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To be upset at my dm's will?

(47 Posts)
User87564758797 Wed 05-Apr-17 11:34:19

My dm has told me that her and my stepfather wrote their wills recently. She said they were 'reciprocal'. If he dies first, she gets everything and if she dies first he gets everything. So far so good. The bit that upset me was that if she dies first, he inherits everything and on his death his brother inherits everything. Nothing at all for me and my siblings. I know it's nothing to do with me but this hurts. My dm & stepdf never had kids. It feels like us kids from her first marriage count for nothing. My dm is likely to die before my stepdf as she's older than him and has a life-limiting illness. She didn't say and I didn't dare ask what would happen should he go first. I know ultimately it's nothing to do with me & I should just forget about it. Somehow it hurts. My father is already dead and his 2nd wife inherited everything.

NonsensicalNonsense Wed 05-Apr-17 11:36:16

But odd that she has told you that shes not leaving you anything. But its their life and their money so you can't say much. You may just want to ask her why thats the case or why she hasn't decided to give to you and siblings but it depends if you feel comfortable having that conversation.

EssentialHummus Wed 05-Apr-17 11:37:43

If you can do so calmly, make sure she understands the practical implications of what she is doing - i.e. cutting out you and your siblings. I'd probably word it as saying you're upset that you won't have her favourite jewellery/furniture/books to remember her by.

If she understands that she's effectively cutting you out and still chooses to carry on, that is incredibly sad for you but ultimately her choice.

ChasedByBees Wed 05-Apr-17 11:47:26

Yes essentialhummus has it - just ask. What she is doing is hurtful. No doubt someone will be along to say her choice and you shouldn't expect anything but I think it's not unreasonable to expect some provision from your parents if possible.

Crazycatladyloz82 Wed 05-Apr-17 11:48:33

Legally even though you are technically excluded you have a claim on her will as her child. It would be messy and horrible but should she pass away first you can seek legal advice.

The best solution as mentioned above is to speak to her and explain what this means. They could then redraft the will that he receives everything on her death and then upon his death it goes to you. A friend's mother passed away and when her husband (the step father) passes it will go to my friend. Even if you secure agreement that you could have a few possessions that have sentimental value to you that would be something.

DJBaggySmalls Wed 05-Apr-17 11:59:31

YANBU. Its upsetting that she did it and upsetting that she told you. I'd be surprised if she had the will drawn up by a solicitor as they should have pointed out to her it can be contested.

RatherBeRiding Wed 05-Apr-17 12:03:50

Not unreasonable to be upset - it is a very hurtful thing to do. I wonder if your DM fully realises the implications? No harm in asking if it is her intention that you and your siblings will inherit absolutely nothing. If she says "Yes" I would ask her why - if you can remain calm.

Of course her possessions are hers to leave as she wishes, but strange that her brother in law stands to inherit over her own children in the event she dies first. I do wonder if she's thought it through properly.

Medeci Wed 05-Apr-17 12:04:51

They could then redraft the will that he receives everything on her death and then upon his death it goes to you.
I don't understand how this could work. Surely if he inherits everything he can do what he likes with it, ie sell valuables and spend all the money. There might not be anything left by the time he dies.

thecatfromjapan Wed 05-Apr-17 12:05:36

Is your stepf your mother's carer? I wonder how vulnerable and indebted to him she feels?

TrickyD Wed 05-Apr-17 12:05:50

This is why we have gone to some lengths and expense to ensure that our estate is tied up so that when we are dead no partner of our DSs will have any claim on it, known as protecting the bloodline. We also gave our DSs copies of our wills to read before signing them in order to make sure they were both happy with them.

diddl Wed 05-Apr-17 12:05:59

"She didn't say and I didn't dare ask what would happen should he go first."

That's the big question though & is the only way of finding out if she has left you anything.

Presumably they are leaving everything initially to each other as it will be needed by the other spouse to live on?

PinkFlamingo545 Wed 05-Apr-17 12:06:00

This is strange.

Has she dementia or something, does she really understand that she is leaving everything to your bro - and giving the rest of you 'the finger'?

In my family, wills seem to be used as weapons in this way - wills constantly changed depending on what grudge is going on that week.

Everyone I know in my family has used their will to hurt people after they have died...and a short while back, my mother explained that she would be doing the same, disinheriting my sibling and leaving everything to me - so I told her to disinherit me too - from her last piece of control

If the time comes, on her deparature that she has left anything to me, I will donate it to a worthwhile charity and end this fucking stupid circle of people using money and wills as control after their death

icanteven Wed 05-Apr-17 12:06:02

Did she intend to distress you by telling you this?

My parents had reciprocal wills because they were only ever married to each other, and there is only me. So they were first in line for each other, and then I'm the sole heir after that, less 1 charitable bequest each, and an expectation that I would take my father's brothers into account should it ever become a need.

It makes precisely no sense to do this when there are second marriages in place.

