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Who is BU? DH or Dsis?

(169 Posts)
TheBrilloPad Sun 02-Apr-17 21:21:18

Will try and keep it brief but I'm useless at that. DH & I have been married 4 years and throughout our marriage we argue about the same thing; his drinking, staying out all night, spending money put aside for rent & bills, and more recently his cocaine use. In the past year or so I have started speaking out more about this with my family - taking the kids and moving in with family etc to get away from him.

A few weeks ago he did it again- went out, drunk too much, spent too much, was horrible when he got in. After this, my sister (I'll call her A) text him, along the lines of "I have never got involved in this before, but I have had enough, my sister and those kids deserve better than some scum who snorts cocaine off toilets, I just want rid of you now etc etc".

DH just replied "I'm not discussing this with you, you know nothing about me".

DH moved back home this week (I have my own reasons for not LTB, a 1yr old & a 2yr old and he is a wonderful father). And today my sister (A) plus another sister (B) came over - the first time they have seen him since our argument. Both walked in and immediately acknowledged me and the kids, scooping them up in hugs etc, and didn't even acknowledge or make eye contact with DH. DH said he said hello to them both, and A ignored him - I didn't hear him say anything. Then he said "Hi B, how are you, what have you been up to?" and she answered him and they spoke normally. DD dragged A upstairs to play, and then when A left about 45 minutes later, DH was outside. So A did not speak to or acknowledge DH at all. Apart from the general "hello" DH said that he said to both of them when they walked in, he didn't try and speak to her.

He has been ranting all evening since she left "The fucking cheek of her, ignoring me in my own home, if that ever happens again I'm warning you, you better have words with her" etc etc etc. He is outraged that she could ignore him in his own home.

I think it's six of one, half a dozen of the other, and he didn't try and speak to her directly like he did to B (although in fairness, A is stubborn, and there is a chance she would have ignored him even if he spoke to her directly, but I don't know this for sure). DH wants to me speak to her and say she's not welcome in our house if she's going to ignore him.

Who is BU here? I'm protective of A because she was only trying to stick up for me, but I don't know if this is blinding me to her faults/rudeness. Should I tell her that if she ignores DH in our home again, she isn't welcome?

LurpakIstheOnlyButter Sun 02-Apr-17 21:26:10

She is looking out for you and the kids. He is wrong, he needs to sort himself out. YABU, you need to deal with this.

petalsandstars Sun 02-Apr-17 21:27:32

He's not a wonderful father if he drinks excessively, uses illegal drugs and spends your childrens security (money for household bills) on his habits. Your DSis is protective of you and you should hold onto her. Don't let your 'D'H come between you or drive her away. You will need her the next time he's abusive no doubt.

ImperialBlether Sun 02-Apr-17 21:27:50

his drinking, staying out all night, spending money put aside for rent & bills, and more recently his cocaine use

Can you tell us, bearing the above in mind, why he's a wonderful father?

Twopeapods Sun 02-Apr-17 21:27:57

I'm sorry, but if you were my sister, I would be doing everything I could be to convince you to LTB. She is angry because of his bad behaviour. He isn't behaving the way he should be with a family to look after. What do you think of his behaviour? You say you don't want to LTB but you are moving in with family when he acts like an idiot? That's not good for them getting moved about.
I can honestly say that I would be worse than your sister. I would not respect him at all either.

Peppapogstillonaloop Sun 02-Apr-17 21:29:11

He is not a wonderful father if he is spending your family money on drink drugs and all nighters. Your sister sounds like she has the right idea about him tbh

Babbaganush Sun 02-Apr-17 21:29:20

I really don't know how to respond! There is so much wrong with this situation, a wonderful father DOES NOT stay out all night drinking, spending family money and taking cocaine!!!!

Crowdblundering Sun 02-Apr-17 21:29:28

He does not sound like a wonderful father confused

TheStoic Sun 02-Apr-17 21:30:12

You have extremely low standards. That's one thing for yourself, but for your kids?

