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AIBU to what my partner said to me??

(34 Posts)
midnightswirls Fri 07-Apr-17 23:13:08

I don't know if I'm over reacting because of my past. I was with an abusive ex who mentally and emotionally abused me. My current partner knows all about it. Anyway we were talking and something came on TV about strip clubs. He asked if I would ever mind if he went to one. I said no as long as you don't have a private dance. I then asked if he had one in the past and said yea. I asked weren't it awkward and he was like no! I then said if you got a dance while with me you wouldn't tell me anyway way. And his response was no I probably wouldn't! I mean AIBU to be annoyed at his response? I was a little bit shocked he even said that. Don't know if I'm being sensitive because of my past.

KingJoffreysRestingCuntface Fri 07-Apr-17 23:15:59

You said it, not him.

He just wanted to end an awkward conversation.

donquixotedelamancha Fri 07-Apr-17 23:57:24

"I mean AIBU to be annoyed at his response?"

Annoyed- no, how you feel is how you feel.

He gave you some honest answers to questions you asked. Don't see that past abuse has any relevance to this.

Personally I can't stand strip clubs and a private dance would be cheating to me. DP is a bit more laid back, but we are clear enough in the terms of our relationship and our shared values. Some people choose open relationships, so a private dance would be nothing to them.

Evidently you and DP diverge a bit. Explain to him why you dislike it so much. Only solution is to discuss feelings and reach a compromise. Well obviously you could be a walkover, then stew on it, but I wouldn't recommend it.

squirreltrap Sat 08-Apr-17 00:00:20

Why are you saying you would be fine with stripclub when you clearly are not?

kimann Sat 08-Apr-17 00:17:46

you asked him - he answered, and now you are annoyed at his answer? sorry - YABU. Don't ask him something if you think you might not be able to handle all possible answers.

HeddaGarbled Sat 08-Apr-17 00:18:38

This is all hypothetical isn't it? Is there any likelihood that he would ever now go to a strip club with or without a private dance? if this is unlikely, I think you are creating a needless argument out of nowhere.

However, if you think that it's possible that he will do this (stag do, maybe?) you need to make it clear to him that this is a deal-breaker for you.

Is the fact he's had a private dance in the past making you look at him in a different way? It is seedy, misogynistic and exploitative really, isn't it?

SuiteHarmony Sat 08-Apr-17 00:22:01

YANBU - you are entitled to feel uncomfortable if you got an answer that you weren't expecting. You are surprised and a bit hurt that he responded as he did, and YANBU to feel as you do. If you wouldn't be cool with it, that is perfectly acceptable. If he would be cool with it, it's perfectly acceptable for you to demur. It is good to discuss such boundaries of acceptability. Know your own lines, and own them.

shitgibbon Sat 08-Apr-17 00:47:06

I think you were wrong to say what you did. You had just told him you wouldn't be happy about him having a private dance then told him you thought he'd do it anyway and not tell you. That's basically saying "I don't trust you" and if i weee him that would have pissed me off.

kali110 Sat 08-Apr-17 02:52:26

*squirreltrap
Why are you saying you would be fine with stripclub when you clearly are not?*
The op isn't saying that.
She's saying she would be ok with him going to the club but not having a dance.
I'm the same though my dp isn't interested in them at all.
HeddaGarbled
The problem ( i think) is that she's asked her dp if he'd tell her if he'd
Ever had a private dance whilst they were together and her dp wouldn't be honest with her, so effectively lying to her.

donquixotedelamancha not just people in open relationships. I'm not in nor have even been in one and feel the same as the op.
I'd be ok with my dh gling to a club, just not having a dance.
I know a few of my friends are the same.

I can understand why you feel that way.
If he's only aware of your feelings on the subject now i'd probably draw a line under it.
If He didn't Know you would have a problem with it before this conversation then there's probably no right answer for him to give if he has.
If he's honest and has then he hurts you, if he says no then he lies to you.
He knows your feelings going forward, and presumably is happy with only going to a club?

avamiah Sat 08-Apr-17 03:23:36

Do they still do Private Dances or even offer them anymore?
I'm in London and these "Gentlemens Clubs"are very few and far between as many have lost their licences due to "private dances"not being just a private dance."

midnightswirls Sat 08-Apr-17 06:08:16

donquix I mentioned my past because I feel I can be a bit more sensitive to things now. As I was so disrespected before I have a bit of a guard up now. So I feel it's relevant as I could just be over reacting. This is why I'm asking for an outside view.

hedda yes all hypothetical but there could be a chance like stags and guys nights out he has sometimes. I think that's also it, it's making me view him in a different light a bit as like you said I feel it's seedy and he didn't seem to care about the fact he's had them.

suite thanks. I think I was upset and taken back by his openness. Admitting that he would lie to me was hurtful. He normally is very blunt and honest so to say he would lie to be, I was taken back a bit.

kali you've hit the nail on the head thank you. That is what I was trying to say. We have only had this conversation last night. I think I made it clear what I find acceptable.

avamiah I've heard many stories from male friends who say some do more than a private dance too. Don't know how true this is though.

