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I know I'm been a little unreasonable but can anyone else relate to this?

(29 Posts)
pinkberry7258 Wed 05-Apr-17 10:26:47

I decided to stop breastfeeding a few days after giving birth as I was finding it a struggle feeding on demand as well as having a 4 year old at home to look after. Our family members knew how much breastfeeding meant to me and were surprised I suddenly switched to formula. All I'm hearing now is you're much better off now you can go out and leave her for a few hours. I then have had my mil ring us up twice to ask us can she babysit this week so that me and my DH can "go out for a few drinks since I'm not breastfeeding any more." I know I sound very selfish but my daughter is not even a week old and I've no desire to want to leave her for any length of time just yet to go drinking and I certainly didn't give up breastfeeding to have my social life back. It's been an emotional few days and it's not made any easier that when we have visitors they all want to give her her bottle. No one seems to understand I feel a little sad having stopped breast feeding as it was my time with my lo and now all of a sudden everyone wants to feed her.

DingDongtheWitchIsDangDiddlyDe Wed 05-Apr-17 10:33:09

Just tell them you aren't interested in leaving the baby, bf'ing has nothing to do with that.

They probably don't understand that you are bothered about stopping, if you only did it for a few doesn't really equate with you saying it meant a lot to you and it was your time with the baby.

LoveMyLittleSuperhero Wed 05-Apr-17 10:36:21

YANBU, your little one isn't even a week old, you are both still bonding. Just smile and ignore, plenty of "mmm" noises, and if anyone insists on telling you that you should go for drinks just tell them you don't want to and are perfectly happy at home with your DD.
Anyone tries to feed your DD when you don't wish them to say no thankyou, if they try to insist and you want to offer an explanation say "we are still bonding and because I have had to stop breast feeding I think it is important I feed her myself"

Congratulations on your DDs birth flowers

MamaHanji Wed 05-Apr-17 10:36:34

I understand how you feel. I'm still breastfeeding my baby but sometimes I'm so close to throwing in the towel (like today).

My first was formula fed and I didn't leave her until she was nearly 6 months! She's a few weeks old and even with my second; she is 18 weeks and I still won't be away from her.

It is your decision entirely. And it's one that I'm sure most mothers share. When they get older; It's different. But right now, she is a newborn and just needs mummy and daddy.

I'm sorry you're sad about breastfeeding stopping. It is such a commitment and so bloody draining and at time horrible painful. But it is a lovely bond too. Easier said than done, but try not to feel guilty.

Cliche saying but 'happy mum equals happy baby'

If you're able to give her to someone for a feed so you can have a shower or spend 1 on 1 time with your older child, it is the right thing for you to do

Tell them where to stick it if they keep being insensitive to you wishes.


pinkberry7258 Wed 05-Apr-17 10:41:04

It was a nurse who saw how stressed I was that said to me it doesn't matter how baby is fed once baby is fed that made me realise I could spend all my time feeding my daughter on demand or I could stop and use a bottle and spend time with my son aswell. I bf my son for a few months when he was born and I forget how much time and dedication it involves which I had then but not now. I admire any one who can do it.

primaryboodle Wed 05-Apr-17 10:45:32

Absolutely do not let people take your baby if you are not ready. I had exactly the same and it has shattered a previously great relationship with MIL as her only conversations with me from the moment dd was born were to enquire a) when would i stop breastfeeding or b) could i leave the baby with her while i went on some random errand... it actually made me more determined to carry on breastfeeding so that i could use that as an excuse rather than feeling alward saying 'actually i dont want to leave her'. Its a massively normal response to not want to leave your tiny newborn!

WorraLiberty Wed 05-Apr-17 10:58:17

You have a new baby

They're all excited and can't wait to help out.

Just be firm and tell them if you need/want them to, you'll let them know.

ChrisYoungFuckingRocks Wed 05-Apr-17 11:16:51

My DTDs were born at 28 weeks, and I really wanted to b/f, but I couldn't, as their mouths were too small sad. Then later, DTD2 had a stoma, and could only drink special formula with the amino acids already broken down. She really wanted to b/f but wasn't allowed, and DTD1, who could b/f, wasn't interested. I expressed every 3 hours, but after 6 months it simply got too much and I couldn't do it any more. In my case nobody gave me a hard time because of the circumstances, but I feel for you.

Just do what's right for you, and don't let them get to you. Your baby, your rules. Contrats, btw. grin I also wouldn't leave my week-old baby for anything or anyone.

