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Aibu to think this isn't unreasonable?

(10 Posts)
sailorcherries Wed 05-Apr-17 13:22:06

I have a DS who is 6 and his relationship with his father (my ex) wasn't the best for a long time. DS has always went EOW (ex stays with his mother) and some other dates for family events/longer during holidays.
Ex has a very 'the world owes me' attitude and blames his lack of an early relationship on me as I didn't 'facilitate' this, despite the EOW agreement. Obviously it had nothing to do with his drug problem and complete lack of interest.

Ex got clean and still lives with his mother. DS still attends EOW. Ex has little to no contact with DS outside this time and still relies heavily on his mother for childcare. DS doesn't even like talking on the phone to ex anymore as it's always about ex. DS has a great relationship with his paternal grandmother and enjoys her company.

Ex and I do not see eye to eye, partly due to his behaviour early on in DS' life and partly due to him being emotionally abusive, csa issues, theft etc.

I am now expecting a LO with my new partner, due date approaching quickly. DS has alwas referred to my boyfriend by his first name. However, last night DS asked my partner what the baby would call him (partner) and partner replied "dad". DS then asked if he could call my partner "dad" as it would make him feel more like a brother to LO and admitted to calling partner dad when talking to school friends as, in DS' words, "you aren't my dad but you do dad things with me so it's like being a dad". This was completely DS' idea and it has never, and will never, be forced on him. I can see his reasoning and understand that at 6 it must be confusing to know his brother will call partner dad but DS calls him his first name.

He has spent the past day and night calling partner dad and his own name. I still refer to partner as his own name, until DS either stops or assures us he wants to stick with dad.

I personally don't see anything wrong with this as it has came from DS completely. I'd never tell him he was wrong for this. However I know ex will be up in arms about it and would like to know, before the abusive texts come through, aibu in not stopping DS/not thinking DS should be forced to call partner by his first name given his reasoning?

For the record partner and I jointly own a house, aren't engaged, but have never forced DS to call anyone anything. He still refers to partners parents and siblings by their first name, not gran/aunt etc, by his own choice.

Whynotnowbaby Wed 05-Apr-17 13:26:02

I think it's tricky but I called both my dsf and df dad when I was little. I think my dsf was thrilled but it was totally my decision and I would have felt upset if he had been my sister's dad but not mine. It's got to be about the child and not the parents so if it's coming from him I think that should be allowed.

blueskyinmarch Wed 05-Apr-17 13:28:45

So he is calling his birth father ‘dad’ and your new partner ‘dad John’? Sounds like a really good way of doing it and has come entirely from your DS. If your ex makes waves then ignore him. There isn't anything he can do about it.

sailorcherries Wed 05-Apr-17 13:32:07

No he's just wanting to call them both 'dad' as the baby will call partner 'dad'.
If he stopped tomorrow and went back to calling partner 'Bob' neither of us would be annoyed or bat an eyelid, as it is and always will be his decision.

I can understand why being his age and knowing that his brother will call partner dad will make him want to. I also know that ex will lose his shit regardless of it being DS decision.

drinkswineoutofamug Wed 05-Apr-17 13:37:37

It takes a man to be a dad and someone who only gives a crap about his son on his terms doesn't deserve that title. It sounds like your partner is more of a father figure to your son than your ex is. Your son also comes across as level headed and it is his choice whom he calls what. Your ex can take a running up. This is about your son , not his dad.

blueskyinmarch Wed 05-Apr-17 13:39:46

Couldn’t you encourage ‘dad’ and 'dad bob’? I only say this because as a social worker i have seen so many children confused by exactly who ‘dad’ is. And it gets confusing in school too - teachers don’t know who is being referred to. I accept that this is my experience and it may not be confusing at all for your DS

Mu123 Wed 05-Apr-17 13:39:53

My dh has been in my dd's life since she was 11 months old, her own dad didnt really bother with her until we got married.

She has always called dh dad, dont think ex was mighty impressed and still now 8 years of him being largely mia he still pushes that she calls dh daddy 'bob'

goodnessidontknow Wed 05-Apr-17 13:42:47

How about encouraging an alternative name for both your children to use? I have never called my father dad, he's always been pop, pops, papa etc.

notcreative23 Wed 05-Apr-17 14:05:34

I vote just let your son call your DP whatever he is comfortable calling him. If he wants to call DP and your Ex both dad then good for him! It doesn't take away from your Ex, just means your son has two people he feels love and support him in that way!

sailorcherries Wed 05-Apr-17 14:15:01

My partner wants to be called dad and that's his decision. It wouldn't be fair for me to tell him no because ex might not like DS calling him that.

For other people and schools they'll understand. When he is with his father DS will call him Dad and always speaks about Dad and gran, as this is who he associates with at their home. Sometimes Dad and dad's girlfriend.
When he speaks about my partner it's his name and mummy or, now, mum and dad. He makes the distinction himself.

School won't matter as ex takes no interest in school and doesn't show up for parents night, sports day etc despite being invited.

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