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What do I do to help my friend - sensitive

(16 Posts)
mia101982 Thu 06-Apr-17 20:16:55

Hi all my friend rang me today to tell me that 19 years ago she was raped by a few people while in a field drinking with friends. She said I should remember as me and my other friend were there. The thing is I wasn't and have never gone to this said place and drank. I often went there just to visit these friends but never hung around there long as I never felt comfortable with them. They were kinda into drinking at weekends etc. We were 15 at the time. My friend said she woke up in the field, with her pants and underwear down & 3 guys laughing at her. She doesn't know what they did as she thinks she passed out. She recalls other guys nearby who were saying "that was wrong that shouldn't have happened". When I told her I wasnt there as didn't like mixing with those people, she said maybe me and my friend came home and she stayed on so. She had been to police and said that they will want our statement. But I don't have a statement, I have no idea what happened or when and neither does she going on what she is saying. I don't even know if there is enough evidence or proof even to bring this to court. I guess she wud need the people to confess which I highly doubt. We were very close friends but grew apart in the years and it's only the last year or so we r back in contact. I don't doubt what she is saying at all but I can't help worry about being dragged into something that I genuinely know nothing about. The guys she is accusing were 16 and one was in his early 20''s. They r all married now with kids etc. I am so confused and paniced about it all to be honest as I want to be there for my friend but I can't lie or say anything about these other people or that night as I just don't know anything. I told her I have no problem telling police we went to this neighbourhood often and we knew these guys and we often drank beer underage, but I said I can't say anything else cos I was most definitely not there. Am i worrying over nothing ? Wud she really expect me to make up a statement ? Overthinking it? My poor friend, I wish I could help her more and wish she gets the justice she deserves but I just don't know

Emmageddon Thu 06-Apr-17 20:24:24

If you weren't there, you can't make a statement. Tell her that, and tell the police that. Maybe other people were there who can corroborate what she says happened - it sounds horrific. If she was raped by a group of boys, then I'm pretty sure they will recall the event. Regardless of them being married with kids now, what they did was a terrible crime, and she deserves to see them brought to justice.

mia101982 Thu 06-Apr-17 20:35:13

Thank you i told her that so maybe I am over thinking it all. I think i am still in shock to be honest to think these people could violate her in such an inhumane way. I just hear and read all the time these cases getting no justice and hope it is not the same for her. Hopefully the innocent bystanders will tell the truth

Softkitty2 Thu 06-Apr-17 20:35:27

My only advice is DO NOT LIE and perjure yourself.

Laiste Thu 06-Apr-17 20:35:49

She had been to police and said that they will want our statement. But I don't have a statement, I have no idea what happened

Be honest with the police and say you remember nothing and think you weren't there. Be supportive of your friend. Not much else you can do.

Wishiwasmoiradingle2017 Thu 06-Apr-17 20:38:01

You can still be a good support without making a statement. . Being a liar won't make you a better friend. .

mia101982 Thu 06-Apr-17 20:43:28

No I most certainly won't lie or make up a story. No way. I just think she felt deflated when I told her I had no recollection of what she was telling me. Then i worry that she is thinking of worse case scenario and maybe she wasn't raped. She said she doesn't know what they did as she was passed out. Oh God. It's just awful.

goodpiemissedthechips Thu 06-Apr-17 20:46:45

Be honest with the police. Sometimes a statement is simply that you have no recollection of the event; that's your statement. It doesn't have to be eventful, it is you stating your experience of what happened.

BTW the people allegedly possibly involved now being adults and having children etc is neither here nor there.

goodpiemissedthechips Thu 06-Apr-17 20:48:37

Forgot to add: how awful for your friend. Perhaps she could start by getting professional assistance? I don't know the best people in the UK but someone else here surely will?

mia101982 Thu 06-Apr-17 20:54:24

Thank you. Yes she is seeing a rape counsellor.

picklemepopcorn Thu 06-Apr-17 21:00:30

You can describe other occasions, and what your feelings and experiences were. Don't say anything which is not true. What you say will help give context.

goodpiemissedthechips Thu 06-Apr-17 21:04:35

That's really good OP.

My next thought then is - I think this is all pretty stressful, confusing and scary for YOU as well.

mia101982 Thu 06-Apr-17 21:11:26

goodpiemissedthechip's - yes it is for a number of reasons..

goodpiemissedthechips Thu 06-Apr-17 21:15:42

Have you thought about who might be able to support you in this? If you are going to supptyour friend I think you'll need someone to offload on too.

Of course we are here for a hand hold, but I'm thinking a real life professional might be ideal. No idea if this is doable budget-wise (or location-wise) for you though.

mia101982 Thu 06-Apr-17 21:22:25

I have told my husband even though i swore i wouldnt tell anyone, but think that's OK. My head is spinning all day. I can't imagine how my friends head is.

picklemepopcorn Fri 07-Apr-17 06:46:19

What a disturbing situation. I hope you feel a bit better when you have done your bit, and can focus on looking after yourself so you can support your friend.

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