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AIBU adult DS cut off realtionship

(31 Posts)
user1491309983 Tue 04-Apr-17 14:36:09

I have 2 DS's both now adults and in early 20's - one away from home and the eldest just away today but under very bad conditions.
I'm sat here now thinking about them as babies, toddlers and growing up and hopes for them, not about high flying jobs, just happy, settled, confident and with enough money in their pockets to allow them choices in life.
Youngest away at Uni - peaks and troughs but finding his way through and building on his life lessons and experiences- so bobbing along.
Eldest DS has some wonderful qualities - compassionate, generous, kind.....but over the last couple of years I've seem some huge changes - moods, he works long hours - I do to, expects all to be laid to him and all has come bubbling to the surface - he's the only one of friends that needs to do anything at home @24 years, I nag, don't know anything about his life - and after being asked to leave after yet another episode of turning up in the early hours v.v.v. drunk without key he was finally asked to leave as he needs some respect and to go out there and experience real world.
Today he has picked up his things after a night away, I had hoped that things would have calmed down, but he's told me that he f....ing hates me that I'm a F...dick and that he will never speak to me again and i'll end up old and alone.
Hurt doesn't begin to explain how I feel...I brought them up alone for most of their life and after rubbish relationships with my parents didn't want this.
I know that this happens in families, I know that I'm not right all the time but AIBU in asking him to leave? My lovely son, what's happened?

JonStark Tue 04-Apr-17 14:39:33

What will happen is he will get a taste of the real world and grow up and realise he doesn't hate you etc. He will get over it. You definitely did the right thing. By letting him stay you'd be teaching him that his behaviour is okay.

I have experience of this from the other side, although I was probably a lot worse than your son blush

DesignedForLife Tue 04-Apr-17 14:49:58

Agree with Jon, he's about to get a hard dose of reality and realise just how easy he's had it up to now. Stick to your guns, you're not a hotel.

osprey1 Tue 04-Apr-17 15:01:57

sorry just bumping for any advice/thoughts

ThePiglet59 Tue 04-Apr-17 15:05:31

"...compassionate, generous, kind...he's told me that he f....ing hates me that I'm a F...dick and that he will never speak to me again and i'll end up old and alone..."

Something doesn't add up here.
He sounds like a spoilt, whining arsehole to me.

redshoeblueshoe Tue 04-Apr-17 15:15:23

I agree with Piglet, he sounds like a spoilt arse.
Leave him to it.
Why did he do nothing around the home ?

Happyandhungry Tue 04-Apr-17 15:16:30

You spoilt him I think and now you're seeing the ugly side. Let him go off and make mistakes, learn from them and eventually come back to you. 24 is too old for this behaviour! He could have his own place married with kids by now confused

Hitmonlee Tue 04-Apr-17 15:17:00

This was me a month ago. It was heartbreaking. I spent days asking myself what happened to turn our relationship so bad. We hardly spoke unless it was me nagging or him demanding something. He did nothing in the house and when home refused to talk to us. After many ultimatums he chose to move into a flatshare.

But. Things have never been better. We see him once a week now, we communicate better because I have nothing to nag him about. If his flat is untidy or he stays in bed all day it's no longer in my face or my problem. When he comes over it's because he wants to and there's no bedroom for him to sit in and play online games. I know more about his life now than I ever did. He does know that this is always his home and he can always come back

Hang in there OP. He's angry with you now but a dose of reality could make him see just how much you do for him and why things at home were unacceptable . Leave it a few days and invite him over for dinner

I never thought I would say this but him leaving was the best thing that happened for my relationship with him and my relationship with the rest of the family because I'm a lot more chilled now the constant nagging and arguments have stopped.

redshoeblueshoe Tue 04-Apr-17 15:17:31

Has he actually moved out ? I'd get a lodger in fast.

MycatsaPirate Tue 04-Apr-17 15:20:01

Ah they think they are so hard done by and then they leave home and think 'fuck! I need to do everything myself!'.

My 18 year old is at uni and is finally realising that there is no washing fairy, no bed making fairy and definitely no cooking fairy. She's having to do it all herself and to be honest it's the best thing that could have happened.

If she'd stayed at home any longer I may have throttled her because of her lazy, 'why should I' attitude. She's home at the moment for two weeks and is actually being fairly reasonable with regards her own washing etc.

I certainly had no idea how much my mum did until I left home but I left at 17 and was completely and utterly independent by then anyway.