At least your sister is standing up for them.

cafenoirbiscuit Sun 02-Apr-17 21:31:05

What a difficult situation for you. The decision to stay with your DH is yours and yours alone, and while your DSis is clearly protective of you and your DCs it's not for her to add fuel to the fire.
Having said that, your DH sounds like he's behaving like a bit of a twat. Can he really be a wonderful father with behaviour like this?
Judgement call for you.

Tiptoethr0ughthetulips Sun 02-Apr-17 21:31:07

Your husband is a toss pot, your sister has your best interests at heart. You will eventually see this and hopefully LTB.

happypoobum Sun 02-Apr-17 21:31:15

YABU - he is a cokehead using bastard. He is not a wonderful father.

What is wrong with you that you tolerate all this shit?

KatharinaRosalie Sun 02-Apr-17 21:31:28

Who is BU here?

It seems to be you, to be honest - how is he wonderful?

Guitargirl Sun 02-Apr-17 21:31:31

Your husband is behaving in an absolutely vile manner. The fact that you call him a 'wonderful father' beggars belief. Your family have shown remarkable restraint IMO. I would kick his sorry arse out until he can show that he's got his shit together.

SpreadYourHappiness Sun 02-Apr-17 21:34:06

He is NOT a wonderful father. Wonderful fathers don't overdrink, take drugs or spend family money.

You need to LTB for the safety of yourself and the children, and you know it.

Your sister is NBU.

Creatureofthenight Sun 02-Apr-17 21:34:14

If I was your sister ignoring him would be the polite choice , I'd have been biting my tongue the whole time to avoid giving him a piece of my mind.
For goodness sake he is not a wonderful father for reasons PPs have pointed out.

Sweets101 Sun 02-Apr-17 21:35:05

*You have extremely low standards. That's one thing for yourself, but for your kids?
At least your sister is standing up for them.*
This ^^ a hundred times over. He is not a wonderful father, you're acting like a fool.

Universitychallenging Sun 02-Apr-17 21:35:47

He's not a wonderful father

Wheelerdeeler Sun 02-Apr-17 21:38:19

Your issue is why are you staying with him???? He is not a wonderful father. He is a part time father. When the drink and drugs arent taking priority.

Your sister will be your ally. Mind her.

Bluntness100 Sun 02-Apr-17 21:38:31

Ffs, the cheek of her? Is he having a laugh? The cheek of him more like, doing drugs, spending rent money, staying out all night when he has a wife, two young kids and responsibilities? Her cheek pales into insignificance in light of his.

And it's your home too.

I'm really not sure how you can say a man who does these things is a wonderful father. We clearly have very differing views on what a wonderful father is. I much prefer the kind who provides, comes home and doesn't do drugs as a very minimum. hmm.

MrsTerryPratchett Sun 02-Apr-17 21:39:27

I worked in a rehab for a while. Addicts generally aren't 'wonderful' parents. Even the ones that are semi-functional parents tend to be moody, self-absorbed and emotionally unavailable. Which impacts children.

Can I suggest Al-Anon or some counselling to address your feelings. And thank your sister; she's a good one.

EweAreHere Sun 02-Apr-17 21:41:05

He's not a wonderful father. Wonderful fathers do not behave the way you have described your DH. He is jeopardizing your children's future by drinking to excess and taking illegal drugs: he could end up in prison or OD; he could have social services called on him and the children might be placed in care if they feel he's jeopardizing their safety by being in his care.

Your sisters are right. You would be well rid of him. Is he the type of male role model you really want your children to be like or to fall for when they're older?

CashelGirl Sun 02-Apr-17 21:42:42

Why should she be nice to him? You can't expect to cry on her shoulder one minute and then be his friend the next. Either find another source of support and don't involve your family in your relationship problems, or tell him to work harder at earning your sisters respect. Neither of you seem to care about him having any respect for you, good for her on not letting him treat her so badly.

HeddaGarbled Sun 02-Apr-17 21:43:27

Your H is more than unreasonable - he's horrible.

Your sister has your back and should be treasured.

I would strongly advise you to get the 1 & 2 year old out of this situation while they are still young enough not to be seriously fucked up.

TestingTestingWonTooFree Sun 02-Apr-17 21:43:28

Yup, he's not remotely wonderful.

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