To be p#%*ed off?!(25 Posts)
DH and I have 2 autistic kids age 12 and 6. FS is 12 and has Aspergers and DD has Pathological Demand Avoidance and verbal dyspraxia. DS attends mainstream school DD attends specialist speech unit at mainstream school. DH works full time, on shift patterns, either mornings, afternoons or nights. I work part time, school hours basically but do have 1 day off. On this day is the general catch up with shopping, washing, the admin associated with kids with additional needs, any meetings with LA or school etc. I barely do anything for me. DH is really into his running and has signed himself up for several runs and even the London Marathon which were all going to go to. Today he had a half marathon so I needed to take DD swimming. I had warned DS as he can often refuse to go out on a weekend but he still had a meltdown and insisted on staying in car outside swimming pool as he is too anxious to be left at home alone even for a short time. I promised the incentive of breakfast out which did help but DD was highly anxious from DS shenanigans before leaving house and she was in any case, extra argumentative this morning before even seeing DS. Breakfast was in a supermarket nearby and afterwards wanted wanted to look around. It was awful with them fighting like cat and sofas they always bloody too. DS has misshaped DDs glasses as he tends to grab them off her. They trashed each other's rooms and have just been wild. Doesn't matter what I do, it's impossible. My life is all about the family and is dictated by their needs which I understand is how it should be but I feel so hopeless sometimes and sad. DH is looking after his body beautiful whilst I am morbidly obese. It just doesn't feel very equal and fair. AIBU? I feel like I am and question what is the matter with me and why can't I cope??
YANBU, at all.
You are coping, but at some point you won't as you are not getting a break and will wear down.
Someone once posted on here that for fairness both partners should get the same amount of free time per week. If your DH spends four hours running a week, then you should have four hours to yourself to do what you need. If there is a race, then your DH may need a day to do that and you should also get a day occasionally to yourself in return. In other words, there are going to be times when free time won't be equal but most of the time it should be.
I think that particularly in your case, you need equal time off. Would you be interested in going to the gym or anything like that? If you are, I'd go for an hour every day and let your husband deal with the children then. You're right, why should he take all that time off when you don't?
My ds has asd. There is just me and him. I struggle with just the 1! I struggle not getting time to myself.
If you threw in another child and a partner who got free time I longed for I'd be a crumpled heap on the floor!
Agree with previous posters. It may turn out that, in order to have equal free time, your husband needs to reduce the amount of time he spends exercising or find hobbies where he can take along the children.
I agree with the above. It's give and take and you need to look after your physical and mental health too, which doesn't mean being a 24 hour care giver. You're in this together, he gets his time so you should get yours!
You need to find time to care for yourself. Sit down with your dh and work out what you are going to do and when - even if it's just going for a coffee with friends once a week. You need an escape.
Ds has multiple health problems including autism and I am not exaggerating when I say that running keeps me sane - it is my "me time" and an escape from things.
But you do need to prioritize your own needs at times, however hard that may be, because the resentment will just continue to grow.
I was morbidly obese. My DH had hobbies and time alone. But between my demanding full time job, DS with aspergers and baby DS I felt trapped, resentful, hopeless and guilty. But I couldn't go on, and no one was going to make me happy but me.
I had to ignore my DHs initial grumpy sulks when I started slimming club meetings once a week and then a couch to 5 k programme. I ignored the kids whines that i was leaving them with DH or my mother for half an hour so i could painfully jog around the park or go to Zimbabwe or whatever I dabbled with back then.
Eventually they stopped sulking and my 'me things' became part of family life. I was happier, they were happier. I was no longer resentful, and so the arguments lessened between DH and I....
You have to make time for you. No one will gift it to you. Or you go mad.
Your dh must never spending a lot of time training if he's doing a marathon etc. How long does he get outside the home to do this? You should get an equal amount, op. If he complains, ask him if he wants to swap and you can work full time instead. He's got it easy.
Yanbu. I have one DC with ASD and one with medical problems and the last few years has been hell. DH continued with his hobbies whilst I have drowned. I reckon I was on the brink of a nervous breakdown cos I was doing far too much. However things are a bit easier now. I get slot of support from one GParent. what you are dealing with is extremely difficult. Anyone would find it extremely difficult to deal with. You need to sit DH down and explain how close to the edge you are and that you need more support. I have to remind DH every now and again but he is much more supportive than he used to be and now realises DCs outcome is reliant on both of us, not just me struggling on my own!
