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AIBU?

Moving away with DD

144 replies

Cadwallader · 04/04/2017 20:52

DD has just turned 3. Me and her dad are divorced. We come from the north east but moved south during the recession for a better quality of life, education, work etc.. DD was born down here.

DD spends every weekend with her dad. I struggle as a single mother and have decided to move back to the north east where I have the support of my family. It's a 7 hour journey away.

Her dad is incredibly upset. He has work down here so cannot leave and has requested that if I do go that we have a shared care arrangement, so 2 weeks with him, 2 weeks with me until she starts school. I am not happy about this as I will receive no maintenance and it will disrupt her learning at nursery. I'm not going to agree to it. I have suggested 4 days a fortnight.

AIBU?

OP posts:

Report

Cadwallader · 04/04/2017 20:59

bump

OP posts:

NonsensicalNonsense · 04/04/2017 21:00

Be prepared to take it to court i guess.

RedHelenB · 04/04/2017 21:02

I think you are sorry. I think once she s in school you will find it easier.i think her need for her dad does trump your desire to be nearer your family BUT can he support you more to benefit your daughter?

HermioneJeanGranger · 04/04/2017 21:03

Be aware that he can take you to court to stop you moving her.

Would you like it if the roles were reversed?

AnneLovesGilbert · 04/04/2017 21:04

YABVU. Of course he's upset! He may be upset enough to go to court and get an order to prevent you from moving so I wouldn't make too many plans until you've spoken to him about it more.

There's no point coming up with an arrangement that won't work once she's started school, even if it won't be for two years.

If you do decide to move and he decides not to try and stop you, are you prepared to do all the travelling? It'll be your choice to go so I'd give some thought to the consequences of how you're going to assist contact between your daughter and her father.

Would you want to halve the amount of time you spend with your child? Why would he? Making decisions about contact between your child and her father based on money aren't going to get you far in court either.

If you want to move back to your family then maybe think about doing that, leaving your child with her dad, then you having 4 days to see her a month.

BarbarianMum · 04/04/2017 21:04

I think you are neing unreasonable, sorry. How word 4 days a fortnight work? Would it include 2 days of travel time? Who would do and pay for the travel? What happens when she starts school - does he just get to see herfpra fortnightbin the summer and a week at Easter?

I guess you'll just have to hope he doesn't take it to court.

BarbarianMum · 04/04/2017 21:04

I think you are neing unreasonable, sorry. How word 4 days a fortnight work? Would it include 2 days of travel time? Who would do and pay for the travel? What happens when she starts school - does he just get to see herfpra fortnightbin the summer and a week at Easter?

I guess you'll just have to hope he doesn't take it to court.

Cadwallader · 04/04/2017 21:04

Well he has offered but I just can't cope living here, I'm depressed. he has moved on and has a new partner. I know the schools are much better here but I need to be around my family.

OP posts:

AnythingGoesWithMe · 04/04/2017 21:06

I think Yabu. 7 hours is a really long way! Would you do the travelling or expect him to do it?
Saying you reject the 2 week sharing as you won't get maintenance makes you sound greedy. Even if you do need help with living costs. If it's best for DD to see her dad then I think you need to suck it up.
Fwiw I live away from my family too so I know it can be hard

ItsAMessyLife · 04/04/2017 21:07

Well he has offered but I just can't cope living here, I'm depressed. he has moved on and has a new partner. I know the schools are much better here but I need to be around my family.

Would he be willing to be the resident parent with you having four days per fortnight?

Justanothernameonthepage · 04/04/2017 21:08

His suggestion seems fair to me. But if you're struggling, then perhaps increase his share of time with her to more 50/50 as a test to see how that works out.

Rkd808 · 04/04/2017 21:09

Sorry but I think you're bu, would you consider moving up north and her primary residence being with her father and only seeing her for 4 days at a time and maybe every other weekend when she starts school? If not why do you have the right to force that on her father? You probably need to find an arrangement that allows you both be happy and neither having to drive 14 hours every other week or so to maintain contact.

