AIBU to be angry at life - and how do you come to terms with it?(18 Posts)
Long term lurker, but first time poster, so please be kind! Bit of a back story, apologies.
DS 23 is a lovely lad, with a long history of anxiety & mh issues, which we have tried to deal with as a family. As he doesn't drive yet, when he got his dream job about a year ago, with much dread on my part, we bought him a little motorbike. All was fine until last winter, when he hit black ice & crashed, tearing ligaments & his miniscus. 10 weeks of inactivity in pain & too much time to ruminate lead him to take an overdose of the painkillers prescribed by hospital & doctor. Luckily I found him & after a week on a ventilator & then hospital & then a psychiatric ward & lots of input from CMHT, he was making a good recovery & occ health allowed him back to work - all good. He's been back at work for 2 months & doing really well. Sunday night, coming home on his bike (driving test booked, but not taken yet), someone turned out of a side road onto the main road, didn't see him & hit him full on. He broke every bone in his leg (femur snapped right through) & had 7 hours of surgery to pin it all back together.
I am SO angry for my poor boy & I am struggling to understand why some people seem to live a happy, charmed life, where nothing seems to go wrong & some people seem to have to endure so much. A lovely woman in our town's husband left her, her son was killed at 19 & then a fire burnt her house down. She'd never done anyone a moments harm in her life. I am trying to be positive & I'm so thankful that she didn't kill him, but I am struggling. How do others deal with life's cruel & arbitrary acts? I genuinely need to know!
I'm so sorry. That all sounds awful. Your son seems to have had a really bad run of things which I'm sure has been really hard on the whole family. I really hope some good times are around the corner!
As for the lady you know; that's just beyond horrendous. It's just all so unfair. I HATE hearing stuff like that.
I think a lot of people have their own problems which aren't always obvious. That said, it is gutting to see bad things happen to good people, while totally arseholes seem to get lots of luck!
I really feel for your poor boy.. And you. And know what you mean about some people having all the bad luck..
DH's best friend's dad died when he was young, his brother committed suicide at 19 and then he himself was diagnosed with leukaemia last year.. life is so cruel to some people.
Your son sounds very lucky though to have a supportive mum like you
That is really awful, especially after your boy has done so well, but if you're able, try not to ascribe any meaning or purpose (or even malign purposeless) to it. Isn't it simply a matter of the horrible odds of motorbike accidents? Every motorcyclist I've known has had an accident, many several, several serious, one sadly fatal. And these were experienced riders. I dread my DSs wanting a bike so I can imagine how hard it was for you, and that there was no choice but to support him going to work by whatever means possible. I hope he has a swift recovery and passes his test and that this is the very last misfortune he (and you) has to face as it's more than enough to bear. I think when these things happen we notice the other horrible stuff more and it can colour our world view, but you're right to try to see the positives too if you can and not let the shit overwhelm you. It is arbitrary, but we also have agency and both you and your son sound like forces for good in the world. I can't do flower emojis but if I could here's some...
Thank you so much for your kind and comforting words.... I'm just having a wobbly moment I think and needed to make some sense of it - but there isn't any.... you are all so kind - thank you.
It's hard - I was born with a disability and DS also has a genetic disability. I think everyone who has had to deal with these things gets a feeling of anger at the unfairness of life sometimes. The way I deal with it is to take advantage of everything that is offered to even up the imbalance - from disability benefits, housing priority, charity grants, guaranteed interviews for jobs and queue-skipping passes. Just little things that make life a bit less shit for us, to help make up for the extra shit we have to deal with. Make sure your DS is getting everything he's entitled to, don't be too proud or ashamed to claim for anything (including accident claims and PIP).
I try to remember that everybody jas their problems and low points and for them their rock bottom is just as bad as mine is for me. So if my neighbour thinks her son having a kid at 20 is the worse thing ever then my son having a kid at 15 doesn't make her problem seem less to her, doesn't help her deal with it. And her problem doesn't affect my problem.
Don't know of that makes sense to other people though.
for your DS
I think you have to remember that everyone gets shit in their life at some point. Some people's shit comes early, others late but generally everyone will get it eventually, even those that seem to have a charmed life. Your son's shite seems to have come a bit all at once. He's been through crap before and got through it, he can do it again. You all know the warning signs to look for and he knows that if things go wrong there is help available. Your son is fortunate to have family that love him and care for him, and he will recover. It sounds shitty but there is always a 'good' however small, to come out of a 'bad', even though it doesn't compensate for the bad, or change what happened. It could be empathy, gaining resilience and maturity, being an excellent driver when he passes his test etc (I'd wager he'd be super careful). You've got every right to be angry at the moment and it is a natural reaction. However, if you still feel that way a lot further down the line (like, months maybe?) then you probably need to speak to someone about the whole situation and work through it. I can't imagine how hard it must be to see your son go through all that twice, it must be absolutely heartbreaking I really hope that he has a speedy recovery.
