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AIBU to date an ex's friend?

(21 Posts)
Lucyben14 Fri 07-Apr-17 22:22:07

Have been split with ex for a year and three months. We were together for 4 years - in our 20s. No engagement, marriage or children.
It ended badly. He had a very bad addiction habit and however hard I tried to encourage him... he was never going to change.
The friend is a lovely guy. We always got on so well. We went for a drink a few weeks ago and he's asked me out again. I think it could go somewhere.
They are not close friends - more in the same friendship group. They probably see each other 4-5 times a year - but have known each other a long time. Went to school together and have same mutual friends.
Honest opinions much appreciated.

PastysPrincess Fri 07-Apr-17 22:23:56

Lifes too short go for it.

ProudBadMum Fri 07-Apr-17 22:24:26

Depends on how you'd feel if it was the other way round I suppose?

But they only see each other 4/5 times a year so aren't super mates.

My ex ran off with my best friend when our son was 2. I really don't believe in going with friends ex's or ex's friends

But shit happens I suppose. If you really like like him fuck it

Papafran Fri 07-Apr-17 22:24:39

I would date an ex's friend but not a friend's ex (unless a v casual/short relationship). So, if the new guy is happy with it, I would go for it if you really like him.

SillySongsWithLarry Sat 08-Apr-17 09:24:21

My first husband is my best friend ex. DH is ExH's close friend. Small circle. No one put out or jealous. Everyone is happy.

FruityLoopy88 Sat 08-Apr-17 09:47:31

My fella is my sister's ex so I say go for it! A single man is a single man. No one belongs to anyone. Everyone has free will. If the friend can't deal with it then it's her problem!!

cricketballs Sat 08-Apr-17 11:13:29

I married my ex's friend 22 years ago!

ohfourfoxache Sat 08-Apr-17 11:25:28

Go for it grin

mycatloveslego Sat 08-Apr-17 11:33:11

If you're single and he's single then go for it! Life is too short and sometimes you have to take a risk.

Lucyben14 Sat 08-Apr-17 11:34:30

The thing is - ex will go nuts. He always used to tell me that this group were 'his' friends and if we ever broke up- I better not see any of them - and he was just talking socially. These are people I became good friends with over the years.
I think if this does go anywhere and he finds out - which he obviously will eventually - then he will make a lot of noise about it. I know when he split up with a previous gf he phoned her mother and told her she was a prostitute and lots of other untrue things. I guess I'm worried about his reaction and want to know if this does happen... would I be the unreasonable one. From the responses I've had so far... I'm glad to feel that I wouldn't necessarily be.

FamilySpartan Sat 08-Apr-17 11:51:15

Your ex sounds a bit childish with his 'my friends' attitude.

Your relationship with him ended over a year ago. He is the friend of your new interest so any issues your ex has with this should realistically be directed to him, not you.

I personally would give it a shot. Your ex has no business concerning himself with your life anymore and should be reminded of this.

Lucyben14 Sat 08-Apr-17 11:54:20

He is very childish and that's what worries me! That his reaction will be unreasonable and he will throw all toys out of his promise and do what he can to sabotage... he has tried to make contact with me at least once every couple of weeks since we broke up and despite me telling him firmly at first to stop and then just ignoring him.. he still attempts.

lampshady Sat 08-Apr-17 11:57:52

If that's what he's like I wouldn't invite the potential 'drama' of dating one of his friends into my life. I'm all about the quiet and mundane. The pay off may not be worth it for the friend either if your ex is prepared to turn people against him and make everyone take sides.

SleepFreeZone Sat 08-Apr-17 12:00:43

I think that's up to his friend to deal with. How big a player is ex in his friendship circle? Does he tend to call the shots? If he has the power to ostracise your potential new man then I guess its up to PNM to decide if he wants to pursue a relationship with you. Personally I think you are doing nothing wrong so go for it.

Toobloodytired Sat 08-Apr-17 12:02:35

Go for it.

I had a fwb arrangement with my exes friend.

My ex told me he'd go mad if I ever went near one of his friends (told him to take it up with said friend).

It's one of your exes business.

Lucyben14 Sat 08-Apr-17 12:06:11

To be honest he has cut most off them off due to his habit- he has let them down lots and when at social occasions has always been more interested in getting a fix than actually enjoying the company. So now they see him here and there but he is not close knit anymore. There are a few who would take his side but I imagine the majority wouldn't. Most of them urged me to break up with him due to his behaviour and were very supportive afterwards.
I know from a mutal friend that PNM expressed his regret at the situation but said if something really develops, he wouldn't let the past get in the way. I get the sense he has been interested for a while but wanted to leave an appropriate amount of time which I respect him for.
I'm torn between it not being worth the drama but also not wanted to let ex control my decisions anymore...

FamilySpartan Sat 08-Apr-17 12:07:48

Then you should block your ex, OP. Your life is none of his business.

Do you respond when he attempts contact?

TheNaze73 Sat 08-Apr-17 12:09:16

I think this is down to your ex's friend. Wouldn't dream of it, if I was him but, if he's good, then go for it

Lucyben14 Sat 08-Apr-17 12:09:43

At first I responded firmly - now I just ignore. I've always been worried that if I block him he will start contacting my family instead and even friends or work colleagues - has done this in past. And I'm afraid that's what he will do if this goes anywhere and he finds out.

FamilySpartan Sat 08-Apr-17 12:28:22

Gosh, he sounds slightly unhinged. Rational people don't behave like that.

Personally, I wouldn't give a toss if he contacted my mother and all my friends and the local news service. My mother and my friends know better, the local news service doesn't care.

It makes the situation a little less straightforward but why validate his awful behaviour?

FamilySpartan Sat 08-Apr-17 12:29:46

Does his behaviour and contact fall into the harassment category? Has he ever threatened violence?

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