To think his mother is toxic and want to do something about it? (longish story)

[SuziePink]

Apologies for the length of this.

DP (37, I'm 29) has AS and ADHD and lives with his DM and stepdad. Together for 2 years, found out I was pregnant in early Jan. When I told DP we were a bit shocked but after some discussions I told him I was not willing/able/whatever to have an abortion because I knew I would regret it. He seemed to accept this but was having problems so I said he needed to talk to his DM and stepdad. Next time I saw him he said he'd told them and they thought I should have an abortion... so much for being supportive.

Less than a week later his DM has phoned my parents, who she'd never met let alone had their phone number, and arranged to meet them to discuss 'concerns'. Then DP sends me message saying he is 'unable to function in a relationship' which is news to me after being in a happy one for 2 years. My parents then receive a letter from his DM cancelling the meeting and explaining that I should have an abortion because my child will have 'severe autism' despite there being absolutely no scientific backing for this as well as the fact my DP does not have severe autism. My parents still want to meet. During the meeting she is in full theatrics saying how dependent my DP is on her (she's made him that way, nothing to do with AS or ADHD), how he's like a 'little boy', that sometimes she wishes he'd 'never been born', how it's cruel to bring a disabled child into the world as well as saying if I have the child it will 'kill [her]' etc etc... Does not listen to what my parents or I have to say at all.

A couple of weeks later he agrees to meet me then sends me an email at the last minute cancelling. I go round there anyway. His DM tells me I bully and manipulate DP, physically tries to push me away from him despite knowing I'm pregnant and then calls 999. However, police are very sympathetic to me and tell DP basically to stop ignoring me and be a man. Me and DP have a good conversation and agree to meet a couple of days later. However, by that time DM has got to him and convinced him that there's no point speaking to me and he must have a friend present because I'm such a bully. Unsurprisingly, we get nowhere.

Since then (about 6 weeks ago) I've barely heard from him and not seen him. His DM gives him money so he doesn't need to work, makes appointments with his GP etc, and basically controls his life as well as deciding for him that he cannot cope in a relationship and that he's 'incapable' of being a father to our child. I think he'd make a lovely father whether we're in a relationship or not. I've tried to ask members of family who I know for help but she's got wind of this and told him to tell me to stop (I can tell when he's merely repeating what she's said). All I want, and I've told him and his DM and stepdad, is a father for my child and for them to know their family. I have not asked for money or anything else from them.

I've since read Susan Forward's Toxic parents and am convinced she's a controlling toxic parent. AIBU to think this and AIBU to want to do something about it before she completely ruins his life by severing ties with me and what will probably be his only child? Oh yeah... she's an accredited counsellor.

I should probably mention I've been signed off from work with stress from mid-Feb to end of this month and have been seeing a counsellor myself.

[Maryhadalittlelambstew]

Oh gosh. What a difficult situation. I don't have a lot of advice I'm afraid but it sounds as though he really needs to grow up and his mum doesn't want him to. I hate to say this but it doesn't sound like he wants to be with you or involved in any part of your life including his unborn child. Its pathetic and he should pay maintenance at the very least. I would keep your distance from him and his parents as the whole situation sounds pretty unstable and dangerous for you to be in but keep them updated from a distance if you want to. If your parents are good and supportive keep close to them and turn to them for emotional and physical support. Your partners mum sounds pretty toxic, I would keep as far away from her as possible.

I also think you probably need to respect your DP's wishes by not going round there if he didn't want you to. I wouldn't like to be hounded by someone banging on my door when I had told them I didn't want to see them. It sucks that he doesn't want to be part of your or your babys life but you can't force him to be a dad.

Sorry, not the best advice and a bit mixed up but I wish you the best possible outcome x

[RandomMess]

He's been infantilised hasn't he.

I'd back right off - do you really want his mother involved in your DC life?

[ohfourfoxache]

I'm so sorry but I think you need to completely walk away from him and his family. He sounds like a spineless cunt

[Whocansay]

He clearly doesn't want the baby and is getting his mummy to fight his battles for him. Big man....

There's nothing you can do but walk away. You can't make him into a decent human being. You have to accept that you will be a single parent to this baby.

[ExplodedCloud]

Don't fight for any scenario in which she has any part in your family life. Sorry that you'vyou've been let down but she sounds awful and not the granny your baby needs!

[emmyrose2000]

Good lord. This woman is batshit crazy and Toxic with a capital T.

Run! Run like the wind from this nutter and her overgrown baby boy. He is NEVER going to man up and be a father to this child.

For your child's sake and your own (future) mental health cut off ties now. Things will not get better. They'll only get worse. Do you really want to be dealing with the stress and hassle of that when you've got a real child (as opposed to a man child) to deal with?

[Aeroflotgirl]

She has completely infantisised him.why the hell do you need parents involved, your both grown adults ffs! She is the one who sounds the bully. You have two choices, have an abortion or have the baby, and raise it alone. I would completely walk away from him.

