AIBU Mother in law issues(29 Posts)
So I'll try to keep this brief. Recently found out I'm pregnant with baby no 4 and was at first scared to tell hubby, as he did not want any more children. I have told him now and even though we are both still shocked ( I have been on the pill for the last 15 months so didn't expect this), we are happy but both of us agree this is going to be stretch for us financially as hubby is the only one of us working. So, mil lives in another country and called DH earlier to say she is coming for a visit and also bringing DH's 11 year old niece. Not a problem we haven't seen them for over 2 years and it would be nice for them to see the kids in person and not just on Skype. An hour later fil calls and says to hubby make sure you look after your mum and niece while they are at yours, as in financially. They are paying for the plane tickets, but they want us to pay for everything else while they're here. Aibu to be really upset and angry with hubby for just agreeing to this without even discussing it with me, especially as money is very tight right now and we have baby no 4 on the way? So his niece really wants to visit Legoland, go into London, do all the sightseeing. His mum wants to visit Scotland ffs! All at our cost! I actually think my DH has lost his mind to just blindly agree to all of this. Not to mention all the food and shopping we will need as they are staying for 2 weeks. This comes after DH and I had an argument a few months ago after fil called and asked for £500 as he felt like going on a cruise. We are not in any major debt at the moment but both of us do have a little on our credit cards. We certainly can't afford a holiday for someone else when we haven't even been on one ourselves for the last few years
Why is this an aibu about you mil? Your follow is the one who said about the looking after them, your dh is the one who agreed to it.
Instant your dh phones back and says they are welcome but you won't be able to afford anything but meals and general hospitality.
Family or not that's taking the piss. .
Sorry should of mentioned, mil actually told fil to call and clear with DH that we were to pay. There's been ongoing issues with her and money since we got married. She seems to think because we live in England, we must be minted.
I agree this is a FIL and DH problem, what has poor MIL done?
I would just offer general hospitality too. Any extras they want are on them. Your FIL doesn't get to demand extras (particularly not after his previous form. Did he get the £500?)
Cross post. So what does DH say about this now? Was he put on the spot and regretting it or is he fine with paying for everyone (with money that is both yours?)
Best case scenario, he phones back and says this isn't possible, so you need him onside.
She most definitely is not a poor mil. You can guarantee if fil ask for something , the order comes from her. He does t do anything without her approval. So I know, basically she wants to have a nice holiday and not have to pay for it, and she's just asking fil to ask us so it seems like it's coming from him as she knows my DH finds it hard to say no to his dad.
It's your husband, not mil. If they usually ask and your husband says yes they are probably under the impression it's not a big deal for your family. Do they have any idea about living costs in the UK? Does your dh like to give the impression that he can pay because that means he's successful in his Dads eyes?
What about your niece's parents? Are they just assuming you will pay?
You have a DH problem. Not even being abroad is enough to cut the strings with his parents.
You need him to ring up.User14 is expecting again - we must save for the baby so MIL and DN must pay for expensive trips etc as we cannot afford to goto Scotland or for weekends in London. And get him to rinse and repeat.
Huldra I think you may have a point. I think the fact that hubby has given them money in the past whenever they have asked (which has been quite a few times) has made me resent them, especially mil, when really it's hubby who is always giving it with question. I recently found out that DH has actually given a lot more than I realised after I checked our joint account and it was down a considerable amount. They do seem to ask a lot though. Common sense should tell them we have a mortgage, hubby is the only one working, we have 3 children, another on the way.
Hubby actually just said, they're my parents and I don't see them and this is the only way I feel I can help them and be there for them
What a bonkers situation. I can only imagine what the response would be from any of my family if I announced that I wanted them to pay for a 2 week holiday abroad for me and my niece.
Your problem is with your DH. He should have said no straight away. Or at the very, very least he should have told them he needed to discuss it with you. Although that just makes it seem like you're the bad guy, so he should ideally have said no himself. Does he think it's fair to pay for them? Or is he just unable to say no, even though he knows it's crazy? You need to absolutely insist that he calls FIL and MAIL, and tells them BOTH that you are not in a position to pay for a 2 week holiday. You'd love to have them visit, but they need to pay for it themselves as you do not have the cash to do so.
Tell hubby off. Buy a saver ticket to Scotland that takes her 4 days to get there. Use Tesco vouchers for Lego land. job done.
Depending on how long they intend to stay and where you live, I think I'd put together a nice but cheap programme of activities. Days at the beach, days walking with a picnic, a cinema visit (using the two for one thing), country parks and maybe one 'big trip'. I'd explain legoland was too expensive and queuing for two rides in a day wasn't worth doing.
London can be done quite cheaply if you don't need to stay over. Go off peak with a travel card. Do free things - Hamleys, Harrods, South bank, Hyde park play area, Buckingham Palace, St Paul's cathedral whispering gallery, the science museum and natural history museum.
Tiredcluelessmummy DH has made me feel like the bad guy just for bringing this up with him. He shut me down pretty quick and said, well this is my parents and my money so I can do what I like with it. Even though it's our joint money from our saving from when I was working
You have to pay to go into St Paul's Whispering Gallery. It's quite a lot.
OP: Grrrrr at the 'my money' thing.
However. Your DH doesn't see his Dm and family very often. Like it or not keeping in touch with families in different countries costs money. Your MIL coming here saves you the air fares for the whole of your family going there.
It's 2 weeks. Just find fun but cheap things to do and take a picnic.
You definitely have a dh problem.
Not saying it's the right thing to do but I would open another bank account and move my money into that
I'm not saying your DH is right - I think your pils are very wrong for asking and expecting things. But I live overseas from my parents and it changes the dynamic of things. He prob feels guilty as he's unlikely to see them often and you have to remember they raised him. He prob feels like he is caught between everyone. Perhaps have a chat with him and come to some compromise. Consider also that probably these feelings of wanting to help his family out might be qualities you admire if he also applies them to your family. I'm not saying agree to what he wants but perhaps have some empathy for him that it sounds like he is caught between two worlds.
You are going to have a big issue on your hands if u allow this to happen. As there will be more trips! Looking after mil whilst she's visiting (ie food) is fair enough but to fund Nieces holiday and pay for everything else is taking the piss frankly! And there is no this is 'my' money! It's your family's money and u should both have a say on how it's spent.
Where are the parents of the niece in all this? Are they also spongers who expect your family to pay? They need to be spoken to as well.
This will be an ongoing saga. If you pay for them, they will expect it again next year, and the year after that
Which country r they from Op? Could this be a cultural thing? I've seen this happen in a lot of Asian cultures too. Sometimes people invite themselves over for months and expect to be taken out and everything paid for.
I think you should phone fil yourself and explain that you are not rich as they seem to think and can't afford to cover this holiday. Your DH will be embarrassed to refuse his parents but you need to say something to protect your savings for your new baby. DH and his parents won't like it but your DH should have discussed it with you first before agreeing.
Your DH needs to think about why he is prepared to see his wife and dc go short in favour of his parents. What kind of man does that to his family?
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