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Sorry folks. Another MIL one.

(41 Posts)
imisschocolate Mon 03-Apr-17 14:48:18

MIL has accused us of being selfish when it comes to spending time with DD. (7 weeks old)

This stems from the fact that we do not want to spend one day every weekend with her as DH wants to have time just the 3 of us as he works full time so weekends are important to him. Also if she comes round in the evening during the week I refuse to keep her awake if she is ready to go to sleep. She normally will have a visit of at least and hour before DD goes to sleep.

The longest she has gone without seeing DD is 9 days. At 7 weeks old i don't think this is unreasonable. Especially given the fact that my DM will see DD a lot less as we do not live in same town.

An issue also seems to be that we won't let her take DD on a walk on her own. We're not comfortable with this yet. (Is very much a yet as we have no intention of not letting her see DD alone when we and more importantly DD are ready)

AWBU to not want to spend one day every weekend with MIL? How often do other GPs spend with 2 month old grandkids?

gunsandbanjos Mon 03-Apr-17 14:50:56

There's no way I'd be committing one day every week to MiL, seeing her grandchild is not a right.

And who in their right mind wants a young baby kept awake when they're ready to sleep!

WhooooAmI24601 Mon 03-Apr-17 14:51:53

It doesn't matter what other families do; it matters what your family wants to do. If you don't want to spend time with her every weekend, you don't have to. Set out your stall and let your DH explain that, actually, he'd like some time with his own unit at weekends. He's her son, he should do the talking.

I'm close to my MIL and she's fabulous. But occasionally when DS2 was tiny she overstepped the mark. Being firm and saying "nope, that doesn't work for me" left her with no option but to accept it. We get on much better as a consequence because I don't resent her and she accepts that I'm in charge when it comes to the DCs.

TheElephantofSurprise Mon 03-Apr-17 14:53:32

Stamp on it right now. You are not being unreasonable. She had her baby or babies, and the current one is yours.

DesignedForLife Mon 03-Apr-17 14:53:50

Good grief she sounds like hard work. Of course YANBU, every weekend is a lot, it's up to you to work out what you are happy with.

redshoeblueshoe Mon 03-Apr-17 14:54:48

My gc is a bit older than yours but I don't see her every week. Stick to whatever routines suit you. I've no idea why she'd want to take your baby out. I prefer to sit and have a cuddle

MrsTerryPratchett Mon 03-Apr-17 15:01:03

My MIL is dead and my DM lives 5000 miles away so once a year is how much we see them. Less in the case of FIL.

If you set up an expectation of twice a week (one w/e and one weeknight) you will very quickly get sick of it and be unable to get your boundaries back without a fight. Best to set up good boundaries from the start.

TotalPineapple Mon 03-Apr-17 15:01:10

YANBU. Tell her you're allowed to be be as 'selfish' as you want - it's your DC, your family. Babies are not toys or accessories to be paraded around and played with by all and sundry. The amount of contact you're happy with is the correct amount.

I'll never understand why GPs think moaning and name calling will get them more time with GCs, the way to more time with GCs is to be supportive of the parents while following their lead.

My stock phrases are 'get your own', and 'every time you annoy/upset me you are reducing the likelihood of more time'.

Oh, and none of this applies to my MIL, my MIL is bloody lovely and actually the only person I trust alone with my 6 month old other than me and DP. And we probably do see her every weekend, the one time she expressed disappointment that DD was asleep when she popped by there was no question of her being woken up.

KayTee87 Mon 03-Apr-17 15:01:24

Yanbu. As for taking a tiny baby out away from its parents, I've no idea why anyone wants to do this when the parents aren't comfortable with it. My 8mo son has still hardly been away from me and we're all perfectly happy with this arrangement.

2014newme Mon 03-Apr-17 15:02:28

It doesn't matter if she thinks you are selfish. Water off a ducks back. 💦

ThePiglet59 Mon 03-Apr-17 15:04:26

It's up to you and your husband how often you have visitors and for how long.
The fact that your mother sees you less frequently isn't relevant however.

Will you keep your MIL away just because your mother lives farther away?

That would just be odd.

DJBaggySmalls Mon 03-Apr-17 15:06:48

Family time is important and other people should butt out. Support your DH in this one. I expect new parents to be very defensive over the baby, their wishes come first. Making it about me would be ridiculous.

BaggyCheeks Mon 03-Apr-17 15:08:11

YANBU. I can't fathom the obsession some people have with separating tiny babies from their parents. I wouldn't be agreeing to set visitation, like it was some sort of bloody child access arrangement, as it will only lead to resentment down the line. If she wants a good relationship with her grandchild, it will come from the child growing up seeing that the grandparent is someone that their parents are relaxed around, and have a happy relationship with.

7 weeks old is no age. No age at all. Stick to your guns/follow your instincts.

brassbrass Mon 03-Apr-17 15:13:11

She's just very very excited....

