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AIBU?

Birthday dilema

29 replies

mumontherun14 · 02/04/2017 22:17

My Dsis has stopped getting me and my DH birthday gifts for the past 2 years. Fair enough I thought as she doesn't have kids and always got gifts for my 2 kids. I still got her and her DH birthday cards and gifts and made a fuss on their bday. My mum is ill so I overcompensate a bit for that and like to do what my mum would have done and I know that is my own choice. However this year she didn't get anything for my DD such as a card or a gift even though she came along to her party. My DD didn't really notice at the time but I was a wee bit surprised as she usually always remembered the kids and she did get something for my DS on his bday. Now its her husbands birthday next week, She has mentioned a few times about it to me today when they were at mine for dinner and talked about us (ie me) getting a birthday cake for the restuarant when we are out for a meal next week (not something we usually do for the adults). I would normally always get my BIL a card and a voucher. Do I go ahead as normal or do I mention at all my DD's birthday. DD is 10 and they are pretty close which is why I am a wee bit surprised she has forgotten. I know she will defeintly get gifts for my 2 nieces in a months time and that will grate on me a bit. She did say to me at the time that she had a gift for DD but it has never appeared. She is a bit touchy about things my sis so I don't want to make a big deal of things but also feel things should be fair for the kids and cousins. I have posted about this before when she didn't acknowledge my DH's bday and the consencus on here was that adult birthdays weren't always recognised which I accept but now that it is my DD's I don't know if I should say something or not. I am thinking it is hard to broach things with her and we think differently about things and there are only the 2 of us (5 years age difference) so I would like to be closer. Am I being petty -is this even worth mentioning in a subtle way or do I just carry on as normal if my DD hasn't really noticed?

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Wishiwasmoiradingle2017 · 02/04/2017 22:21

Call me a bitch but I would be forgetting her dh's birthday. .
Bloody awful that she forgot your dd's birthday but she expects you to make effort for a grown man!!

228agreenend · 02/04/2017 22:22

If she said she had something, maybe she left it at home by accident when she came to the party. She may bring it to the birthday meal.

I would get a present for BIL this year, and then wait until next year to see what happens.

Fishface77 · 02/04/2017 22:23

Erm don't bother!
Rude cow.
IMO you don't forget kids birthdays and remember adults!

Crowdblundering · 02/04/2017 22:23

Hmm :/ I have a similar problem.

My DSIS always sends a list for her DH bday whereas my OH is always away with work for his so she doesn't bother.

Really pisses me off.

Happyandhungry · 02/04/2017 22:24

"Forget" his birthday, promise the gift later and say "ah its just like my DC waiting for their gift, how funny are we both forgetting!" She'll soon realise but won't be offended if you keep it lighthearted.

mumontherun14 · 02/04/2017 22:27

DD's birthday was in Feb, I have seen her about 5 times since then so she has had lots of chances to bring a gift over - she told me at the time she had been shopping for it. She was actually off work for a few weeks too so could have easilly dropped it off. I know what I am like and I will feel bad next week to go to the restaurant with nothing for BIL.

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WeAllHaveWings · 02/04/2017 22:27

Really strange she never got anything if they are close and also she was at her party . I would get her dh something as normal and see how the rest of this years birthdays go. If she doesn't get anything for ds or dd's next birthday then cards/fb happy birthdays only for them going forward.

mumontherun14 · 02/04/2017 22:31

I asked her to help me the night of the party as my DH's gran had recently passed away suddenly so he and his mum were not feeling too great for helping at the party. She turned up half an hour late (despite me asking her to come early to help us set up) leaving me and one friend with 20 odd kids and once there spent most of the night on her phone. And no card or gift. Last week I asked her to DD's dance show and bought her ticket etc and again she turned up half an hour late after stopping off for dinner and missed DD's dance. DD adores her but I just feel a bit like she is a bit flaky and I can't depend on her.

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MillionToOneChances · 02/04/2017 22:37

She was actually off work for a few weeks too so could have easilly dropped it off.

Why was she off work? Illness? Stress?

mumontherun14 · 02/04/2017 22:41

In between leaving one job and starting another. She had been on holiday too for a week to see her inlaws. It was her DH's nephews birthday and they had gone out for tea with him and she had got him a gift and then was a bit annoyed they hadn't been invited to his party....

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228agreenend · 02/04/2017 22:56

That's different then. I presumed the party was recent, and the meal was the first time you saw her since.

HeddaGarbled · 02/04/2017 22:57

Absolutely, do not organise a cake for your BIL. Don't get him a token either. You've agreed not to do presents for the adults so stick to that.

I can see how the presents to nieces but not to your daughter rankles but I would recommend that you let it go. If you never expect anything then you won't be disappointed and if something does arrive, it will be a pleasant surprise.

