Re friend and my baby(64 Posts)
I'm not sure if I'm being overly precious about this but I'm finding it really hurtful and unkind.
My long-standing friend and godmother to DS1 basically goes out of her way not to say a single nice thing about my DS2, even when it's actually quite difficult/socially odd not to.
She has a DD of a similar age and we have a whats app group of friends with babies. She gushes over the others when they say anything about their little ones/send pics but will either not comment or make some sarcy remark when I send a pic (which I hardly ever do) She is the same in person.
I just find it quite hurtful that even if she doesn't find my DS cute or whatever, can't she just be polite?! I am actually dreading our next meet up as am already anticipating her reaction.
AIBU to find this upsetting?
OMG. Are you me from my past.
I had 'friends' and I use that term very loosely. Who would bill and coo at each others dcs. Show an interest ask questions. I'd talk about my dd and for some reason. They'd change the subject. They'd all go out in their little clique, and be deliberately talking about it. When I was there. Oh BTW spider. We couldn't get in touch with you to bring little Spider.
Funny they could get in contact though when they needed something
God only knows what took me so long to wake up and smell the coffee. I think though you always know, but. You think its in your imagination at first, don't you. .
But in the end I thought. No fuck you. I'd rather have no 'friends' than shit friends.
As friends. They were about as useful as a used condom.
Anyway a few months later I bumped into of my 'wonderful friend's aunties.
Who said. Oh our ..........doesn't half miss you and little spider. They all do. Why don't you go down. I said , well They should have treated us as good as they do each other and each other's kids.
Yeah I've thought about asking but once it's out there you can't take it back can you...I don't want to cause a massive issue but equally it's making me not want to see her anymore.
I also don't want her to start saying nice things just because I've told her to?! Ugh.
Thanks for your reply spider, sounds like you were better off without that horrible lot!
Never a truer word spoken. I've never looked back. Thanks Nanny.
If it's making you not even want to see her anymore, then you've got nothing to lose?
Sounds bizarre. She has a dd same age too?
Could she be a bit jealous? Does her baby have health issues that yours doesn't? Do more people comment on pics of your kid than hers? Is she struggling with pnd possibly?
( those questions aren't in order of importance btw)
I think there are people who actually withhold compliments about someone. They are the sorts of people who have low self esteem.
Is your child pretty or clever, OP?
The person may be envious of you and your child for some reason.
OP I don't think YABU.
However, I don't know anything about you at all so I'm not suggesting that this is what has happened, but my friends and I have one friend who we slightly do this to (although not to the same extent that you describe).
The reason is that she's incredibly PFB. To a ridiculous extent. There are constant (and I mean constant) of her DD on FB and Instagram. She tags these pictures with a hashtag of her daughter's name (and a number of other ridiculously indulgent hashtags). Say her DD is in a cute outfit. She will post 10 pictures of her in this outfit - in slightly different poses - but they're essentially the same picture with the hashtag #jacintamay #jacintamaysnewdress (not her DD's real name, but close enough to give you an idea!!)
Any in-person conversation is monopolised by her DD. How cute she is. How clever she is. But she talks about her slightly as though she is a designer handbag or an accessory, not an actual human being. She also makes slightly disparaging comparisons with other people's children. For instance, two friends had their own babies. One had a girl, one had a boy. She comments 'i'm so glad you got a girl!! They are the best by SUCH a long way!!' in front of the friend who has had a boy (before launching into a speech about how wonderful her girl is).
So, we have all started to ignore her constant in-person and social media activity. Not liking her posts on FB and Instagram. Changing the subject when another 'isn't my DD cute!' conversation starts.
I'm not suggesting that this is what you are doing but can you think of any reason your friend might be behaving like this? Could you have made a comment at any point that has upset her?
I really don't think she's jealous, her DD is gorgeous (as she is always saying 🙄) DS2 is possibly not quite as adorable looking as DS1 (yet!) but even if she think that, I think it's just so mean not to be polite and say something nice.
Oh god pigface, I would ignore that type of behaviour too but that's SO not me (don't even use facebook or instagram!)
Funnily enough it's a bit what this friend in question is like, albeit to a lesser degree. She never stops talking about how adorable her DD is, which I actually find a little strange.
Nanny I reckon you have your answer right there then. For some reason she sees your DS2 as stealing the limelight from her and her DD!
Sounds like jealously. Ignore, don't engage, try not to expect things from her when you post etc.
I would suspect that there is some sort of jealousy going on here. I bet deep, deep down she wanted a boy. Or her DP did. So she over compensates with all the gushing over her DD. A weird mix of jealousy, guilt and mean spiritedness. I would give her a wide berth from now on. Your ds doesn't need people like this in his life.
Thanks everyone. I think perhaps she has been jealous of other aspects of my life, and of DS1 maybe...but I do find it hard to believe that jealousy is to blame here as, objectively speaking, her DD is beautiful and while DS is an adorable happy smiley baby, he's probably not as cute as her DD.
I kind of think she just doesn't find him as cute as DS1/the other babies and is refusing to say something she doesn't mean...Who knows, it's all just so odd. I do wonder whether the others have noticed, but again not sure I want to make an issue my raising it with any of them...
I also think she may have wanted a boy and is over compensating by talking about her dd non stop. You now have two boys and if it is because she wanted a boy, she could be jealous as hell. If you do talk to her, my advice would be kid gloves and be kind. I know she isn't being very kind. But there's got to be a reason.
Could she possibly be struggling to conceive a second child?
Is it because you asked her to be godmother to DS1 and not DS2? Is she upset about that for some reason and is then taking out on you/your second child?
Thanks for all the suggestions 😊 But no, she isn't struggling to conceive no 2 (they're too young for that!), she was desperate for a girl...and she hasn't asked me to be godmother to her DD so I can't see that she's be upset about that.
I just don't know whether to broach it with her/let her know it hasn't gone unnoticed or just leave it?
Its the above or is she a brutally honest person?
Some people cannot stop themselves before they express themselves. She genuinely may not find your DS2 cute and my prefer just to say it how it is but its only her opinion. Brutally honest people often get stuck between dilemma of saying something honest or nothing at all.
Being brutally honest doesnt always mean a person is being nasty because they genuinely believe being honest is the right thing to do and they are in some way helping and sometimes they can be incapable of lying convincingly but it can become an issue when people enjoy the brutality more than the honesty.
My friend is always saying how cute her little one is I dont see it so much but then I never really thought my own were that cute at that stage either.When I do say anything I only have nice things to say and I'm polite but I don't blatantly say they're gorgeous either because I'd be lying if I said that.
Maybe she had in her head you'd have a girl and they'd be besties and play together into the sunset..... or perhaps she thinks your ds isn't cute.
I think the most likely scenario is she doesn't think he's that cute, but it feels very unkind (and obvious!) to gush about other babies then just give a sarcy remark about DS. I often think little babies aren't all that cute but always say they are gorgeous as there's no benefit to anyone in saying otherwise
I suppose she can be quite blunt but she is also very sensitive herself so i know she would notice and be upset by this if the tables were turned
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.