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Aibu to think that he's being a bit harsh?

(126 Posts)
Yooneecorngirl Fri 07-Apr-17 18:20:14

I've been seeing someone for about 9 months. I know him from old, we went out together when we were teenagers (I'm now 42). To begin with he was an angel, dug me out of many a hole (hubby left and I've struggled to get back onto my feet since). He's kind (usually) and generous to a fault. He adores me (or so he says), but I don't feel as strongly.

Lately he's been different. Today I got a list as long as my arm of the bad personality traits that I appear to suffer from.

To paraphrase his tirade:

I take him for granted. He doesn't feel safe, valued or cared for. I make things up. I'm resentful. I'm spoilt. I mock him. We aren't equal, he makes an effort, I don't. I tell lies. I'm full of hate, it makes him miserable. I am quick to spit out the dummy. I don't value our relationship, it's a farce. I twist things to suit myself. I'm immature. I'm spiteful. I treat him with such disregard. I can't take constructive criticism without feeling the need to lash out. I play him for a fool. I am not committed to him or his son.

I feel humiliated and stupid. If I try to defend this, he says I'm not listening and more concerned about myself. He wants to call around to talk, but I know full well that it'll lead to me agreeing just to calm him (I'm such a doormat).

I don't know what to say or do. Hiding under the stairs has become a viable option.

SchnooSchnoo Fri 07-Apr-17 18:23:42

It sounds like he's setting you up for emotional abuse. If you were really that bad he'd leave you, wouldn't he?

ZilphasHatpin Fri 07-Apr-17 18:25:11

Wow! shock

9 months in and you're getting this? Dump and run.

flossisboss Fri 07-Apr-17 18:26:10

What schnoo said. Run away flowers

Wishiwasmoiradingle2017 Fri 07-Apr-17 18:27:03

Run run run. ....

Yooneecorngirl Fri 07-Apr-17 18:27:44

you think it sounds that bad? I'm too used to this sort of shit. I've had crap like this thrown at me all my life, I find it hard now to see if it's wrong or just normality.

krustykittens Fri 07-Apr-17 18:28:12

Run, very fast!

Missrubyring Fri 07-Apr-17 18:28:12

shock dump and run, as fast as you can. Schnoo is right, it sounds like he's setting you up for emotional abuse and doing so by lowering your self-esteem.

NonsensicalNonsense Fri 07-Apr-17 18:30:14

LTB.

also he doesn't feel "safe"? Wtf is that all about? Nutter. Leave him.

sunshinemeg Fri 07-Apr-17 18:30:45

I may be seeing this from another side, I don't know you so don't know how you really are from Adam. But could you be doing some of those things he says? If he is more into you than you are him then perhaps you being a bit cooler has appeared as some of the issues he listed?

flossisboss Fri 07-Apr-17 18:31:15

Yes OP it does sound that bad. His behaviour will destroy you if you stay with him. Sorry if that sounds melodramatic, but it's true.

FishInAWetSuitAndFlippers Fri 07-Apr-17 18:31:40

That's really sneaky. If you try to defend yourself he will just use it as confirmation that you can't accept criticism, you lie and are quick to spit out the dummy.

He has left you with the options of admitting you are wrong and you'll change or getting rid of him.... I know which I would choose.

AnneBiscuit Fri 07-Apr-17 18:32:00

I agree with the other posters. If you were that bad he'd dump you. He doing this to erode your confidence and make you more likely to put up with bad treatment from him. If i were you I'd tell him not to bother coming around as it's obvious he isn't happy with you. I'll bet you he'll then backtrack.

FadedRed Fri 07-Apr-17 18:32:25

just normality Not normal. Tell him to fuck off.

HecateAntaia Fri 07-Apr-17 18:33:07

you dont know what to say?

good bye dickhead, dont let the door hit your arse on the way out

is about right.

why would you ever in a million years actually want to be with someone who gives you a long list of all the reason they think you're shit?

Msqueen33 Fri 07-Apr-17 18:34:38

End it! Doesn't sound like you live together and if you were that bad he'd have ended it!

Bluntness100 Fri 07-Apr-17 18:34:41

Well I don't know if you are those things or if he is making it up. I do know though the relationship is over. If nine months in it's in this mess there is no hope. Sorry up, end it before the sword drops and don't beg or take it.

flossisboss Fri 07-Apr-17 18:35:42

Nonsensical my EX-H used to say he didn't feel 'safe'. It's designed to make the real victim feel like they're unstable and can't be trusted not to do something terrible. It's similar to when abusers say 'you're mad' or 'you're a psycho'. You start to believe it.

Just text him that the relationship clearly isn't working so you agree to call it a day.
You are not his emotional punchbag that he can make the target for all his troubles. If he is like this after 9 months it's not going to get better.

AllllGooone Fri 07-Apr-17 18:36:47

Another vote to LTB

Euphemia Fri 07-Apr-17 18:38:53

Good grief nine months in?! Get rid - whether you're as bad as he says or not, it's not a good relationship is it?

TheIncredibleBookEatingManchot Fri 07-Apr-17 18:39:25

YABU to think he's being a bit harsh. He's being an utter arsehole.

You don't know what to say to him... How about, "Good bye."

thetemptationofchocolate Fri 07-Apr-17 18:39:57

I'd end this relationship also. Life's too short to be putting up with that kind of shit, and it doesn't sound like the makings of a happy relationship.

DonaldStott Fri 07-Apr-17 18:42:35

Just say do one you fucknugget. I don't have to listen to this shit.

Yooneecorngirl Fri 07-Apr-17 18:43:08

I'm honestly not who he says I am. I'm utterly floored by it.

He's a foot taller than me by the way, feeling safe sounds odd coming out of the mouth of a 6ft 3 man.

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