Mummyoflittledragon Sat 08-Apr-17 06:38:55

Admitting that he would lie to me was hurtful.

I don't see how he's admitted he would lie to you. No reputable strip club will allow the clientele to touch the dancer even in private dances. Much as I would rather my dh didn't go to one of these clubs, I don't see it as a deal breaker or cheating or lying. Besides for you, this is all hypothetical.

kali110 Sat 08-Apr-17 20:41:08

Mummyoflittledragon
Because he has said he would lie.
Op you've been clear.
I don't care if my dh wanted to go to one however i would be upset if he had a dance.
I wouldn't view it as cheating but he would have broken my trust.
I'd be upset if he said that to me too.

midnightswirls Sat 08-Apr-17 22:08:34

Thanks kali you get my point and where I'm coming from. We woke up this morning and nothing was said on his behalf so I didn't say anything either. Still feeling upset/annoyed though

limon Sat 08-Apr-17 22:12:41

He is a sleeve scumbag. Not sure if yabu or not.

gammaraystar Sat 08-Apr-17 22:12:48

If my dh went to a strip club it would be over. I married him as he isn't a sexist arsehole who over sexulises women and see them as objects. I never would have gotten into a relationship with a man who ever wanted to go to strip clubs. Did you not get to know his attitudes towards women before you got into a relationship with him?

PeaFaceMcgee Sat 08-Apr-17 22:14:13

Yeah, I wouldn't be happy about my partner being fine with paying a stripper to wave her tits and fanny in his face, and then being prepared to lie to me about it.

Wando1986 Sat 08-Apr-17 22:14:57

You're bu. Don't ask questions that will give answers you might not like. Then again he could've just lied and said "no honey, I would never get one" when now you know the truth instead.

Why is a private dance a bad thing anyway? I offered to pay for one if my husband's mates took him to a strip club on his stag. They didn't, as their own wives/gf's hit the roof which I thought was just silly, to be honest.

gammaraystar Sat 08-Apr-17 22:17:12

Wow, internal misogyny at it is finest..
what a cool wife you are smile

PeaFaceMcgee Sat 08-Apr-17 22:20:26

Don't ask questions that will give answers you might not like

It was him who brought the subject up in the first place?

Bluntness100 Sat 08-Apr-17 22:22:56

I really couldn't give a shit if my husband went to a strip club with his mates or had a three min private dance from a woman not remotely interested in him, so I certainly couldn't get worked up about a hypothetical dance. My husband has been on stag dos, and yes he's had I think two private dances and yes he's told me and Ive either rolled my eyes or laughed depending on the back story,

My only caveat would be it has to be one of the good clubs, where i know the women are there through choice and are massively well paid for what they do. I'd have an issue if it was some seedy back street club where I was unsure of the conditions the women worked under.

So my circumstances are different. My husband wouldn't and hasn't lied because he has no reason to. I'm totally ok with it in a reputable club. I don't see it as cheating, I see it as a cheap ( or not so cheap) thrill for three mins.

haveacupoftea Sat 08-Apr-17 22:23:05

Instead of trying to trap him into saying the wrong thing with passive aggressive questions you should have said 'please don't get a private dance while you're with me because I couldn't continue a relationship with you if you do'. Lay it out there and let him know what you will and wont put up with from the start.

haveacupoftea Sat 08-Apr-17 22:24:55

Btw there's nothing wrong with not wanting your partner to go to a strip club. Personally I find it totally unacceptable.

kali110 Sat 08-Apr-17 23:05:46

Wow, only a few posts till the 'cool wives' comments hmm

kali110 Sat 08-Apr-17 23:07:30

gammaraystar maybe because the op doesn't have a problem with him going to the actual club, not all partners do.
Doesn't make her dp an arsehole hmm
If you don't like it that's your choice but hardly helps the op.

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