He'll learn and I hope, will apologise.

lazytuesday Tue 04-Apr-17 15:39:02

Awwww i think you did the right thing. He needs to move away from being dependant on you. Its okay to come and stay etc but you cant have a 24 yo still expecting to do his washing at yours or for you to cook for him regularly. He needs to go away and learn to rely on himself a bit more.
It doesnt sound like he is too wayward and is capable of supporting himself so i imagine it will just take him a little while to realise.
You may be looking at a year or so though of him being quite grumpy with you. I really think though that in the end when he properly takes responsibility for his own life he will reconnect with you as an adult.

osprey1 Tue 04-Apr-17 15:47:54

I have an awful feeling that drugs may be involved somewhere - he's grown up with a group of friends that went off into the world a few years ago - the couple of new 'friends' he's made seem different - and when they appear on the scene some quite major changes happen - he's too old for me to tell him not to play out with them! but these random mood swings are strange and seem to happen when he's been with them - not blaming them - he's an adult

redshoeblueshoe Tue 04-Apr-17 15:51:03

Have you name changed OP ?

osprey1 Tue 04-Apr-17 15:57:22

ages since I've posted been a member for about 8 years but couldn't remember password so needed to create new account, only when I posted my message I realised that I hadn't created a username so went back in to create

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Tue 04-Apr-17 16:04:04

he's the only one of friends that needs to do anything at home
Oh that old one; you must have been hearing that since he turned 13.
Was he away at university too or didn't he apply, some of this might be jealousy his younger brother is a student and not yet in full time employment.
Well he can do his own thing now, unfettered by mum, can't he. He is probably hoping you will beg him to return.
Try not to worry (I know, I know).

Mcchickenbb41 Tue 04-Apr-17 16:06:58

Today you did him as well as yourself a massive favour. He may not see it right now but he will. Have a good cry then pick yourself up flowers

DoggyMadMum Tue 04-Apr-17 16:12:49

At 24, his attitude and the way he spoke to you are disgusting, he's not a young teen?! He will calm down, get experience of the real world and be a better person for it. I'm sure he'll come round once he's stopped sulking.

Kevinbaconsrealwife Tue 04-Apr-17 16:20:52

I have a feeling hes on for the learning curve of his life OP.....just look after yourself right now, you couldn't have done any more for him....admittedly I was a few years younger than him when I also thought I knew it all when in all reality I knew fuck all!!! He,ll be back....just stand firm ....take care X

NotYoda Tue 04-Apr-17 16:24:20

He may be an asreg=hole. He may be experiencing mental health problems.

I really feel for you, OP. To be spoken to like that is horrible and unfair.

NotYoda Tue 04-Apr-17 16:24:33

*arsehole, even

Bettercallsaul1 Tue 04-Apr-17 16:25:49

Excellent and lovely post, Hitmonlee! A lot of wisdom there.

sonjadog Tue 04-Apr-17 16:26:50

You´ve done the right thing. He needs to stand on his own feet and at 24 it is overdue. Try not to dwell on the comments he made today, when you have some distance from each other and hopefully when he has matured a bit more, you can have a better, adult relationship.

Headofthehive55 Tue 04-Apr-17 16:46:45

He's just upset he's lost his servant.
He will be able to do what he pleases now won't he. He will learn!

osprey1 Thu 06-Apr-17 21:19:41

...so 48 on.. and after having phone conversation with son asking to come back for 3 weeks, no apology on behaviour, and after suggesting family that he can stay with and friends, just received this message:
"..........I'll never forget this, I hope I f...ing die from a heart attack! you stay at home Mum you selfish selfish person! Cay you pull £2500 out of your ar.. thought not! thanks for starting me off in life in debt for no reason...you've failed me as a mother! you've failed me as a person! I have no mother and never had a father! I never had the same as other kids growing up! I had to become my own man with no guidance no fucks given about me! you have no idea the fucking struggles I've had to go through! Hope you have a nice life with your husband."

Brought both up by myself from 3 years of age until 5 years ago when I married - DH loves them and try's to help but his stance of we're all adults in the house so everyone mucks in and pushes a hoover around once a week is nagging.

DS hasn't seen Dad for many years and refuses to have contact.

What do I do??? The last 48 hours have been horrible

TimeIhadaNameChange Thu 06-Apr-17 21:27:36

You have two options. Either stand firm and see this through, or say that yes he can come back once he has apologied, agrees to house rules and in return for £x a month (nominal figure), on the understanding that one episode of rule-breaking and he is out.

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