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AIBU?

To want to know what happened

193 replies

BigGrannyPants · 02/04/2017 22:41

Just over 2 years ago I got married. I asked my very close friend to be my bridesmaid, she cried we hugged, it was lovely. She came dress shopping with me etc etc... about 3 months before the wedding she told me not to put her down for the meal I reminded her that she was a bridesmaid and was she not doing that anymore. She said she was but was worried in case she wasn't feeling well that day and we paid for a meal that wasn't used, she said she would go home after the wedding and come back in the evening.. she doesn't keep well for various reasons but I've never known it to stop her from doing anything she wants to do. It felt like an excuse.. from that day on she stopped responding to texts, ignoring phone calls, I was worried and tried to make contact with her DH in case something had happened. He didn't respond either.. so she completely ignored me for 3 months. I took from that she wouldn't be at the wedding, as she didn't have her bridesmaid dress etc etc then on the morning of the wedding, she texts me saying 'what time?' I replied telling her what time and resisted the urge to jump down her throat..

Then she never showed up! She has completely ignored me ever since and I have no idea what happened or why she has fallen out with me.

I have tried very hard to let it go and let her go but I can't get over not knowing what happened, I feel like I have been punished for nothing.

I should add I was in no way bridezilla. I started planning my wedding and 3 months later got married, I was very laid back about the whole thing so it's definitely nothing like that.

But I really am struggling to let it go almost 2 and a half years later, which is ridiculous I know but I can't help it. Today I found myself ready to chap her door and just see what happened but I bottled it and partially thought better of it as I know I need to get a grip. I just want to know why AIBU?

OP posts:

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Liskee · 02/04/2017 22:45

YANBU! I want to know what happened! Go ask her and keep us updated.

In all seriousness though that's very strange behaviour and someone who let you down like that isn't someone you need in your life. You may want to know what happened, but I hope you don't want her back as a friend.

ineedamoreadultieradult · 02/04/2017 22:45

I would guess a mental health problem on behalf of your friend.

inspiredbutohsotired · 02/04/2017 22:45

YANBU I'd be desperate to know. It would always be at the back of my mind!

Happyandhungry · 02/04/2017 22:46

Sounds like she wasn't a friend at all and you're well rid. Move on.

ChasedByBees · 02/04/2017 22:47

That does sound weird! Whatever it is is about her and not you though as that was in no way a normal way to deal with something

Endlessmusings · 02/04/2017 22:47

I don't think you need to get a grip.

What was the point in texting you asking what time when she seemingly had no intention of showing up?

I'd either ask her to her face .. or send a text/email. I'd try and remain calm because if you're angry then you might not get the answers you need.

Do you have any mutual friends?

MrsTerryPratchett · 02/04/2017 22:47

she doesn't keep well for various reasons Are those reasons MH issues? Because my guess would be that something serious was going on for her and she has since been either too ill or too embarrassed to talk to you.

TooSmittle · 02/04/2017 22:49

I agree, she doesn't sound very well mentally. Anxiety? Self esteem issues?

You're completely reasonable to want to know what happened but I would bet it wasn't about you at all. I would imagine the shame about what happened has kept her away all this time.

mumontherun14 · 02/04/2017 22:49

Could you maybe write her a letter and pop it through her door and ask to meet? It sounds all a bit odd - like she's fallen out with you about something but you don't know what it is. Maybe jsut say that to her and say that if you knew what was up you would like to talk to her about it as you have been good friends. Weddings can bring out the best/worst in people and can be a stressful time. A similar thing happened to my sister when 2 of the bridesmaids fell out with her on her wedding day and have since completely cut her out of their lives. It is now coming up on a year anniversary of the hen night, wedding etc and I know she is finding it hard but there is no going back for any of them now. Hope it works out better for you x

BonnyScotland · 02/04/2017 22:55

I would stay the as far away from this one as possible.... this is not rational behaviour ... this was not kind or fair on the build up too.. or on your actual wedding day..

this woman does not deserve your attention or time.. even if she was unwell... a moments discretionary explanation would have been appropriate and never need be discussed again.... instead she stuck to big fat fingers up at you and left you high and dry... but not down and out.. on your precious Wedding Day....

Do not let this women or her actions consume your mind... Walk Away x

BigGrannyPants · 02/04/2017 23:21

Thanks for this, I'm glad I'm not completely mad for wanting to know.. to pick up on a few things..

Endless we do have mutual friends but I have tried very hard not to involve them, after all I don't want them to feel uncomfortable or as if they have to choose. I did speak briefly to one of our friends at the time who claimed to know nothing about it and it wasn't fair for me to push that any further, there is every possibility she really knew nothing!