Msqueen33 · 04/04/2017 21:09

I understand why you'd want to but you'd be taking her away from her daughter. They'll have little to no relationship. How would you feel if your husband had full custody of your dd and wanted to take her seven hours away from you? I do feel for you though but I'm not surprised he went mad.

ImperialBlether · 04/04/2017 21:09

Does it suit you to lose every weekend? Do you work while he has her?

LouBlue1507 · 04/04/2017 21:12

YABVU and I think you know that.

VimFuego101 · 04/04/2017 21:13

He will likely try to get a prohibited steps order to prevent you moving. He could even take you to court to get residency.

Trifleorbust · 04/04/2017 21:14

I live a long distance from my family and I know how hard this is, even with my DH. I would also struggle in your situation.

With that said, I would be devastated if I lost my DD other than for 4 days per fortnight.

NotStoppedAllDay · 04/04/2017 21:16

You are a parent now..... grow up..... it's not about you anymore, it's about your child

Yabu

But I bet he's busy googling and will put up a fight in court

MrsHarveySpecterV · 04/04/2017 21:21

YABU. Have you considered what that journey would be like for your daughter? A seven hour journey four times a month seems a lot for a three year old. It must be hard for you but I think you need to do what is best for your daughter and it doesn't sound like moving her away from her Dad would be.

needsahalo · 04/04/2017 21:21

He will likely try to get a prohibited steps order to prevent you moving. He could even take you to court to get residency

And the odds on him winning are low. There is no suggestion the OP is a 'bad parent', the child concerned is not yet in school, and he has his primary attachment to the OP. The move to be near family is not unreasonable, particularly if it enables the OP to work. Courts are not in the habit of preventing moves of this nature.

All that said, you need to be realistic OP, particularly if your ex takes the court route. How will contact work?

user1243 · 04/04/2017 21:22

Seriously? Single mum here living in a different country to my whole family. It's your job to give your child the best education and what is right for her why are you moving her from an area with a better education just so you can become more dependent and rely on your family? I know it's hard but you need to sometimes get some therapy in place if you are actually depressed and do what's best for your daughter. Your actions are selfish. You won't last a minute in court. Your ex must be so sad having his daughter moved 7 hours away to place where he knows she won't have the same opportunities and can only have her for 4 days. Also does money really matter if he has it but won't contribute then I get it he's being selfish but if he can't spare much why make his life harder and punish him for something he can't help. Let him see her even if doesn't pay child maintenance. Plus your daughter will be so un happy be carted 7 hours up and down the country every few weeks just because her mum wanted to run back home. I'm sorry if this is harsh but sometimes you need to hear it.

NotStoppedAllDay · 04/04/2017 21:23

Why are you worried about it getting maintenance if you have shared care?

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NotStoppedAllDay · 04/04/2017 21:25

Also, if he's awarded the standard every other weekend it will likely be your responsibility op to get her to/from her dads....

Do you drive?
Do you have a car?
Can you afford the fuel for that distance?
Is your DD a good traveller?

AnneLovesGilbert · 04/04/2017 21:25

What's him having a new partner got to do with anything? She's his only child!

Do you imagine my DH loves his children any less because he's now married to me? Or his ex because she has another DP?

You had this child together. You're both her parents. Will you love her or want to be part of her life less if you have another relationship?

It's not even about your ex. What about your daughter's right to a decent relationship with her dad?

Have you thought about how you'll explain to her when she's older that she barely knows the man because you didn't think her having relationships with both of you was as important as you moving 7 bloody hours away?

You don't seem to have put any thought into how it would work. You asked the question. Read the responses people are giving you here.

I'm genuinely sorry you're struggling and having a hard time. I can understand the pull of family nearer by. But uprooting your daughter and taking her away from her dad who she sees 2/7 is awful.

coolaschmoola · 04/04/2017 21:26

YABU... When you have a baby it stops being about you. Moving may be best for YOU, but it's not best for your child.

There are many ways to address depression - find one that won't hurt your dd.

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