To not want to see DF's kids ever again?!

[Glutenfreediddleydee]

Bit of background: DD is 3.5 (DS is 4MO). DD is very anxious and quite particular about things. She loves to engage with adults/ older kids and hold conversations/ have imaginary play/ etc. But I'm aware of her needing to socialise with her own age group too.

BUT, after today's play date I just need to vent! I really think my DF is taking the p**s. Several play dates with her and her C1 (4) and C2 (2) a Tazmanian devil of a child have been endured recently, and after each one I get more and more angry and vow never to do it again!

Tell me if IABU, but as soon as they get in the front door, the kids are straight into DD's little playroom and start ransacking the place. I'm no neat freak, but this takes 'mess' to a whole new level! C2's idea of play is to get any basket/ bag/ tin/ receptacle of any kind and immediately empty the contents onto the floor regardless of whether breakable or not. C1 (permanently snotty) is not much better. And of course any breakages break DD's little heart, in fact so does the mess which we spend hours putting back together after they've gone.

Today DF asked to come round for a 'coffee and catch-up' which sounded appealing and it was lovely weather, so I vowed to keep them all contained in the garden in order to have said catch up and for the kids to play in the garden. This was instantly shattered when C1 came straight through the garden and into the house to do her usual.

C2 had done a poo in her nappy and when I pointed this out. DF preceded to take her pooey nappy off and leave her pooey bottom out, so I supplied some wipes and a clean nappy but she said she'd keep her nappy off coz her bum looked sore. Low and behold the wee came all over some toys which DF had gone inside to get with her (despite the door being closed and me asking for us all to stay outside), but instead of putting the nappy on, DF waited until wee no.2 occurred.

DD was poorly yest, so I told DF after an hour or so that we'd like to get DD fed and in bed early (hint hint). DF then asked if she could help herself to another cup of tea - clearly content that her DCs were entertained and she was well watered.

DS (who incidentally is DF's godson, who she completely ignored) was getting tired so they finally got the hint and left. Leaving us shattered, annoyed and in a complete mess with two knackered and hungry kids (one still quite a new baby).

DF is totally different when she doesn't have the LOs-in-tow, she's lovely and thoughtful, and great with DS. It's such a shame but I just feel I can't have them round coz it's too upsetting for DD (and me!) ☹️ argghhhhhhh!!

[StealthPolarBear]

Weeing on the toys is grim (obv not the child's fault) and am I right in thinking she left her wandwring about with a pooey bottom ? But it does sound like you get quite stressed about this sort if stuff in general and your dd does too. I could be wrong. And I woukd have hated it!

[OwlinaTree]

Meet them in the park or soft play.
Go to their house.
Lock the playroom door.

[gamerchick]

I have a bolt on the outside of the playroom door for just such occasions. Thankfully I don't get other people's kids in much anymore but I remember the trashing of the house well. A quick flick and a 'no playroom today' seems to send a message out to parents.

If you're going to be accommodating with toys and plenty tea it's going to keep happening. Maybe keep a box of toys ready to grab and put in the living room to play with while locking the rest away might help your stress levels if you don't want to say anything.

Work on being assertive about the nappies.

[CanaryFish]

Meet them at a park or soft play if you want to meet up.
It'll get easier as they get older

[ElspethFlashman]

You don't let your un-toilet trained child walk around without a nappy on in someone else's house. FFS.

That is rank.

[Funnyonion17]

You do sound a bit judgey about the snotty nose. However who leaves a bare bummed baby with shit on their arse to run wild and piss all-over?!

You need to arrange new few play dates at hers, or soft play, maybe park etc.

[Sittinginthesun]

I have a friend with dcs just like this. Our dcs were great friend as toddlers, but by the age of 4ish, their eldest would run into our house, and destroy ds1's room.

We arranged play dates away from the house, but eventually the dcs' friendship fizzled out, and now we simply meet up as grownups.

I'm sure she thinks I am uptight and over precious, but we clearly have different parenting styles.

[Bringmewineandcake]

I hear you! My DD (4.4) sounds the same as yours and I subjected her to 2 years of my friend and her 2 boys coming over and wrecking / kicking / mess making. I've recently started saying no to them coming here - more than happy to meet them out/go to theirs. Not once has my friend agreed to meet me out of the house with them, clearly I am a soft touch and she liked letting them go wild in my house to save her own!
You definitely have to start saying no to the play dates at your house. If nothing else then it shows your DD that her feelings are just as important as anyone else's.

[MrsTerryPratchett]

DD is very anxious and quite particular about things.

C2 (2) a Tazmanian devil of a child

I think she WBU.

But I do note that you are sympathetic to your own child's innate character (anxious) whilst being pejorative and labeling her child's (Tasmanian devil). DD has ADHD and I have noticed mothers of slow-approach, anxious children doing this. All children come with their own unique strengths and challenges. We try to work with them and maybe she was doing a terrible job of it but try not to make the mistake of thinking your child is 'good' and hers 'bad'.

