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To resent having to attend every single on of dh's family's parties?

(223 Posts)
Placeanditspatrons Thu 06-Apr-17 13:35:54

My family is tiny. Just my mum and dad and me.
Dh's family is huge. Three brothers. Six adult nieces and nephews - some married and with kids of their own. Several close cousins. And they all live in the same place. Consequently every weekend there seems to be something. They go for parties in a big way. So we have house warmings, baby showers, engagement parties, Halloween parties, easter parties, birthday parties (adults and kids), Christmas parties, summer bbq's and then christenings and weddings on top which are fair enough!

It means that often I have to cancel plans with my friends (not family since I don't have any) as dh says family comes first. In a fortnight I was planning a day out with my friend as I've not seen her since she had her ds last December. Just had an invitation for one of the children's birthday parties. So now it looks like I will be going to that instead. It pains me as the child in question won't care if we are there or not but more often the adults use it as an excuse to have a drink and a social occasion.
I'm finding it all a bit much. Aibu?

mouldycheesefan Thu 06-Apr-17 13:38:02

Be more assertive. Don't go if you don't want to. Don't be guilted into going. Dh can go without you sometimes. If you're already busy, don't cancel those plans.
Stop being a doormat in other words.

SquatBetty Thu 06-Apr-17 13:39:42

Can't you just see your friend and let your DH go by himself?

Placeanditspatrons Thu 06-Apr-17 13:39:50

Dh sulks. Also he needs me to drive as I don't drink.

RaspberryOverloadsOnChilli Thu 06-Apr-17 13:41:02

No, YANBU, you don't cancel plans already made. That's actually considered rude. So go ahead with your plan to meet up with your friend.

Family does not always come first. So while your DH might want to go to everything, he's not your boss and he can easily go on his own sometimes. And I'm sure his family will be able to cope with your absence sometimes.

RaspberryOverloadsOnChilli Thu 06-Apr-17 13:42:13

Your DH can quit the sulking, that's very unattractive.

And he doesn't need you to drive. He just wants the option to drink.

He's not actually being fair to you.

Justanothernameonthepage Thu 06-Apr-17 13:42:24

Say you've already got plans if you have - go to the ones you can/want too. If DH kicks off, let him and remind him that its pretty poor etiquette to cancel plans you have for a new one. The first couple of times will be the worst, then it will be the new normal.

Justanothernameonthepage Thu 06-Apr-17 13:42:49

Oh and give him a taxi number or bus timetable

Placeanditspatrons Thu 06-Apr-17 13:42:52

I also feel like some of my older friends are my family really. Because I have so little actual family. Some of my closest friends I've known most of my life. That's why it js annoying when dh says that family comes first. Yeah. His family.

mouldycheesefan Thu 06-Apr-17 13:43:02

If you are feeling kind you could drop dh off and he gets a taxi back.
Or he gets a lift
Or he learns to drive

Sulking is getting him what he wants, which is you to be his party chauffeur. Don't reward that crappy behaviour.

arbrighton Thu 06-Apr-17 13:43:23

DH can sulk- at least he'll be sulking elsewhere!

And the least he could do if it's his family is drive

Just don't go.

QueenArseClangers Thu 06-Apr-17 13:43:31

Well he sounds a right dick.

Orlantina Thu 06-Apr-17 13:43:47

You need to speak to my cousin. He has not turned up to any 'family do' for the last 3 years.

That's a lot of events. I am sure your DH would feel the same if he was expected to attend a lot of events on your family side.

Of course, he could attend by himself and drive himself. Given there's so many people, 1 less person (you) won't make a difference.

mouldycheesefan Thu 06-Apr-17 13:43:51

I agree that you need to establish a new normal. Which may be that you choose to go pr don't choose to go but it's your choice,

SwedishEdith Thu 06-Apr-17 13:44:10

He needs to learn to drive then. And you can all have a party to celebrate when he passes his test. grin

Placeanditspatrons Thu 06-Apr-17 13:44:19

They all live in the same place but we are about 45 minutes away. So it always involves a bit of travelling and it's always me driving back in the middle of the night.

Placeanditspatrons Thu 06-Apr-17 13:44:37

Oh he can drive.
He just likes a drink.

Placeanditspatrons Thu 06-Apr-17 13:45:23

I don't mind going to some.
But the kid's parties particularly annoy me.

tabulahrasa Thu 06-Apr-17 13:46:32

"Dh sulks. Also he needs me to drive as I don't drink"

Nice hmm

I'd let him sulk, and sort out his own transport

Orlantina Thu 06-Apr-17 13:46:49

If he's so desperate to attend, he can drive himself.

SwedishEdith Thu 06-Apr-17 13:47:16

Oh, well, sod him then. Just keep saying on repeat, "Sorry, I've already got plans for that day".

DingDongtheWitchIsDangDiddlyDe Thu 06-Apr-17 13:48:03

If you're choosing to go to them all with him, you can't really complain. If you don't want to, don't go. Why would you cancel plans with your friends for a family party you don't want to go to? Are you superglued together? confused

liquidrevolution Thu 06-Apr-17 13:49:25

Fuck that. Tell him to go on his own and catch a bus home.

My DH does not drink but i still take my turn to not drink and do the drive home.

Alternatively start celebrating random family events on your side. Eg dads new shed party, mum has a new jumper party. These will naturally clash with whatever is going on with his family. But you have to go to your parents as they are 'faaaamileee'.

jay55 Thu 06-Apr-17 13:50:43

You're not a taxi.
You have the right to a life outside of his family. And you are being very rude cancelling plans for a later offer.

BeachyKeen Thu 06-Apr-17 13:51:22

So you are saying if your husband sulks, because he can't drink at a kids birthday party, that you will cancel plans with a dear friend?

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