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AIBU?

to feel in an impossible position

120 replies

shelliecat · 04/04/2017 07:17

I feel that whatever I do will be wrong. Please don't just shout at me I must leave, it's never that simple.

My husband has always been a bit pig headed, his way or the highway sort of thing, once this didn't matter because I was a lot younger. But as we got married and had our own family I've come to realise I get no real say in anything, don't get to make any mportant decisions. But he says I do. For example when we moved here he decided we were moving because of his job. But then we looked at houses I liked this one he said 'well it's the top of our budget but if you like it' then he says 'well you decided to live here' but I didn't.

Anyway he's been talking about moving abroad since forever and I've always been reluctant. I really don't pick up on languages easily and plus I've spent most of my life feeling like the odd one out. Moved primary schools after year 1 moved secondary schools after year 9 then went to college for a year, dropped out, back to another college. Fitting in or feeling like I do is VERY important to me. I don't even like people commenting on how I speak as I feel like they're saying I'm not one of them. So going abroad with a different language and culture is a nightmare for me. He knows this.

So anyway he rang me a while back and announced he had an amazing surprise, came back with a bottle and said he had a new job, not abroad but 300 miles away. This is his compromise. We will stay in this country but move so far.

I have a job here and some friends I do love our house, we have pets (we'd be renting in the new place) I just went out and walked and walked and walked.

If he'd talked it over properly with me I'd be fine with it i think but all I can see is this future where he does what he wants and I get carted along with it regardless.

The problem is we have 2 very young children. I have no one to help. I find it difficult enough on days when I'm not at work as it is. No money. Even if we split everything I'd still be left without basic things. Lonely lonely empty life. To be honest if I think about leaving I feel like I'd rather die. I know that sounds extreme but I remember how my life was before I met him and how awful it was. I can never go back there. But I'd be going back with 2 young children. Worse.

But I feel like I'm just carted around blamed for stuff I did not do have anything I might do used against me.

I am in an impossible position. If I stay I am a posession if I leave I am miserable anyway.

I know there's nothing anyone can say. But I've no one I can talk to and I've been up since 4 with stuff running through my head.

OP posts:

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SantinoRice · 04/04/2017 07:21

Did you know he'd applied for a job 300 miles away?

What would happen if you just said "no, I'm not moving". Because that's what most people would do if they felt like you do.

shelliecat · 04/04/2017 07:23

I would be moving one way or the other. That would end the marriage. I couldn't stay in our house on my own it would have to go on the market.

OP posts:

KateDaniels2 · 04/04/2017 07:24

When you say you have always been reluctant, what do you mean?

Have you agreed, but not enthusiastically or actually told him you dont want to leave?

barkinginessex · 04/04/2017 07:25

He sounds awful, please consider leaving him and don't move 300 miles away just because he says so. You are allowed to say no.

GeekGoddess · 04/04/2017 07:30

What did you say when he 'told' you? I think you need to summon the courage to say no, you do not want to move. Surely he would listen a bit, even if he's upset?

StillDrivingMeBonkers · 04/04/2017 07:33

Does this wonderful new job of his cover your loss of salary and loss of pension accrual etc?

tomatoplantproject · 04/04/2017 07:36

You need to be able to make decisions about the direction of your own life. It doesn't sound like an equal partnership from what you have written.

What are the plus sides of being with him?

Would you be able to get another job if you moved? Would there be any advantages for you if you moved? Have you been to visit the area?

If you sold the house and got somewhere smaller locally could you manage on your own with the children?

SantinoRice · 04/04/2017 07:37

So if you were to say no, he would leave you & the kids? That's what you think would happen? I would call his bluff.

No, you wouldn't necessarily be able to keep the house. But he'd still be financially responsible for putting a roof over his kids' heads.

PurpleDaisies · 04/04/2017 07:38

In what way is this a partnership if one person just arbitrarily decides to move everyone 300 miles without even mentioning it as a possibility to the other?

StillDrivingMeBonkers · 04/04/2017 07:39

Being blunt - no way would I lose my financial independence for any man - you will be come financially dependent, isolated and - well my red flags are flying already.

Miniwookie · 04/04/2017 07:39

What would be so bad with life without him? You wouldn't be going back to how things were before you met him. You've moved on from there.

SantinoRice · 04/04/2017 07:39

Also you say if you leave (him) you'll be miserable anyway. No, you'd be making your own decisions & deciding your own fate. You only live once. If you just follow him around you're living his life instead of your own.

shelliecat · 04/04/2017 07:42

I guess I would be able to get another job but getting a part time one wouldn't be so easy. And nursery costs are higher. And I don't know, it's maybe not as big a deal as all that.