Having said that you've started really well so carry on as you mean to go on. Don't fall out with her just keep politely saying 'we're so sorry that doesn't work for us, it's just not possible' without getting drawn into justifying why it's not possible.

ohfourfoxache Mon 03-Apr-17 15:16:54

Stick to your guns. There is absolutely no reason for her to take such a young baby out on her own- sounds like she just wants to play mother.

I know it can be hard being a grandparent- my own mum sees ds and dnephew regularly and tells us that it's like having her own dc and that there is the same unconditional love there. But grandparents are not parents and so they need to make sure not to step on parents' toes.

She's had her turn- now, it's yours.

PerspicaciaTick Mon 03-Apr-17 15:20:59

She sounds very keen (and annoying) and is getting ahead of herself. However, it does sound as though (from her PoV) all her ideas and suggestions are being rejected - so she just keeps coming up with more and more ideas.
Is there any scope for working with her? Maybe taking DD out for a walk together, letting her push the pram and you taking a step back to see how she copes? Can she bathe your DD (with you helping/keeping an eye on things) before you settle her at bedtime? Little steps to build your trust but let her know that you are open to ideas as DD gets older.

brassbrass Mon 03-Apr-17 15:23:15

the other thing is some GPs do see a lot of their DGC but that's because they already have an easy and friendly relationship with the parents presumably established and nurtured prior to the babies coming along.

So new parents gravitate naturally to their company rather than feeling duty bound or guilt tripped into it which isn't fun for anyone.

TheHuntingOfTheSarky Mon 03-Apr-17 15:23:57

Crikey what is it with people? No way is it reasonable for her to expect you to devote one day a week to her! She is your child, not hers, and there is no written rule for GPs visitation rights.

It's not like a 2 month old is really doing anything but eating and sleeping anyway. She'd be better advised to follow your wishes now so she's still allowed to spend time with your DD when she's a bit older.

I've always been a bit envious of friends who have family living close by - bigger support network, babysitting etc - but honestly threads like this make me think again!

diddl Mon 03-Apr-17 15:26:44

I offered for my ILs to visit once a week-in the week to see the kids.

But they only wanted to visit at the weekend when husband would be there for the whole visit.

One in sat or sun in three was the most he was willing to give them!

7wks & wanting to take baby out alone? Hahahahahahaha!

My parents used to visit once a week.

No GPs took the kid(s) without us as they came to see us as well.

annandale Mon 03-Apr-17 15:26:48

But it's not a test situation, presumably - it's not that you think she can't cope, you just don't want to let go of a baby who is seven weeks old. This is hardly unusual or weird.

YANBU. Don't let it get to you. 'Oh really' 'Mmm' 'Give us a few months, I'm sure it'll all come out in the wash' or other meaningless burble, then change the subject. You're clear what you want - stick to it.

TheDevilMadeMeDoIt Mon 03-Apr-17 15:32:15

You need to start as you mean to go on. She sounds like she could be one of those grandmothers who as DD gets older she'll be able to coo over her and tell you that 'DD loves Grandma more than Mummy'.
And the taking her out for a walk - so that other people will admire DD and she wants to feel the reflected glory? Or maybe she's secretly hoping that people will assume that she's the baby's mother, and then she'll give a tinkly laugh and say 'oh no, I'm her grandmother' and wait for the other person to gasp 'but you don't look old enough'. Or maybe she even would, if she could get away with it, tell people she IS DD's mother.

Batshit ideas like these are the only ones I can think of for wanting the walk.

rumblingDMexploitingbstds Mon 03-Apr-17 15:33:29

Of course YANBU. Your dd is not a toy or a time share, no one is entitled to a 'turn' and certainly she shouldn't get her sleep disturbed just to gratify an adult who seems a bit too excited to be thinking clearly!

Be very careful of getting guilted into a pattern or habit such as one day a weekend, as that can get set in stone and then cause major hurt feelings, dramas and wanting other days in compensation if someone has a cold/doesn't feel like it/ has an appointment/ you go on holiday/ child has a party to go to etc. Someone calling you names (selfish) doesn't mean you're doing anything wrong, you can always smile and say a little healthy selfishness is a good thing sometimes.

PerspicaciaTick Mon 03-Apr-17 15:36:02

Maybe she wants to take baby for a walk because taking babies for a walk in the spring sunshine is enjoyable? And lots of new parents quite enjoy a 30min break to have a shower, a nap or a cup of tea while DGP goes to the postbox and back - although not the OP, obviously, although it doesn't sound like the MiL has worked that out yet.

BeyondThePage Mon 03-Apr-17 15:39:30

Some grandmas like to walk the kids round to show them off - to their friends, to the people they love - the people that as a mum you would never meet or invite round to your house. They just want to show off.

I see that as a nice thing, a good thing - they want the people in their lives to see the new addition to their family, they are family right?

highinthesky Mon 03-Apr-17 15:43:16

MIL is obviously crazy about her DGD (my own mum was the same).There are worse problems to have in life.

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