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To not repeat what I heard...

(13 Posts)
FrenchFrys Tue 04-Apr-17 11:12:57

NC as this could be outing I guess?
OH has been friends with the same group of lads since high school. One of the guys has had cancer twice and while I don't know the ins and outs of it I know that it has meant that his is permanently disabled and has very low levels of vision.
Each week my OH drives him into our local city so his friend can attend football there catering for people with disabilities.
Very occasionally I will go with OH to be moral support to our friend. Last night I was surprised that there were some more of our friends there including a lady who OH told me his friend was "sort of seeing" the girl seemed lovely and I thought we all got on really well.
Once the girl left and OH had popped to the toilets his group of friends started comparing this girl unfavourly lookswise to his friends ex. Then one of them said "There is no way he would be with her if he could see what she looked like". There were some other jokes about our friend and the cancer "obviously" affecting his brain if that was the sort of girl he was dating. Ect.
I know it's really not my place or I should have said something at the time but our friend is such a lovely guy and has been through a lot and I feel awful knowing people say such unkind things about him behind his back. Should I talk to OH about this?

TheMerryWidow1 Tue 04-Apr-17 11:19:12

definitely, the poor man, nice friends!! And the poor girl too. About time they grew up!!

MrsJaniceBattersby Tue 04-Apr-17 11:24:15

his friends need to grow up
definitely don't repeat it

Madwomans Tue 04-Apr-17 11:31:57

Those were utterly disgusting things to say, both about your OH's visually-impaired friend, and his date. I assume you felt too intimidated or incredulous to say so at the time, and it's hard to know what can or should be done, now. On balance, I would tell your husband exactly what transpired so that, in case other things happen in future, he can tactfully suggest to his friend that his social group are vile.

Of course, your husband may not be surprised - it's possible they have form for this, although it's presumably significant they only said it when your DH was in the loo...?

At least, I hope that's significant. I would be horrified if my husband was a regular witness to a group of supposed friends making witless and cruel banter at the expense of a VI friend who sounds as if he's had a very tough time, let alone criticising a woman's looks.

OttoChocoLab Tue 04-Apr-17 11:33:09

I suppose his friends would put it down to 'banter' which personally, I usually think is fine among friends.

This group of 'lads' however, sound like a bunch of immature jerks.

Pineapplemilkshake Tue 04-Apr-17 11:37:03

I wouldn't repeat it - I personally take a dim view of people who repeat nasty things people have said (my MIL). I'd like to think I would have challenged them on it though- depends how brave I was feeling though!

Madwomans Tue 04-Apr-17 11:44:09

But the OP isn't randomly gossiping. If she were to repeat it, she would be making her DH aware, if he isn't already, that their group (I'm hesitating to call them friends) 'banter' consists of cruel jokes about his friend's disability and illness, and his new girlfriend's appearance, so that someone who cares about the VI man knows the score in case the behaviour continues/escalates.

If you were someone who had dealt with two occurrences of what sounds like a pretty aggressive cancer which left you with a life-changing disability, and were attempting to get on with life, sport, social life, dating -- would you want to know that your old school friends were making a laughing stock of you and your new girlfriend?

It's a horrible thing to even have to consider.

PinkHeart59156816 Tue 04-Apr-17 11:57:35

The only time I'd say something to my dh would be if he was joining in so I could tell him I though he was a dickhead!

What's the point in telling your oh what they said? Like he doesn't know. What's is he meant to do, tell them off? Take there beer away? Put them on the naughty step? Your oh is not responsible for what these other men say

QueenofallIsee Tue 04-Apr-17 12:00:46

I would tell your husband in the hope that he could make sure his friend isn't impacted by their attitude - as in, running interference if they should decide to marry and the groom thinks of asking one of the arseholes to be in the wedding, or considers entering into a commitment with one of them for some reason. Otherwise I would say nothing

Different scenario but I was there when a friends boyfriend said something derogatory about her. I made my feelings clear to him and his group and though i would never have told her what was said, I would never have encouraged her to take the next step with him for instance

Madwomans Tue 04-Apr-17 12:18:11

Your oh is not responsible for what these other men say

He's responsible if he's witnessing it and not challenging it. No one is suggesting he confiscates their beer, but are you honestly saying you would sit by and listen in silence while your friends joked about your mutual friend's brain damage and blindness because she's shagging a minger she wouldn't give the time of day to if she could see??? hmm

Honestly, do you sit by in silence because it's 'not your responsibility' if you're not actually the one saying it?

Is this that weird thing that comes up so often on here where the worst thing you can possibly do is appear to think you're better than other people? So you don't challenge other people behaving appallingly, because God forbid you might look like you thought you were superior for not finding cancer jokes funny?

FrenchFrys Tue 04-Apr-17 12:35:10

Thanks for the replies.
I wouldn't tell just to be spiteful and I 100% wouldn't tell the new girlfriend. It truly made me feel awful because our friend has been through something very traumatic and is trying to move on.
I don't think OH would join in. He is a very caring man and helped out our friends family as much as he could throughout the treatment. I think he would have said something if he were there.

HecateAntaia Tue 04-Apr-17 12:37:56

unkind things about him? they are unkind things about her more than him! she's the one who got ridiculed for her looks.

next time you could speak up and say actually, she seems very nice and isnt it a bit nasty to be sneering at her?

HecateAntaia Tue 04-Apr-17 12:39:58

what i mean is they were using his condition as their means of ridiculing this poor woman iyswim. it wasnt about him. it was about her.

it isnt ok that they used it. at all. but he wasnt their target.

they are shits btw. utter shits.

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