[SuziePink]

The thing is I don't think he wants to walk away. What contact I've had from him he's been very clear that he has no negative feelings towards me and he's obviously pretty unhappy with the situation, he's not been doing any of his usual stuff at all. Despite his DM he's a very kind and caring person and I can't believe that he doesn't want anything to do with me based on communications since then. He even agreed to see a relationship counsellor with me when I last saw him although I think his DM has since talked him out of it or made it difficult for him to make a decision.

Giving up feels like giving in to her. I've kept my distance recently, not been back to the house at all, and only sent him updates occasionally.

@RandonMess I have no intention of letting his DM anywhere near my child. Ever.

@Maryhadalittlelambstew it's not that he didn't want to see me, or even doesn't want to see me. His DM has convinced him that I'm toxic and therefore he shouldn't see me. A small point in all this but I think the main thing is, again, that he doesn't feel able to do what he wants.

[RyanStartedTheFire]

People calling him a 'spineless cunt' etc, remember you don't know this man or how much his AS impacts on his life. If he's living at home at almost 40, it would probably suggest that he is pretty dependent and may not have the capability to deal with this situation. It's not as straightforward as it would be if there were not AS/ADHD involved.

[WobblyLegs5]

There is nothing you can do. And although she has no way of knowing your child will have severe autism having one parent with asd & adhd gives around a 30% chance of the child having it, and a less than 30%chance but higher than average likely hood of having any or other developmental disorders

[SuziePink]

@Aeroflotgirl yes she is the bully which is made worse by his Asperger's and low self esteem, which she has been working on for a number of years.

When his last relationship broke up he was depressed for 5 years.

[Aeroflotgirl]

Look with her around, it's going to be extremely difficult. Sorry i would walk, you need someone who is going to support you and have your back, not run back to mummy.

[SuziePink]

@WobblyLegs5 please can you quote where you got these figures from?

[Aeroflotgirl]

If he wants a relationship with you, he's got to prove himself, this is not looking good.

[SuziePink]

I think I need to say that he didn't want her involved. He went to her for support as I suggested and she has decided to interfere. There is no 'running back to mummy'.

[Softkitty2]

Keep your child if you wish but wash your hands off this family.. You said it yourself his dm is toxic and enables him, he is a mummys boy

[WobblyLegs5]

Every NHS asd & adhd psych I've had, so pressumabley that the figure NHS go on. If you go to adult adhd uk website you will find it on the research page also as the mods there often link the research.

[Aeroflotgirl]

If he is to have a relationship with you, he needs to distance he myself from her, and totally move away from her. I don't think he's going to do that.

[Whywonttheyletmeusemyusername]

I might have this really wrong, but I think he wants the child, and the relationship. Except he's been manipulated by his mother so much, he doesn't want to upset her, or go against her wishes. He still lives with his 'D'M, and although he's been happy with you for 2 years, its now about to change, and that's the bit he can't deal with - the overall change

[RandomMess]

All you can do is invite him to visit you - come live with you and the baby? Give him the chance to be a parent?

He has been conditioned for his whole life and is vulnerable. I don't see what else you can do expect nothing and it will be a bonus if he dares to move away from mother to live with you.

[purpleshortcake]

Perhaps try and keep communication with him purely about the baby for now..and don't involve his mother in communications. Let him know when your scans are and say that he will be very welcome to come and be with you to see your child but that he will only be welcome on his own ( you definitely don't want his DM there). He may get excited once he sees the reality of a baby and realise that he is going to be a parent and needs to make his own decisions. I think you need to be prepared though that you may be a lone parent to this baby. I'm sure you can do a great job though whether alone or with your DP. How many weeks gone are you?

[TestingTestingWonTooFree]

This is a hopeless situation. You cannot beat her. Focus on your own child.

[redexpat]

It sounds as if its an abusive relationship. Even if its not I think all you can do is treat it as one. So let him know that your door will always be open for HIM. I dont really see what else you can do.

[MimiSunshine]

To be honest I'd just leave it and stop fighting what is clearly a loosing battle. There is practically no chance you can counteract her constant stream of poison against you as had clearly been demonstrated. He's lost to you now.

However you say that your child will never be near his DM, have you thought about the fact that if you fight for him to be an active father then you'll have no choice as you won't be able to stop him taking the child to see his mum and as he lives with her your child will be staying with her too.

He clearly can't protect the child from his mums attitude to autism or any disability so should you child have any additional needs they'll be faced with her attitude that it's a life not worth living or that they're incapable.

Now what if she changes tact and pushes him to seek 50/50 contact, that's 50% of your child's life with his DM!

Walk away, keep him up to date but put don't over involve them.

[bigmac4me]

People calling him a 'spineless cunt' etc, remember you don't know this man or how much his AS impacts on his life. If he's living at home at almost 40, it would probably suggest that he is pretty dependent and may not have the capability to deal with this situation. It's not as straightforward as it would be if there were not AS/ADHD involved

As the mother of three adult sons was AS/ADHD and other related conditions I thought this too. I can also see that others may view my sons as being "spineless cunts" - they probably have. But they have no idea what things are really like.

OP, I hope it works out for you in the way you would wish. And huge congratulations on your pregnancy.