None of her issues were MH, she had illness that meant she could be very tired, sore, sick etc but as I say it never stopped her doing anything she wanted to do

I don't feel angry towards her at all, just sad and a bit lost. That's not to say if I ever found out what had happened, I might get angry. I passed her house today in the car and actually parked, trying to work up the bottle to go to her door, but two things happened.. my bottle crashed and I had a bit of an internal battle, why should I even speak to her, give her a chance to explain, after all as far as I am concerned we went from very close friends to nothing within a short time.

I have messaged her on social media infrequently with never a response but I genuinely believe she hasn't used her social media accounts in a long time so very possibly hasn't seen them. I have sent her birthday/anniversary cards etc

Forgot to mention in between my wedding and now I had DCs 2&3 (twins) and wrote to her to tell her but never received a response.

OP posts:

snoopyokay · 02/04/2017 23:21

I would also want to know but seems like you have left it a long time to find out. Maybe a letter or email but she probably wouldn't reply so you would have to do it face to face!

redshoeblueshoe · 02/04/2017 23:23

My first thought was MH problems, and I'm so very grateful to my DSis's friends who have stuck by her. I know sometimes she is difficult - to put it mildly. But they have stuck by her. Tread carefully

Rubies12345 · 02/04/2017 23:25

Wait, so you've never heard from her since?! What about mutual friends?

Sounds like anxiety stopped her, just like when a child can't go on in a school play. Maybe she's been too embarrassed to face you

BigGrannyPants · 02/04/2017 23:31

Rubies even after numerous attempts to contact her and birthday cards sent etc? My first thoughts when she didn't come was hat something happened and I was worried about her but through mutual friends and acquaintances I know she has been living life as normal.

I hold no grudge at all, I really just want to know what happened.

We are beyond ever being friends again, but I don't dislike her or feel angry about the wedding, I had an amazing day.

Me and DH were talking about what we'd do if we won lots of money on the lottery... I told DH I'd still like to see my old friend alright as I know she has struggled financially her whole life and he just looked at me like I was an idiot after all that's gone on.

OP posts:

NeonGod73 · 02/04/2017 23:31

Don't you think she got jealous because you were getting married? You didn't say whether she was/got married or not....
If you send her a msg on FB, even if she doesn't use FB (which I doubt) she would still get the msg in her e-mail.

BigGrannyPants · 02/04/2017 23:35

Neon she is already married with 4 children, married before I even met her. She really isn't the jealous type, she was a very generous big hearted woman who would go out her way to help whenever she could.

Partly why this is so hard to take.

My friends and family have always said to forget her and move on as friends don't treat each other this way.. which is true... but easier said than done.

I wish I could just get the courage to speak to her face to face, I would need to just show up as I don't think she would agree to meet me, but in saying all that, does that not tell me everything I need to know?

OP posts:

WyfOfBathe · 02/04/2017 23:57

But they have stuck by her. Tread carefully
What more do you want OP to do? She has tried to speak to her friend several times, to no response.

YANBU for wanting to know what happened OP, but I think you should probably leave it and let her get back in touch if she wants.

GotToGetMyFingerOut · 03/04/2017 00:01

She has four kids? Were they invited to the wedding? Is she the type to be offended if they weren't and decide it's all or no one?

redshoeblueshoe · 03/04/2017 00:02

WyOf I don't want her to do anything and I agree with you that OP should back off. And for all I know her DF might just be a total bitch

BigGrannyPants · 03/04/2017 00:11

Finger they were all invited, all 6 of them at the expense of other guests too

OP posts:

JonesyAndTheSalad · 03/04/2017 00:30

Someone might have said something about you. I'd be thinking she'd snogged my husband or something too!

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BigGrannyPants · 03/04/2017 00:41

Jonesy you're right what other explanation is there other than someone has told her something and she has believed it... but there is nothing...

If someone told me something about her I'd of spoken to her about it, not just believed whoever/whatever it was.

I think that has made it hard as well, that I haven't even been given the chance to defend myself against whatever it is!

OP posts:

AntiHop · 03/04/2017 00:45

I would need to know too. That sounds really tough.

LauderSyme · 03/04/2017 00:59

I had a very close friend who completely disappeared from my life from one day to the next without any explanation. I was frantic for months thinking something awful had befallen her, and although I eventually found out that she was fine, it took several years to discover what had actually happened.
Apparently I had said something which she found mortally offensive but she said nothing at the time and I had no idea I'd upset her so much.
YANBU to want to know why. I feel for you OP, it's horrible being left in limbo like that and is quite cowardly and cruel behaviour from someone who is supposed to be a friend.

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