Your poor boy. Hope he recovers well.
I have two children with disabilities. My youngest very much so. It's hard especially when people around you moan when they don't have a lot to moan about. Life can be very unfair.
I have bee through periods in life like this,
At one time my mil died v young followed by sil having a breakdown and committing suicideon top of that my husband had several injuries that kept him from working,our son was diagnosed with autism and we were financially ruined by the discovery of a mineshaft near our house.
Honestly i dreaded the phone ringing for fear of what was coming next.I learnt to live a day at the time and gave up asking questions there are no answers to ( such as why me? Where am i going wrong ?) .
We got through it and looking back now over my life i can see that all those people who seemed to lead a charmed life at the time have all had their own annus horribilis as it were at some time or another.
I think most go through horrid crap phases of life and the trick is to keep putting one foot in front of the other until you come out the other side.
I am so sorry for your pain and your sons suffering and hope the tide turns for you v soon xxx
It's ok to feel angry about it, so don't feel guilty for feeling like that even if you think that rationally you know some people are even worse off
Also some people who seem like they have a charmed life but have had things happen you may not even know about. Unless you know some one very well, or have known them for a long time, you don't know what awful things they've had go on in their life.
So sorry to hear of your laddo's awful time, if it's any help (clutches at straws) he has survived both of these horrific life trials, I'de like to think that's very much down to his brilliant resilience and his family.
I also thought at one time I must have been a serial killer in a past life, I have a secret mental,black book containing all the names of people who have seriously shit on me in the past. Like others on here I could write a novel, that could rival any Jackie Collins book.
Even though my personal life now is so much better, the bottom line is I remain a grieving mother, who some days can't get her head around how some people can look at themselves in the mirror, including my ex. I'm pretty sure I have symptoms of PTSD and have done for some time. Which in turn has affected my health long term.
But, if I hadn't have gone through any of it, I would not of had my son, or met and married my now dh, I'm not sure if Karma exists, because I've not seen any evidence of it. The only thing I can say is that, I try to live my life not hurting others. Sadly as we know, some of those others don't live by that same view.
Anyway I've rambled enough, a speedy recovery for your ds 💐
I have a friend who I always view as having a charmed life and it used to really bother me as I'd had various chappy things to go through. After the sudden death of someone very close to me I thought well at least I've come through the worst that could happen. Then over the years more rubbish things happened and I fell prey to the "why me?" Mentality. It took a long time to change that to "why not me?" And realise that as someone else said above that crap things happen to most people at some point. I now really try to be grateful for little things and be a bit more.mindful in my day to day life. I too have my issues which have added to the difficulty of coping with situations and my I can appreciate how much harder this makes coping with these injuries for your son.I hope he recovers well
Motorbikes are very dangerous. My husband had parents bought him one and he had accidents also. I wondered why, as his mum knocked her teeth out in an accident on one. Why give your kids such risky things. I hope he is OK.
I honestly don't think there's any meaning.
Just like with dice you can sometimes throw three double 1s in a row.
It's shit. Really shit. But it just is.
Thank you again for all the lovely posts; I suppose it is just a question of accepting that into every life some rain will fall - it just seems a bit like a monsoon at the mo and other people seem to have prolonged sunny periods! But as a friend's dear old Irish Ma says, God will never give you a cross that you cannot bear - it's just so painful when it's your beloved child. Thank you again. Your warmth and support has been a real comfort.
Bless you Pea, you sound lovely. Try to keep the faith that these are just extrodinarily sh*t times and hopefully there is some good stuff around the corner x x x
I often have a 'why me?' pity party
Life long chronic pain from a spinal injury
Connective tissue disorder
Lost my mum when I was 31
Diagnosed with epilepsy
4 IVF cycles, 6 cancelled cycles, 2 pregnancies, 2 miscarriages, 3 surgeries and now we're at the end of the road and have to come to terms with saying out loud 'we can't have children' because my uterus is too damaged
Have to sell our house to find £100,000 for surrogacy
And now being investigated for cancer
And I see friends who have no health issues and have their own mothers and are mothers and I think 'it's not fair' & 'why me?'
And then I just have to say 'why not me?' - because it's the only thing that I can think. It's not some karmic retribution. Bad things happen to good people. It isn't fair.
But as my darling late mother said to me: something is only a problem if you can do something about it. In which case, stop moaning and get on with trying to do something about it. If you can't do anything about it, then it's not a problem. It's a situation, it's a fact. And you can either accept it and try to deal with it as best you can and move forward. Or not accept it and lose your mind.
Right now I'm in mega sad mode, but just to say to you OP
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