OP also for you. There is nothing the matter with you. You are completely overloaded.
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
Your DH is not pulling his weight with the children.
If he is fit enough to be running marathons, he must gets all kinds of solo time to maintain that fitness ... and yet you have none?
You need to pull him up on this immediately.
Training for a marathon is very time consuming, it's not really a reasonable thing for him to be doing in your family circumstances.
You need time to yourself, to "recharge" if nothing else.
Your DH is not pulling his weight at home, and he needs to; so take some time out for yourself. You will wear out and breakdown if you don't.
YANBU at all. Your DH needs to stop focusing so much on his own needs and start putting more effort into helping with family stuff.
I get that he probably needs some time for himself, but so do you and YOU'RE not getting it because HE is! And that's just not right. So he should sack off half of his planned events, and give you some time to have a day to do whatever you'd like to, without dealing with the children - even if that's just sitting in a coffee shop all day, reading.
I have a friend with 3, possibly 4 children who are on the spectrum somewhere (the 4th is too young to tell yet but it's looking like he's going to have something). She's just separated from her DH because his inability to take responsibility has left her with next to no respect for him, which has had a bad effect on the rest of their marriage. They still live together because they have too much debt (from his spendthrift ways) to live apart, but he hasn't changed his ways in terms of taking more responsibility for the children. It's ridiculous that she (and you) are left dealing with all the crap that goes with PDA (yes, one of hers has that too) and meltdowns, while the other just swans off and does his own thing. for you (and my friend).
DH tries to fit training with his shifts so in fairness I'm not home alone the whole time with the kids but sometimes because he has gone training there is more to catch up on in house. It has caused friction as I feel he's 'choosing' what he is able to do whilst I have to do what's left. It's the Sundays however that cause most issue as most runs/marathons/half marathons are on a Sun am which then clash with DDs swimming. She needs swimming, she is good at it and it is a release for her. DH says I need to speak up more but I have and have pointed out that things seem unfair a lot.
I took DD swimming last week as DH had taken her to a fortnightly sat club she attends for kids with additional needs. (He went for run whilst she was there) She went on her bike swimming whilst I walked. She insisted on going to shop at one point which I thought was too far. She didn't listen and I was scared to death she was going to race off so I rang DH as we were close to home. He just told me to tell her what to do- like it's that easy! She's so unpredictable I was genuinely fearful and at one point my throats went all dry and I kept coughing, I think it was a panic attack. I just wanted him to come and help 😞 DH gets frustrated with me for not being firmer with her but it doesn't work like that. She wakes in night when DH is on nights and climbs in bed at 3 or 4, refusing to go back to sleep and wanting to go on iPad. I know it's wrong but I have no fight at that time of night and again DH gets annoyed with me. He is better at dealing with DD than me, Whereas my approach works better with DS who responds to the patience and understanding.
I go off track. I will try once again to sit with DH and talk it through. I have met for coffee with friend but only once every couple of months. I went to the cinema a couple of times by myself on my day off - heaven! I like swimming but would feel self conscious in gym...
Good advice ladies, thank you x
My dh ran a marathon before we had ds, it takes a tremendous amount of time and effort. Our ds is 5, and has asc, and like your dd, needs almost constant supervision. It can be exhausting, especially coupled with poor sleep (we know about that in this house too!) but dh and I make sure we both have time out regularly. Meeting up with friends happens a lot more than once every couple months, and cinema trips are as often as we like. It's not always easy to organise but we have regular, honest chats about how we both feel and what we both need. We make sure we are both ok. It helps that a few years ago I had an operation and dh had to do everything for a couple weeks, so he understands completely how overwhelming it can be doing everything yourself. Hope you can have a good talk about it - in all honesty, if a run clashed with something important for ds, my dh wouldn't do it. Ds' needs are more important, they just are. And so are yours.
cheekymonk, I'm assuming you've been on the PDA website that gives you ideas for strategies to manage your DD's behaviour? If not, then here it is www.pdasociety.org.uk/families/strategies - there might be something in there to help you if you haven't already seen it x
And your DH's attitude sucks.
Thanks Thumbeitches yes, had attended PDA courses too but sometimes I get so frazzled and forget the lot
Thanks for all your comments- they are helpful to gain some perspective
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.