[TessTube]

The playroom stuff is pretty standard TBH I'd just move any toys out and away and leave some stuff that is fine to be played with.

The pooey bum stuff is a bit rank, other people's houses aren't the best place to give your kids bum an airing or at least leave them outside.

When you've got four such little kids in your house mess is quite inevitable

Next time she suggests meeting up I'd say oh we've been in a lot lately let's take some snacks down the park or softplay and meet there.

[Lulabell1979]

I have similar with certain people, my sister being one. She doesn't allow any toys out in her house so when my nephew comes round he turns into a lunatic so excited by all the toys and everything is everywhere. I have now cut down being so accommodating and if such people do come round i move certain things into another room so they can't be damaged / less mess.

The bottom is gross though!

[SingingSilver]

Ugh. Stop having them round to our house. Either invite yourself to hers, or meet somewhere neutral.

And she honestly left shit on her child's bum? No wonder she has a rash...

[Obsidian77]

I read it that she did not leave shit on her child's bum, she wiped it up and let the child run round without a nappy for a while.

[springflowers11]

I thought the bare bum was in the garden? And no wonder her bum is sore if it is left with poo on

[Maryhadalittlelambstew]

I also noticed your language changes when you talk about your own children and your friends children. Of course we all think the sun shines out of our own kids backside but "break her little heart" compared to "Tasmanian devil" and "always snotty nosed" is just a bit mean. You clearly like your friend just not her children! Which isn't a crime but aside from the poo/wee incident they aren't actually doing anything that different from other children, emptying toys and being excited about playing with other kids toys is normal. I would meet up somewhere other than your home so they aren't as likely to get on your nerves because it isn't really fair on the kids. Your DF is responsible for the wee/poo and the snotty nose. If you're going to be annoyed with anyone it should be her.

[MrsJayy]

This friendship with this woman and her kids isnt going to work imo you have different parenting boundry and this is going to drive you nuts, go out to soft play and meet your friend as your friend in the evening.

[MamaHanji]

Yes yabu.

If you don't like children that aren't your own (that's how it sounds) don't have them round.

Nappy free time is not something to be done round someone else's house, but with 2 kids, surely you're used to a bit of piss? And why would a 2 year old think 'ooh this looks breakable. Let's play with it really carefully'.

And children do make a mess. Other people's toys are always way more exciting which is why they enjoy getting them all out and seeing everything!

[TiredCluelessMummy]

I definitely wouldn't be having them round anymore. It sounds hellish. Your friend seems really disrespectful of your home.

Totally agree with previous posters that meeting up at soft play or the park is the way forward. I imagine your friend will push for play dates at your house still (because she gets to let her children run wild, free of charge, and doesn't have to clean up afterwards) so you will need to be assertive.

[Serialweightwatcher]

Your friend needs to be controlling them more and not allowing your child's things to be ruined - you definitely need to lock that door, but I'd prefer they stay away in future and find somewhere else for them to meet up ... you need to tell friend if she asks to come round again and say it is too stressful for you and your dd until they are a little older and can understand what they can and can't do when she explains that to them of course

[BonnyScotland]

let's be honest...... nobody likes other people's children..... I don't blame OP for venting.. nobody boundaries and child rearing skills are the same as our own...

[Thirtyrock39]

God I remember those days so clearly, esp when had a newborn and friends of older kids would come over I even had a secret league table of friends that were good company (kept eye on their own kids, washed up snack things while I was feeding the baby etc) to really infuriating (kids trashed the place, told my kids off and on one occasion walked dog poo all through my house while I had already tried to cancel as my kids were all ill!)

[wheresthel1ght]

I wouldn't be having playdates at your house anymore! Parks, soft play etc are your new best friends.

However, I will say the following

1. the kids aren't the issue you friend is
   
2. she is not your friend. she is using you to entertain her kids while she gets to lounge about ignoring them
   
3. you are just as much to blame because you keep letting her come round

[TabascoToastie]

And why would a 2 year old think 'ooh this looks breakable. Let's play with it really carefully'.
Yes, that's why two-year-olds need these little things called "parenting" and "supervision."

[HeteronormativeHaybales]

YANBU about the nappy/wee thing. YABU about the playroom/mess. It's rather par for the course and I'm not sure it's doing your dd any favours to not equip her with a degree of ability to cope with mess and visiting children playing with her stuff. After all, it won't be that long before her brother - who may well not be as particular about things as her - will be using the playroom and into everything too. Perhaps suggest she moves any particularly precious possessions into her room/out of the way before they come, and decides which toys she's happy for them to play with.

I do wonder a little about your role in her attitude to mess - 'spending hours putting things back together' is an odd turn of phrase to use re tidying up toys. I wonder if you identify with and support her particularness a bit too much?

Rude of your friend not to offer to help tidy up before they leave, though.

[yaela123]

DF = Dear father???

She?