TooGood2BeFalse Wed 05-Apr-17 11:22:47

My MIL HATED me breastfeeding cos she felt she couldn't get close to baby. She has no boundaries at all..even once kissing baby on the top of the head while he was on the boob..Some might not find that weird but I was so uncomfortable! Your have every right to your space and know what feels right for you.Don't let anyone bully you otherwise

TheVanguardSix Wed 05-Apr-17 11:25:04

Congratulations, first and foremost!

But good heavens, I don't even leave our 3 year old alone with dad for too long! grin
Sadly, you'll have to point out the bleeding obvious and tell people you're focused on resting, recovering, and bonding with baby.
Permission granted to close the shutters, bolt the door, and get to know your baby and her habits... and to allow your emotions to settle, your hormones to regulate. You also need to read your four year old's reactions. You are now and very suddenly looking after two children... a big shift! Don't underestimate that you have lots of new, exciting, and yes, challenging days ahead. Honour this. Stopping breastfeeding is a letdown, both physically and emotionally. Honour your body, own your time, and if you have to draw a line in the sand, draw a line in the sand. You just had a baby! People are excited for you, yes, but they're also being a bit (unwittingly) selfish and new mothers are expected to just crack on with life as usual in order to accommodate others (sometimes). It's about no one else but you and your family right now.
Don't be hard on yourself about stopping breastfeeding. You've got to do what you've got to do. I've done exclusive, I've done mixed, I've done formula... the important thing is that you are all healthy! Don't even flirt with guilt over this one. Life is too short.

lilyborderterrier Wed 05-Apr-17 11:37:02

Congratulations on your new baby xx it's still the babymoon xx enjoy family time with who you choose, politely decline other offers and turn off your phone love xx they'll be times in the future when they can help out.

Bless you don't beat yourself up my love it's hard. But a happy mummy is the best thing x

Trifleorbust Wed 05-Apr-17 11:39:28

Breastfeeding or not, of course you're unlikely to want to leave your 1 week old baby and 'go for a few drinks'. You want to be with the baby and your son, and bond with them as their mum. Tell them no, thank you, it's a kind thought but you don't want to go out.

seafoodeatit Wed 05-Apr-17 11:54:50

YANBU. How you feed your baby is irrelevant at this point, I find it sad that they feel you not breastfeeding is some kind of invitation for them to to demand time with your child! Say thanks but no thanks, no most women wouldn't want you leave their small babies either, it's completely normal.

seafoodeatit Wed 05-Apr-17 11:55:34

to not you* trying to type with a baby hanging over my arm!

HappyFlappy Wed 05-Apr-17 11:55:35

You are not REMOTELY unreasonable!

What is it with some people that they can't wait to get their hands on tiny babies? You and your LO need a chance to settle and get to know each other. And I imagine that you are tired a lot of the time, having a new baby and a 4yo to care for - you won't want to go out, you'll just want to veg in front of crappy TV programmes (that don't demand any intellectual engagement on your part) and cuddle your baby/ies.

Tell everybody to get stuffed!

mistermagpie Wed 05-Apr-17 12:10:03

God, yes! My DS is 9 days old and bottle fed. Yesterday DHs Aunt was saying she is 'desperate' to babysit and why didn't she have DS at the weekend so me and DH could go out for dinner. I mean, firstly, if I went out for dinner I would probably fall asleep in my starter, and that's if I managed to find something to wear other than my pyjamas. Secondly, DS is NINE DAYS OLD. Formula feeding or not, I have no desire to leave him yet.

To be fair, it's very kind of her to offer but no, just no.

ForTheSakeOfFuck Wed 05-Apr-17 12:26:49

This doesn't help now, but after DS, the biggest lesson I learned was to tell everyone to fuck off to the far side of fuck for AT LEAST two weeks, and not to turn up unless summoned. It caused enormous ructions when I declared that this would be the rule this time round (expecting DTDs in a few weeks) but oh my god, having people try to take my one week old baby out of my arms like he was a toy to be passed round nearly sent me into a murderous rage. And he was exclusively BFed, too, but the sheer desperation from others to "just give him a bottle" was overwhelming. Everyone got kicked out on day two, many hysterical tears, lots of accusatory "selfish" nonsense, and I look back now and wish I had banned them from even being in my house when I got home from hospital. These first weeks are for you and your very closest family. You owe absolutely no one the privilege of holding, feeding, or even seeing your baby if you don't choose it. You will feel horrible now and others will strive to make you feel worse, but in hindsight you will have absolutely no regrets. These days never come again. Kick them out, and tell them they come back when you are ready. Only when you are ready. Not a minute before.

flowers OP. You are not being even fractionally unreasonable. I even feel quite stabby on your behalf.

thecatsarecrazy Wed 05-Apr-17 12:29:01

My ds is 9 weeks old and I'm in bed by 9. I was told the first few weeks are important bonding time for mum dad and baby. Even bottle fed babies should only be held by parents. Unfortunately my ds was in hospital from 6 days to 5 weeks and had all manner of people holding him. I'm trying to make up for it now

mistermagpie Wed 05-Apr-17 13:23:53

ForThe, see I think that's a bit extreme but if that's how you feel then you should absolutely set the boundaries. I have found visitors (just close family and friends so far) quite useful because if they hold the baby for ten minutes then I get to spend ten minutes with my other son. He's only 20 months though, so still quite clingy himself. That said a couple of people have been sniffy about not getting a cuddle when he's been sleeping in my arms, I'm not willing to disturb him while he's settled by playing pass the parcel.

