AIBU with my DH and his DS?(54 Posts)
Ok. I'm over 6 months pregnant and very hormonal at the mo so just wanted to see if others can see where I'm coming from or people gonna boo me out.....
My DH has a 14 yo son who normally just stays with us the weekends. Last week however moved in with us for a month because his mother is buying a new house but the house is not yet ready so she asked he stays with us. Which is fine but the mother keeps complaining how he doesn't listen to her and shouts back etc so she let's him go out as often as he wants wherever he wants so he's out the way (she also has 2 other little ones)
Last Saturday like normally he wants to go out with his friends and we do take him although the place is at least a half hour drive. So I took him and said to him be ready by 6 so his dad can pick him up to get back for half 6 for dinner. He goes ok. However when his dad went to pick him up he txt him that he's not ready yet and doesn't want to come home yet. His dad told him he had to but he keeps pushing his dad lately until he just gives up so he can do whatever he wants. So a friend's dad ended up bringing him home after.
So I know he will ask me again to drop him off this Saturday so I decided to play the same game. I'm gonna tell him yes at first then later tell him I changed my mind and won't be taking him (because he changed his mind about coming home at the discussed time last minute last week!)
My question is, AIBU or should I be more easy going? We also have a 2 yo so I have to think of him too and not just run around after the 14 yo all the time because he now has a social life! I tried reasoning with him when he's not behaving like he should be on other occasions but he says sorry and ending up doing what he wants anyway! So this is sort of trying to teach him a lesson. But his dad is easy going on him so didn't tell him about my plan in case he tells me I'm a lunatic and just tell him no the first instance. I thought if I play his game he might not do this to us the next time? Wanted to see if others agree or think I'm evil??
Sorry, but that would be wrong. You're the grown up here. Behave like one.
However, it wouldn't be unreasonable to say that you are not willing to take him because he broke your agreement last week.
Personally I think you risk it backfiring with dh. . You will be the bad guy and dss smelling of roses. If dh doesn't mind being a (mug)taxi, then leave him to it. . Don't offer the lift at all. If he is old enough to be out unsupervised he is old enough to get the bus.
YABU, you sound like a teenager yourself!
I wouldn't go there tbh it will cause a world of upset. It should have been felt with last week by sAying you so t going out again if you can't stick to the arrangement.
I would take him but say if you don't come home on time you won't be going next week and stick to that.
What was he doing with his friends? I'll set a time to be home/picked up with DS2 and ask that he gets in touch with me in good time if that needs to change. It's a bit rotten to insist they come home at 6.00 pm prompt if they're watching a film and he's going to miss the last 20 minutes.
You've got a month to work on mutual respect and good communication.
There is a third alternative: behave like an adult. Your plan is not evil so much as very, very immature.
Surely your dh can tell a 14yo off without needing his partner to start playing teenage games?
You do need to accept that your dh has a child who is just as important as your child together. This child is now a teen, so part of your dh's life needs to be about making sure he has a teenager's normal social life. As you will both be doing for your children when they get to that age. No child is more or less important than any other.
Of course this needs to be in a teaching context: your dss needs to learn to be considerate and take other people's convenience into account. But he will learn that better from adults behaving in an adult fashion.
You seem to resent yourself and dh having to spend half an hour on doing something for your dss. Do you really not expect that your dh will be spending half an hour here and there on the new baby?Teenagers need adult input too: they just need it in different ways.
Playing him at his own game is likely to backfire not least because a 14 year old thinks like a 14 year old and just won't "get it", and also needs clear boundaries which are enforced, rather than game-playing.
I'm all for saying, in advance, either you won't take him because he didn't stick to the agreed pick up time last time and caused his friend's dad inconvenience by having to bring him home, or else that you will take him but on the strict understanding that the pick up time is adhered to and if it isn't he won't be taken again.
His dad gives up at the end and doesn't go through all the explaining and/or discipline when necessary.
I want DSS to be honest with us and not to play games! We always take him everywhere so it's not like we say no to him often.
He goes to play football with his friends and they are out 4-6 hrs at a time.
I have to take him because DH takes our DS to swimming at the same time so if I wasn't to take him then no one would.
Feels like it won't matter what I say or do i'll be the bad one either way. I'm just worried if he doesn't learn certain things at this age where will we be when he's 16, 17??
Oh and the trips are half hour each way so if we drop him off then go get him but he won't come home, most times we would have to go and pick him up again. So that's not half hour taking from the rest of the family's time....
You are sounding like the child here. He is being a typical teenager.
Give him money for a bag of chips and a drink, and let him get on with it, pick him up from his mates house. This isn't a real battle, but you could turn this into a war.
Explain to him your trusting him so don't let you down, any probs use his phone.
You're fed up with him 'playing games' but you think it's a good idea to play a game on him? As others have said. Act like a grown up.
Can't you just have a talk with him and explain that whilst you're quite happy to drop him off and pick him up from friends, he needs to understand the time implications, especially if it's a wasted journey.
If you're being reasonable with him in explaining, it should be easy for him to be reasonable in return.
Alternatively, you could always buy him a bike.
Your show is a twat. And your dsis actually showed far more self control than I would by just ignoring him. It's more than he deserves I would have chinned the fucker, even if it was "in his own home" for the way he treats her dn&ns and sister.
It sounds like they really want to be there for you and maintain a relationship with you and the dcs, but just can't abide his behaviour - and rightly so.
Would you do that to your own child? I wouldn't, nor a stepchild.
Sounds you're unable to discipline him any other way so you've resorted to this.
Give him money for his bus fare and leave him to it, he's fourteen, not six.
Give him enough money for some food and then tell him to phone when he's ready to be picked up. Who wants a 6 pm deadline? You can give him times you can't pick up (I would have those in text form, ie in writing so he can't argue with it) and remind him it takes half an hour to get there.
Welcome to the reality of living with a teen!
Don't string him along then let him down, that's cruel and he's only 14! That's quite a hostile thing to do. Let his dad discipline him about this. It's his job not yours
YABU as he isn't your child to parent, but no way would I drive one of my own to a play date let alone someone else's if he can't get a bus or his parents can't take him, he wouldn't be going, especially if he'd messed me about.
Let his Dad sort it out but don't play games with him.
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