To be hurt at friend's comments (fertility issues)(14 Posts)
This is long, apologies.
So I had a friend who I'd been friends with a fair while, not hugely close but when we both moved to a different country we started hanging out more and talking more.
I stopped speaking to her as she let me down quite a few times then when I was pregnant with ds and she was co-organiser of the baby shower dropped out less than a week before after having promised to do a bunch of stuff and leaving my mil right in the shit. It's appears from Facebook that instead of being ill and broke as she'd said she was she went out to some champagne evening.
Now I know that maybe she felt better last minute and maybe someone paid for her to go but it was the last straw with her being flaky. Someone bring flaky in itself wouldn't be enough for me to cut them off but she also never paid for a thing when she'd visit. She disappear or have forgotten her card every time it was time to pay for a meal or a drink and everything together made me not want to bother.
Anyway (said it was long, sorry) move on four years and she's made several attempts to reconcile and apologised. So a month ago I started speaking to her again.
She's planning on coming to stay in a couple of weeks and we've been chatting daily on fb messenger.
So today we're talking about how we're both trying the diet and exercise as we have been the last few days to encourage each other.
She says she's not done much today as she's got her period and feeling shit. I say 'sorry' and how I've just got mine too and am feeling really down about it as we've been having fertility issues and are on our last but one rounds of fertility medicine. She says 'wow so you're trying again?!' and I say yes we have been for 2.5 years now and this is pretty much the end of the line for a second child.
She says 'I'm sorry, I hate to say it but I'm so relived I'm not pregnant this month.'
And then 'it's either meant to be or not. Hard but true. You have one.'
Then 'omg there's nothing on tv, stuck watching the boat race.'
Now I'm not normally a snowflake over this. I'm constantly smiling through the 'hurry up and have another', 'it's cruel to just have one', 'you're getting to be too old' type comments. Even people that know I've had a few miscarriages say really hurtful stuff that I never say anything about.
But this has really upset me and made me feel like shit.
I know I'm pre menstrual plus heartbroken at not being pregnant again so am well aware I may be being oversensitive hence asking here.
She's an incredibly clued up and emotionally aware person so I'm having trouble buying that she just spoke without thinking too much. Also, she even said 'hard but true' so must have been aware she was saying something potentially upsetting.
Dh is furious and says he wouldn't be upset if she didn't come to visit ever again but I'd like to hear from others if I'm being a big baby.
Oh and I know I posted in aibu but I'm being unusually sensitive today so can you please hold off calling me a precious, self absorbed wanker?
I think people generally have no idea how to deal with things they haven't been through.
She probably had no idea what to say.
I don't think this is worth ending your friendship over, unless you really want to.
I think you need to think long and hard about if you really want to continue trying to re establish this friendship?
Where do you see the relationship going?
Some friendships fade for a reason..........
Honestly it totally depends on the relationship. I'm not sure I would be that upset by it (and it took me 4 years and ivf to have our only DS) but if she's an arse generally then she's not worth it
Well this is the thing, I thought maybe in four years she'd changed a bit, I know I'm an entirely different person to who I was a few years ago.
I was apprehensive about starting up the friendship again, maybe I wouldn't have been as upset having heard those comments from someone else.
The thing that's sticking in my craw though is her saying 'hard but true'. Like she knew she was imparting a much needed reality check. Not just saying things without understanding. And then to talk about lack of what was on tv.
Even in my dickhead years I appreciated how terrible it must be for friends that were infertile.
She could have just been trying to distract you... [clutching]
You shouldn't feel like you need to be friends with anyone, if you don't think the friendship is worth salvaging just cut her out. Don't spend any more of your time thinking about it.
Is she Katie Hopkins?
That's quite an insensitive and unkind thing to say but I wonder if you bought it up with her what she would say? Is it possible she really wasn't thinking? I think I might give her a chance and let her know that you thought it was unkind and see what she says. If she grovels etc then maybe you can move on. If not then I'd dump her.
I'm sorry you're upset. And you have every right to be feeling sensitive. I had a period of infertility and it is such a hard thing to go through.
But something made me read back over your OP. You don't mention that she has any children. So I presume not.
she was co-organiser of the baby shower dropped out less than a week before
'it's either meant to be or not. Hard but true. You have one.
It could be that she is dealing with infertility herself, or a wish to have children and hasn't been able to open up about it with you.
she also never paid for a thing when she'd visit. She disappear or have forgotten her card every time it was time to pay for a meal or a drink and everything together made me not want to bother
No, I wouldn't be bothering with someone after that either.
I also read into it that she may have fertility issues herself?
I'm pretty certain that she doesn't. She's always said from 15 years back that she never wants kids.
Dh thinks she won't have changed on the not paying for things front but I'm going to give her the Benidorm of the doubt.
I don't know... She doesn't sound great. But to be fair, it's entirely possible she couldn't have kids and just chose to say she didn't want to so that she wouldn't be an object of other people's sympathy. Secondary infertility is hard (been there) but it's not uncommon for people who haven't been there to have a "at least you have one" attitude about it.
Also, it's awkward being put on the spot to react appropriately to someone's sensitive situation, in writing rather than verbally. So much is lost in tone and body language, it's easy to be misunderstood. I have some sympathy for your friend on that count.
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