ForTheSakeOfFuck Wed 05-Apr-17 13:35:54

magpie: see I think that's a bit extreme but if that's how you feel then you should absolutely set the boundaries.

There was an awful lot of shit that precipitated it, but I didn't want to derail. Think MIL telling me that I was starving my baby by not producing enough milk, hence his crying. ("With MY letdown, milk would squirt across the room. Yours doesn't seem to do that. There doesn't seem to be enough milk in there." Great to hear when you've spent twenty-four hours sobbing about whether your milking is coming in.) She then trying to physically drag him out of my arms on several occasions to give him a bottle so he wouldn't "die of starvation", and whilst I was feeding him, she'd actually make formula up, come into the room, and try to give it to him the moment he unlatched despite me telling her very rudely and bluntly that he wasn't having any of it. And then telling me every time I fed him for more than five minutes that I was spoiling him and holding him too much and being selfish by not letting "others" her cuddle him too. Then walking away with my hungry, crying baby telling me that she'd sort it out. I'm sorry are you fucking lactating in your sixties all of a sudden? All that and more for forty-eight straight hours. After I had slept about four hours in four days. Oh god the rage... She had decided, too, that since I was too stupid to know what to do with a newborn, that she was staying with us for a week (didn't bother to ask me first) so that she could take care of him. Finding out that she wasn't leaving any time soon was the straw that broke the camel's back. So yeah... she really, really needed to go home, or end up under the patio. Basically she didn't want to move from mother to grandmother. She wanted to carry on being mother and for me to... I dunno. Vanish? Cease to exist? Whatever the case, it has hugely damaged our relationship long-term and I have no intention of reliving anything like that hell when the DTDs arrive. She will come when I'm ready for her and not a second before. And even that will be very carefully managed. No more of this sudden "Oh by the way I'm staying for a week" shit. Day visit, cuddles, cheerio.

Apologies for derailment, OP.

SerialReJoiner Wed 05-Apr-17 13:44:29

That's awful, forthe. I'm all tense and angry just reading it, I can't imagine having to live through it.

pink it doesn't matter how baby is getting fed; YOU are the mum. You are precious to your baby. You are important. There is nothing wrong with wanting to stay close to baby - it's completely normal!!

DJBaggySmalls Wed 05-Apr-17 13:46:37

YANBU, people shouldn't be grabby with new babies.

HumpHumpWhale Wed 05-Apr-17 13:57:24

The only thing YABU about is the bit where you say you know it sounds selfish. Eh, no. You don't sound even slightly selfish. At all. I personally was fine leaving my second baby for an hour or two from pretty early but it MUST be up to you as the mum to decide. Saying that, I do mean 2 hours absolute max and not at 1 week old. Maybe 3? (& it was like 11 months with DS) And at 10 months now I'm still more interested in going to bed than going out drinking.

ForTheSakeOfFuck Wed 05-Apr-17 14:17:34

Some rellies do just lose the plot when a new baby arrives. It can trigger bizarre fractures in the family hierarchy about how "owns" said baby, who got to see it first, who's had most cuddles, who's bought it most stuff, who's spent most time, etc. etc. etc.. By a miracle my own DM wasn't, and will never be in the frame. She would have made my MIL look positively angelic and the fireworks she would have caused between our families through her special brand of competitive antagonism, especially as the all-powerful maternal grandmother, would have been visible from outerspace.

But anyway, watch out for otherwise-normal, sane, lovely people suddenly catching the Baby Crazies and starting to do truly outrageous things, OP. You remain absolutely entitled to tell them to leave you alone for as much peace and quiet as you need. If ever there is a woman who is authorised to tell even the Queen to bugger off and come back later, it is the woman with newborn/young baby.

liquidrevolution Thu 06-Apr-17 08:11:45

I switched to formula as i never took to bf and my body was in a bad way after all pregnancy hg, spd and an emcs.

MIL accused me of poisoning 'her poor precious granddaughter' hmm

People are just rude and unthinking and it becomes clearer after the birth of a child.

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