What would be so bad about life without him, no support, never able to have a minute to myself without children. Never able to get my hair done or go to church or the gym or for a walk without 'mummy mummy mummy.' Crippling loneliness. I've done it once and I can't even describe what its like, you start to not even feel real.

OP posts:

deloresclaiborne · 04/04/2017 07:47

i know i sound harsh but its time to get your big girl pants on and stand up for yourself , hes your husband not your parent. he does not call the shots, in a marriage you compromise but it sounds like your husband as got use to getting his own way and you going along with it.
tell him you dont want to move and if he still wants to take the job, then he can live down there in the week and come home at weekends.
also you are alot stronger than you think.
stand up for yourself, whats the worst that can happen he throws a strop
i was exactly like you 10 years ago until i was pushed to the edge and then i said no more..
you will feel so much better in yourself when you have told him and make sure you let him know you are serious and your not moving
he will probably be in shock that you have stood up for yourself, my dp was

shelliecat · 04/04/2017 07:47

no that isn't the worst thing that can happen actually

he will not back down

OP posts:

deloresclaiborne · 04/04/2017 07:56

what will happen if you refuse to move
will he put the house on the market?

HeteronormativeHaybales · 04/04/2017 07:57

He does sound overbearing, and obviously unreasonable to just announce things without discussion.

But tbh, you sound very, very negative - as if you've been unhappy and felt at odds with things all your life, before him as well as with him. I felt exhausted and hopeless just reading your post. Moving schools in year 1 and 9 isn't actually all that often, and you seem to believe people actively want to point you out as different. Your life was 'awful' before him and you're not happy with him. I do find myself wondering what an OP by your husband would read like.

Who is the main earner? Is the new job itself a sound proposition, economically and career-wise? If your dh carries the main responsibility for keeping the family, I do think it's only natural that he will be looking to develop his career.

I thnk you have somehow got stuck in a narrative of your life as a constant round of not fitting in - with 'fitting in' as the prized, elusive, ultimate goal (I can say it's not all it's cracked up to be, but doubt you'll believe me) - and you seem to attach a lot of significance to those childhood moves. I think you would benefit from some good counselling/therapy to try and work out what's going on.

GeekGoddess · 04/04/2017 08:01

Did you even have a conversation about it at the time op? It surely can't be as clear cut as 'he lays down the law, you jump, no discussion' if you feel you need him in your life? How did the conversation go, did you argue before you left? Did you verbally agree?

shelliecat · 04/04/2017 08:01

I guess it's not that uncommon but it's just that personally I always felt very unsettled at school. There was a lot of bullying and I always put this down to being the odd one out but maybe it was just me! But anyway I was just trying to explain why moving abroad always felt wrong to me, immersing yourself in a different culture is fine to a point but I don't know, having to say yes I am English every time you open your mouth can make you feel a bit of a stranger. I rarely think about not fitting in though so your last paragraph isn't accurate. But I included it here as it was relevant. I definitely dont want counselling and oh would never let me.

His job is the main one and its a good career move. But I wouldn't have been anti moving. I'm just anti it not even being discussed with me first. It's not that I'm not happy with him. I want to be happy with him. But he doesn't always make it easy.

OP posts:

Emeralda · 04/04/2017 08:02

What does 'I've done it once" mean - can you say more about that? I'm wondering if there was something about life before you met DH that makes you scared to go back to that but I could be wrong.
What age are the DCs? Does he help with them?
It sounds like you fear not coping on your own. What would help you feel that you can cope better, so you don't feel pulled along by his decisions?

GeekGoddess · 04/04/2017 08:03

"dh would never let me". Op you are an adult with your own mind. He doesn't get to "let" you do anything.

Kitsandkids · 04/04/2017 08:04

Your children won't always be so young and demanding. They will grow up and become more independent, going out with friends etc. It is only in the short term that life would be so tough as a single parent. I'm not saying you should leave him if you don't want to, but one partner shouldn't be able to decide to move the family 300 miles away without even a discussion.

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deloresclaiborne · 04/04/2017 08:04

so its not the move thats bothering you its him not discussing it with you
have i got that right

bagpusss · 04/04/2017 08:04

"I think you would benefit from some good counselling/therapy to try and work out what's going on."
^This.

endofthelinefinally · 04/04/2017 08:05

He sounds very controlling.
It is unkind and disrespectful to just announce that the family will move 300 miles away with no discussion.
You are in a very unequal relationship.

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