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AIBU to think that the institution of marriage is fundamentally deceptive and dishonest?

(130 Posts)
K00kie Fri 07-Apr-17 19:56:43

Precisely that. Because, at the time you are often under the influence of cortisol and other hormones that won't last - and therefore you're vulnerable - you are made to pledge your entire life to one person, to the exclusion of all others. Regardless of whom you might meet later in life, and regardless of how the person to whom you pledged your life might change with time and so bear little similarity to the person you married. It amounts to institutional misrepresentation.

One might say - it's easy to get a divorce these days, so why worry? But then why bother getting married in the first place if you can get easily divorced?

In fact, even that's not easy as the very sad recent case of Mrs Owens shows - a woman refused a divorce and ordered by ass of a law to remain in unhappy, loveless marriage because, apparently, unhappiness in marriage is to be expected and is no grounds for divorce. How many couples tying the knot are aware of this?!

How many of you can honestly say after 10, 15 or 20 years of marriage or so, that you'd have made the same choice of husband / wife as you did all these years ago? How many of you can say that you still love your husband / wife after all these years?

I see so many couples around me who are disillusioned with their marriages, that seeing wedding couples makes me sick inside.

Any views?

SpreadYourHappiness Fri 07-Apr-17 20:00:40


sonyaya Fri 07-Apr-17 20:00:43


JassyRadlett Fri 07-Apr-17 20:00:53

You seem to have quite a cookie-cutter idea of when in their relationships people get married, their preconceptions going in, and how they feel later.

I married in my mid-30s. I took my time finding the right person and then in making sure they were the right person: I expected marriage to have ups and downs. I expected to have to work at it. It's still more than worth it, and the same is true for most married people I know, all of whom had lengthy relationships before marriage.

It sounds like you may have had a horrible experience and have had friends who have had similar, but I think your reaction is OTT.

MsVestibule Fri 07-Apr-17 20:02:45

you are made to pledge your entire life to one person

Well, nobody made me get married, I did it of my own free will confused. I've been happily married for 8 years, with him for 12, and yes, still look forward to spending the rest of my life with him.

LovelyBath77 Fri 07-Apr-17 20:02:48

Cortisol is a stress hormone, not sure why that would make you want to marry someone. You'd most probably also get to know the person first?

LostSight Fri 07-Apr-17 20:03:27

If you believe marriage is some guarantee of happiness ever after, then you're deluding yourself. If you believe it's a legal contract that binds people together and gives hem certain rights, which might also, if you both work at it, provide a stable relationship and companionship for life, then you aren't. The latter isn't romantic, but it is more realistic.

Misspilly88 Fri 07-Apr-17 20:04:12

Ooook... I love being married. We are journeying and developing together. We constantly evolve and grow. I don't expect either of us will be the same in 20 years but we've pledged to ride the journey together.

WhooooAmI24601 Fri 07-Apr-17 20:05:12

10 years in and I'd make the same choices every day of the week and twice on a Sunday. I love DH more now than I did then. Love grows when it's nurtured. Of course some people's marriages go wrong; people change and grow apart and make mistakes. But to assume that the whole concept of marriage is flawed because some marriages fail is to demean what marriage is. It's two people saying "we love one another so much we're going to work our arses off to build a life, a home, a love together".

I cry when I watch people I love get married because I know what an incredible commitment they're making. They might not make it, they might not last. But not one person I know has ever undertaken their vows lightly or in jest or because of cortisol.

PinkSparklyPussyCat Fri 07-Apr-17 20:06:58



I'd been with DH nearly 15 years when we got married and I wasn't under the influence of anything! I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. Yes he's changed over the years but so have I.

SootSprite Fri 07-Apr-17 20:07:02


TeenAndTween Fri 07-Apr-17 20:07:27

PIL - married 60 years
DPs - married 55 years
Us - married 20 years

YABU. Don't rush into marriage. Grow up first.

Pettywoman Fri 07-Apr-17 20:08:21

I cannot agree with you from my 20 years of being with DH. Mind you we didn't marry for many years.

Nobody says it will be a walk in the park, even the vows say for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health. Admittedly they don't say 'for sleep deprived, for slightly humdrum or for passive aggressive sulking'.

