have cried
Keep posting here to get our perspective
You don't need to listen to your partner's invective

DownTownAbbey Sat 08-Apr-17 07:53:34

He sounds low level abusive at the moment. You're actually in a brilliant position to get out now before you have a mortgage and kids tying you further to him. My emotionally abusive exH was a lovely man, too. Even I thought so! Until our DS was born, that is. Looking back there were clues but at the time they seemed trivial. I understand that untying yourself from a marriage is never just as straightforward as LTB but make sure you realise- and genuinely FEEL- that he is wrong and unpleasant to say such nonsense to you and that it's about him keeping you down, not about you having bad hair or whatever!

My feeling is that either a) he's not happy and is starting the process of making it your fault that he leaves you / has another ONS, or b) he's grooming you for a lifetime of emotional abuse, breaking you down slowly.

Look after yourself!

pudcat Sat 08-Apr-17 07:57:01

Sounds to me like the affair isn't over - he is trying to make out that everything is your fault so that he can leave with a clear conscience .

TestingTestingWonTooFree Sat 08-Apr-17 07:59:11

He's a prick. If anything you're under-sensitive. This behaviour is not acceptable.

Gwencooper81 Sat 08-Apr-17 08:01:10

The fact that he minimises what he's doing to you worries me as much as the actual abuse.
It's a good idea to keep a log. Please look into leaving him. He sounds a twat are you are worth heaps more.

Hassled Sat 08-Apr-17 08:04:25

He should be doing everything in the world to reassure you and boost your self-esteem right now - he should be telling you how wonderful you are, not how miserable. He's deflecting the blame, isn't he - doesn't want to admit to himself how much he's fucked up so he's trying to create a scenario in which you're the bad guy. Talk to him about it - and stand your ground - you're not being over-sensitive here. He's in the wrong and I bet he knows it.

Chloe84 Sat 08-Apr-17 08:06:50

Do not buy a house with this man!

SmileEachDay Sat 08-Apr-17 08:08:04

My exDH told me I was "over sensitive" and "too emotional" for years.

It's a shit thing to do, because it makes your feelings the problem rather than his behaviour. It's a very common way of silencing women people.

If he can't be trusted to have a conversation without being a prick, maybe try mediation - Having someone guide the interaction might allow you to be heard properly.

SnowWhite123 Sat 08-Apr-17 08:13:21

You're all right, I know. Hassled, I ageee with you how he should be trying to reassure me. This is what worries me. That it's just been forgotten about by him. He feels as though I've forgiven him so he's found it easy to move forward. Me, not so much. In all fairness, I think I have every fucking right to be 'miserable'! I will try to talk to him.

ohidoliketobebesidethecoast Sat 08-Apr-17 08:14:36

You don't need to worry about what he thinks, what he will feel etc. That's his problem. He clearly doesn't worry much about what you feel.
This^

He should be constantly looking for ways to make you feel good after what happened, he let you down.
Even without the affair, he should respect how you feel, and not make rude comments, he doesn't respect you.
I can't imagine my OH dreaming of telling me I shouldn't get my nails done, its up to you what you do!

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