Is your mother's husband VERY much younger than her, or just a couple of years. I mean, like, your age sort of thing, and is it possible that this was always his intention? Is there a big estate involved?

MrsPughSingsSleafordMods Wed 05-Apr-17 12:08:03

Legally even though you are technically excluded you have a claim on her will as her child

Is this accurate though. There was a recent case (last month?) where a mother left her fortune to various animal charities. The daughter took it to court where the mother's wishes were upheld. I remember at the time thinking, this doesn't bode well for future similar claims - but maybe not.

kaitlinktm Wed 05-Apr-17 12:08:33

Isn't this similar to what happened with Lynda Bellingham - or am I getting confused? I know there was a lot of bad feeling between her sons and their stepfather.

BraveButShaking Wed 05-Apr-17 12:08:51

It seems odd that she should wish to tell you this.

Maybe ask her why she thought she should tell you. Or ask her to confirm that her solicitor knows where the Wills are or something.

Then, if there are specific family items that you would treasure maybe ask if something can be written in so that at least those go to you and your siblings. That might make them think a bit about the implications.

How well do you get on with stepF's brother? I mean, would there be tension. If I were him I think I'd feel a bit uncomfortable about it, but maybe you don't know him at all.

MrsPughSingsSleafordMods Wed 05-Apr-17 12:10:02

I mean you could make a claim but there is no guarantee you would be successful. Hopefully someone with some expertise will come along and explain.

MrsPear Wed 05-Apr-17 12:11:09

Oh op it is horrid. In my case I am not included in either of my divorced parents wills nor are my children. Instead the money is split between my two other siblings. It hurts but it is their choice. If you feel able then ask if she is clear on what the will means. Btw I am currently on the train to mothers for an Easter break so I am carrying on as normal nor will I question it when the time comes.

reup Wed 05-Apr-17 12:11:15

I know of 2 second marriages and in the will the 2nd wife got a life interest in the property. When she died it went to the son of the first marriage. And another one had similar but also there was bunch of money in trust for the children of first marriage. The second wife could live on the interest but had to get executors approval for cashing it all in. I'm sure there's a lot of scope for problems in the latter case as the 2nd wife is joint executor. Also not sure what happens with care homes etc as it hadn't happened in either case I know.

childmaintenanceserviceinquiry Wed 05-Apr-17 12:11:26

I would ask her to include a separate line for personal possessions eg photos, family possessions of limited value etc. So she and her husband can see you are not interested in money but the family history.

CaptainBraandPants Wed 05-Apr-17 12:12:06

What happens if your stepfather's brother dies first?
I am a firm believer that people can leave their money to whoever they want, but, yes, I would be hurt in your situation.

Athome77 Wed 05-Apr-17 12:16:48

What would you like? I would go and ask for the things I wanted e.g. Such and such photo, ring, piece of furniture etc as they mean something sentimental.

However if it's about the house and savings (not saying your like this just lots of people are), why exactly do you expect to get it?

I would like my mums jewellery (just so my awful sil's don't get it and sell it, I don't wear jewellery), but there houses etc can be left to the dogs trust, they earned the money they can do what they want with it.

GloriaV Wed 05-Apr-17 12:16:54

You shouldn't just leave everything to your spouse because once they become infirm everything will go on care fees. Too late then to give to anyone else. Assuming there is easily enough money for the second spouse to live on comfortably.
Better to leave the second spouse with an estimated amount to see them through. Mind you this could run to thousands, but leaving it all to people of the same generation it's likely to go on fees.

ElinorRigby Wed 05-Apr-17 12:18:17

That's an interesting one.

I am my partner's second wife and will be the sole beneficiary if he predeceases me. ( He has two children from his first marriage.) He has, however, asked me if I'd continue to keep an eye on his older child - now in his late twenties, whose life and money-earning abilities have been complicated by his not being neurotypical.

I think the logic of his decision is

a) both his two older children will inherit when their mother, who has not remarried, is no longer alive.
b) his third child - our joint child - will, of course, not benefit from a)
c) I have supported him in his career, and assisted him in setting up a business, as well as prioritising looking after all three children. Our money has been considered as 'joint' money rather than 'his' or 'mine'.

I do ponder about what eventual responsibilities I might have about my stepson. However, he is doing quite well, at the moment. I think it might be more a matter of being there to advise and help him, should he need it. His not being neurotypical means there are repsects in which he's not especially good with money. I think I'd just have to think about what my husband might do in any given situation. (He's the sort who asks searching questions about robust plans first, when it's to do with children and money - rather than automatically digging into his pocket for yet another handout.)

oldestmumaintheworld Wed 05-Apr-17 12:18:20

This is such a difficult issue, but it may be that your Mum hasn't thought through what she's doing. It's possible that she is just thinking about the home they live in and him (your stepfather) having somewhere to live after she dies.

If you can, get together with your Mum and your siblings, without your stepfather and speak to her. If she is clear about what she is doing and why, then at least you'll know. I know that that won't make it hurt any less, but you will at least not be in for any nasty surprises when she goes.

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