GinSwigmore Fri 07-Apr-17 20:08:43

Endorphins, oxytocin...I have been with DP twenty years and he has not changed that much. We have only been married for half that time though.

LostSight Fri 07-Apr-17 20:09:40

After twenty years, I love my husband more now than when we married. We've grown together.

JustCallMeKate Fri 07-Apr-17 20:10:09

Married 30 years here (married at 18). I love DH more now than the day I married him. We've been through so much together and have weathered many storms, supported each other through developing careers, raised 4 children together and built a thriving business. Yes, I'd make exactly the same choice again in DH and I've still never stopped making him talk so I can hear his accent

Mrsfs Fri 07-Apr-17 20:11:35

I think marriage is worth it, my husband and i will have been married for 9 years this may. We married young at 22 and i have never regretted it for a moment. I love home more today than i did the day we got married.

Have we changed? Yes, we have, we have grown together and evolved as people. Don't get me wrong, there are days where we just rub each other up the wrong way and butt heads, but even on those days, i love him so much and could not imagine my life without him.

SquedgieBeckenheim Fri 07-Apr-17 20:13:47

I've been with DH 10 years, married for 5. We met young and have grown together, and are still as much in love as ever. Who knows how the future will pan out, but I'm quietly confident we'll be together a long time.
My parents and PIL have been married 30 odd years and still appear happy. My grandparents have been married 60 years and my grandfather cares for my grandmother with obvious devotion.
So all in all, YABU.
Nothing in life is guaranteed, but marriages can, and do, succeed. All relationships take work and compatibility. Those that get divorced would split whether married or not. There are couples who never marry but still stay together for life. After all, marriage is just a piece of paper, which entitles you to certain rights in law.

yallamamma Fri 07-Apr-17 20:14:24

YABU.... And that's coming from someone who got engaged, married, and had a baby within 1 yr of meeting DH! We made a commitment and I love everything that being married brings us, the love grows and changes. I certainly didn't go into it thinking I'd just divorce him if things got a bit rough.

Forwardsforwards Fri 07-Apr-17 20:17:12

Yanbu op, in the sense that when we marry, I guess we cant see into the future.

I gave my marriage everything I could and more. Wasn't enough. Seems one half of our marriage had his fingers crossed behind his back when making his vows.

Marriage is a leap of faith I think. We vow to work together to make our relationship grow, to cherish eachother. Those whose marriages are working aren't necessarily working at it any harder than I did, they chose a more empathetic and respectful partner, I'd imagine.

For that fuck-up alone, I'm destined to be reminded almost daily of my ill-judged choice of spouse. That I fell for his lies, that I tolerated his shitty behaviour.
I didnt know any better.

ExplodedCloud Fri 07-Apr-17 20:20:38

Oh good God is it you, the one that likes this mix and match approach to relationships that's all about the now and has sod all to do with supporting children and each other?

Arcadia Fri 07-Apr-17 20:26:42

I am a family lawyer and can't say I completely disagree with you OP. I have become very cynical about relationships, seeing how badly people can end up treating one another, and how much they can end up hating each other, but obviously I have a skewed perspective!

Olympiathequeen Fri 07-Apr-17 20:35:05

Arcadia was probably my divorce lawyer. I am pretty much in agreement that marriage is a great advert for wearing blinkers. I hate my exH and hope he rots in the hell he makes for women angry

My number 2 is so different but I'll never have the same outlook on love thanks to the bastard ex.

gillybeanz Fri 07-Apr-17 20:35:36

celebrating 25 years of marriage this year, couldn't be happier tbh OP.
Of course we've had ups and downs, times we both could have thrown in the towel, but we didn't.

On the whole we've been happy as we don't go to bed on a disagreement. However long it takes we sort it out.
Yes, we've changed, but I think the important thing is to note the changes as you go along so you both don't end up going in completely different directions.

Some people just have bad marriages, bad spouses and no matter what they do it isn't going to work out.
Some people end up in a marriage with dv, they had no idea when they married their spouse.

Stopyourhavering Fri 07-Apr-17 20:37:02

Gosh.....I met my dh when I was 18 in first yr uni, married at 23 , 3 dcs ( and 3 msc)
this yr we're celebrating our 30 th wedding anniversary ( and off to The Seychelles!!) had some awful times but we've helped each other get through them and couldn't imagine my life without him in it
What's your problem with this?

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