Aibu to think that he's being a bit harsh?

[Yooneecorngirl]

I've been seeing someone for about 9 months. I know him from old, we went out together when we were teenagers (I'm now 42). To begin with he was an angel, dug me out of many a hole (hubby left and I've struggled to get back onto my feet since). He's kind (usually) and generous to a fault. He adores me (or so he says), but I don't feel as strongly.

Lately he's been different. Today I got a list as long as my arm of the bad personality traits that I appear to suffer from.

To paraphrase his tirade:

I take him for granted. He doesn't feel safe, valued or cared for. I make things up. I'm resentful. I'm spoilt. I mock him. We aren't equal, he makes an effort, I don't. I tell lies. I'm full of hate, it makes him miserable. I am quick to spit out the dummy. I don't value our relationship, it's a farce. I twist things to suit myself. I'm immature. I'm spiteful. I treat him with such disregard. I can't take constructive criticism without feeling the need to lash out. I play him for a fool. I am not committed to him or his son.

I feel humiliated and stupid. If I try to defend this, he says I'm not listening and more concerned about myself. He wants to call around to talk, but I know full well that it'll lead to me agreeing just to calm him (I'm such a doormat).

I don't know what to say or do. Hiding under the stairs has become a viable option.

[SchnooSchnoo]

It sounds like he's setting you up for emotional abuse. If you were really that bad he'd leave you, wouldn't he?

[ZilphasHatpin]

Wow!

9 months in and you're getting this? Dump and run.

[flossisboss]

What schnoo said. Run away

[Wishiwasmoiradingle2017]

Run run run. ....

[Yooneecorngirl]

you think it sounds that bad? I'm too used to this sort of shit. I've had crap like this thrown at me all my life, I find it hard now to see if it's wrong or just normality.

[krustykittens]

Run, very fast!

[Missrubyring]

dump and run, as fast as you can. Schnoo is right, it sounds like he's setting you up for emotional abuse and doing so by lowering your self-esteem.

[NonsensicalNonsense]

LTB.

also he doesn't feel "safe"? Wtf is that all about? Nutter. Leave him.

[sunshinemeg]

I may be seeing this from another side, I don't know you so don't know how you really are from Adam. But could you be doing some of those things he says? If he is more into you than you are him then perhaps you being a bit cooler has appeared as some of the issues he listed?

[flossisboss]

Yes OP it does sound that bad. His behaviour will destroy you if you stay with him. Sorry if that sounds melodramatic, but it's true.

[FishInAWetSuitAndFlippers]

That's really sneaky. If you try to defend yourself he will just use it as confirmation that you can't accept criticism, you lie and are quick to spit out the dummy.

He has left you with the options of admitting you are wrong and you'll change or getting rid of him.... I know which I would choose.

[AnneBiscuit]

I agree with the other posters. If you were that bad he'd dump you. He doing this to erode your confidence and make you more likely to put up with bad treatment from him. If i were you I'd tell him not to bother coming around as it's obvious he isn't happy with you. I'll bet you he'll then backtrack.

[FadedRed]

just normality Not normal. Tell him to fuck off.

[Msqueen33]

End it! Doesn't sound like you live together and if you were that bad he'd have ended it!

[Bluntness100]

Well I don't know if you are those things or if he is making it up. I do know though the relationship is over. If nine months in it's in this mess there is no hope. Sorry up, end it before the sword drops and don't beg or take it.

[flossisboss]

Nonsensical my EX-H used to say he didn't feel 'safe'. It's designed to make the real victim feel like they're unstable and can't be trusted not to do something terrible. It's similar to when abusers say 'you're mad' or 'you're a psycho'. You start to believe it.

[ChazsBrilliantAttitude]

Just text him that the relationship clearly isn't working so you agree to call it a day.
You are not his emotional punchbag that he can make the target for all his troubles. If he is like this after 9 months it's not going to get better.

[AllllGooone]

Another vote to LTB

[TheIncredibleBookEatingManchot]

YABU to think he's being a bit harsh. He's being an utter arsehole.

You don't know what to say to him... How about, "Good bye."

[thetemptationofchocolate]

I'd end this relationship also. Life's too short to be putting up with that kind of shit, and it doesn't sound like the makings of a happy relationship.

[DonaldStott]

Just say do one you fucknugget. I don't have to listen to this shit.

[Yooneecorngirl]

I'm honestly not who he says I am. I'm utterly floored by it.

He's a foot taller than me by the way, feeling safe sounds odd coming out of the mouth of a 6ft 3 man.

[Creampastry]

Leave now, walk away