The thing that you do need to keep an eye on is if she buys a present for your son every year but not your daughter. Your daughter will notice and be hurt so if that happens you will have to tell her that you won't be accepting presents for your son unless your daughter is treated equally.

Otherwise, I just wouldn't make an issue out of it. It's really not worth the bad feeling.

But don't be a doormat. No presents, no cake, no fuss, unless it's reciprocated.

Calvinlookingforhobbs · 02/04/2017 23:03

Is money tight for her? Is she likely to have kids? I think you need to have a discussion with her and agree what you guys do for birthdays. I've done this will all wider family and generally agree that we do cards and small gifts at birthdays but only gifts for close family at Christmas. It might feel awkward but it's the easiest way of resolving this, and you did mention that you were close. Good luck

mumontherun14 · 02/04/2017 23:05

Thanks for the replies. I think I will get him a small token gift sweets or wine and a card but no voucher or cake. He is such a nice easygoing guy I know he won't bother. She can sort out a cake if she wants to.

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Auspiciouspanda · 02/04/2017 23:13

But as you've already discussed the cake, you need to tell her you aren't getting one.

mumontherun14 · 02/04/2017 23:13

Money is not tight for her at all. I think they defeintly do want to have kids and I know when hopefully that happens she will understand better why you have to treat them all the same in a family or it is a bit unfair and the kids do start to notice. She has not had an easy time this year so I tend to go easy on her and defeintly don't want a bad atmosphere between us but at times I feel she can act very entitled/spoiled and I don't know how to deal with it as any time I try and confront her about anything it doesn't go well and I feel that she stores it up and worries over it.

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mumontherun14 · 02/04/2017 23:16

The discussion was "We'll need to get a cake for XX's birthday for the restaurant next week" - and a pointed look at me. I just said "Oh well you can sort that out then..." and laughed it off.

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StayAChild · 02/04/2017 23:28

It does seem odd, her saying she was going shopping for a gift for DD. People are odd though. Maybe she intended to then it got past the date so she thought she wouldn't bother?
I would get BIL a card and small token gift such as a nice grown up Easter egg, then wait to see what happens with birthdays next year.

ChocolateSherberts2017 · 03/04/2017 01:39

Slowly scale back the gifts for your sister & bil, the previous poster's idea of an Easter egg is a good one. I'm not one to advocate tit for tat but I think this is more about managing your expectations. My sil's do not bother with my dc so I in turn limit visits & gifts. I do buy them gifts but don't spend ££ on them as they very rarely reciprocate. I'm not bothered for myself but feel sorry for my kids as they their aunts do not spend time with them at all.

RaeSkywalker · 03/04/2017 06:18

I'm glad you're getting him something. I'd see how the rest of the birthdays go this year before deciding what to do. If she ignores the Birthdays of all of your immediate family, I would talk to her to clarify that no gifts will be exchanged at all now.

Sounds like you have bigger issues with her than just gifts though.

MimiSunshine · 03/04/2017 06:36

The thing that stands out for me is you saying you over compensate with her for your ill mother.

It sounds like she's taken on a position of you are a "parental type" so you buy her presents but she doesn't have to spend money on you. In the way that parents buy for their kids at Christmas but nothing is expected back.

Especially as it seems she was looking for you to buy the birthday cake. Surely no one expects their sister to buy their husbands cake?

To be honest if this is the first birthday on her side this year I'd just get a card and say that as they've decided to stop all family birthday presents then you've decided to follow suit followed by something like. We dont need gifts do we? It's much nicer for us to all to get together.

mumontherun14 · 03/04/2017 09:29

I think that's probably a bit true. This month I have bought her lunch out (she had to rush back to work) dinner out ( she had got cheap show tickets and I got the dinner which wasn't cheap) and tickets for the dance show ( no mention of paying for them) which is around £75 and me and DH are not well off and work hard. I don't think I've spent that on either of the DC this month. So it does grate with me a bit that not even a card or small gift for DD.

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MimiSunshine · 03/04/2017 13:58

Definitely stop then. She's unlikely to be deliberately trying to get as much out of you as possible but dies seem to just expect you to pick up the bill.

It's probably something you've always done as your the eldest but it's a new year (sort of, can we still say that in April?) and she set the tone with the lack of present for your DD so you just follow suit now and stop buying for her / them

ChocolateSherberts2017 · 05/04/2017 19:52

Buy your own tickets for future shows etc and just send her the link to the box office so she can buy her own. You'll soon learn whether she attends because she actually wants to or because she's used to getting freebies.

MuncheysMummy · 05/04/2017 20:21

Get him a card NOTHNG ELSE! It's NOT up to you to get him a birthday cake even if the whole gift issue wasn't there anyway!

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