Total arse burger(45 Posts)
Thought I'd have a wee rant and have a post where others can moan if they've had a crap day.
I was up all night in pain, so I text DH a few things I would have liked. I said let the children get a treat, grab something for yourself too as a treat. I sleep downstairs as I can't do stairs, for a while I was a target during indoor football that has seen two really sentimental things get broke, one can't be fixed. DH decides he's got to do the garden and starts ranting, I've slept in a weird position so it takes me 10 minutes to try and move through the pain, all the while DH ranting. I get a cup of tea, I have the occasional cigarette if I'm in pain, I'm by the back door, DH goes and pours a jug of water on me, saying sorry I thought you were on fire I sort myself out, DS & DD come to my bedroom, they help me getting a towel and fresh top of their choice. DS & DD go off to play games in the wooded bit at the bottom of the garden, DH has made it clear he isn't going out, fair enough. Spends all afternoon on the garden, moaning and moaning about how something hurts. (I feel like saying take the pain, multiply it by a hundred, then have it all day, all night, you've now got what I experience!)
He's ratty I didn't make the children lunch, but I was asleep, he's ratty he's had to put his roast in the oven. He barked that I could fucking move out. (Children were in the foresty but so didn't hear luckily) But every weekend it's the same and he rants about the same stuff. Then guaranteed later, he'll be trying to get in my knickers. DS asked the time, DH swore as he needs to grab bits for Sunday tea, which is for him and the children. I changed what I wanted to a 4 pint bottle of milk, whatever the children want, plus whatever he wants. He starts moaning again whilst waiting for the children. Oh I've got dinner to finish, ironing to do.
He never says what can you help with, would you mind doing this? If I'm sat down I could sort the ironing, or if DH wanted to help someout out he could easily pay for someone to do it. I got told yesterday that I could call the window cleaner and pay for a big clean as he knows I've got some money. I even suggested yesterday I'm sure there's someone somewhere struggling for money that would love to earn a bit extra doing the ironing, or doing the garden, whatever he's choosing to moan about.
It drags me down as I saved half this sandwich, which I was pretty impressed with, he said it's just fucking food, oh you made a sandwich here's a certificate.
I didn't ask to be ill, I don't like not being able to do things, even when I offer he moans I don't do things to his standard. Yet I taught him to cook, clean and iron. I used to iron all the clothes for my parents and siblings when I was little. If I got asked I would mind be swore/moaned at. Even if I was to offer he'd moan about the fact I could have done it yesterday.
I'm lucky the children are angels, my brother is really supportive. My sisters aren't overly fond of DH so wouldn't really complain about him to them. The most annoying thing is when the children are in bed he'll be trying it on, saying he deserves a reward for his hard work. I think his reward is the fact I don't bite at all when he's going off on one.
Do you think the fact that I don't argue back, apologising, offering suggestions enhances his feeling of legitimacy of complaint.
Like I said I do lots with the children, I would love to do housework and gardening, but it's just not feasible. I suggested he get himself some craft beers as a thank you from us. Nothing is good enough. I could get him the moon on a stick and he'd find fault.
Is it a full moon or something?
Nothing to do with the moon and all to do with you're married to an abusive twat.
It sounds to me like he's having a hard time dealing with your illness, maybe . . . ? Perhaps he doesn't understand how much pain you're in and how immobile you actually are, and therefore resents having to do everything in the house. Have you sat him down and had a good, calm heart to heart about it all?
You said he never asks you to help but why can't you offer? Sometimes I would just like my OH to offer even if it's something I would do better.
He is probably feeling that he has to do everything as you have (presumably) some illness or condition that leaves you in pain. You didn't say what it is.
If I had to do EVERYTHING, even if it was because my OH is I'll, then at times it would get on top of me and I may lash out verbally.
Can you manage to run a duster round? You focus a lot on what you can't do but what are you able to do to assist in the running of the house? How old are your children?
I've just re-read your post, OP. I think there's a lot you could do to help your DH. Just today he seems to have done the gardening, made the kids their lunch, done some shopping, put a roast on for dinner . . . You made yourself a cup of tea, had a cigarette and made yourself a sandwich.
You said you could be doing the ironing while sitting down. So, ask one of the kids to bring it to you. You said you could easily arrange for someone to clean the windows etc. So, do it. You don't need your DH's permission. To me it sounds like, instead of taking the initiative and actively doing the things you CAN do to help in the house, you're waiting for him to specifically ask you. That's probably why he's frustrated.
He shouldn't rant at you, though, and the water was uncalled-for.
I get a cup of tea, I have the occasional cigarette if I'm in pain, I'm by the back door, DH goes and pours a jug of water on me, saying sorry I thought you were on fire
Ha bloody ha.
What on earth are you doing with him?
It drags me down as I saved half this sandwich, which I was pretty impressed with, he said it's just fucking food, oh you made a sandwich here's a certificate.
But you missed out the part where you must have said something for him to make the certificate comment.
Sorry, that is really long to read ! He poured a jug of water over you ?!
The water thing is awful. No excuse for that but it is frustrating to watch your partner do nothing all day whilst you run around even if it is because they are ill.
If you can do the Ironing then do it. Maybe pairs socks too etc too.
Could you do an online shop so he doesn't need to do that?
I have no idea if what you described is typical but if so I can see how this may be difficult for him.
Poor DH having to do everything. You should cut him some slack. I don't understand what you mean by saving a sandwich?
Whatever happened to for better, for worse? In sickness and in health? I'm not sure that's the sort of behaviour
abuse I'd expect if I'd taken those vows and then fallen ill...
If the tables were turned OP, would you be behaving like your DH? If not, you have your answer...
It sounds like you have some long term health issues which prevent you from doing much. I don't think 'pay someone to come in and do it' is really a fair answer when you say yourself that there are things you can do with a bit of thought (e.g. Ironing sitting down). Maybe you need to think about how tasks are divided and make sure your kids are pulling their weight and picking up after themselves (without knowing what your health issues are it's difficult to say what is fair).
Pouring water on you is a separate issue though and is nasty. Your children should not see their father doing that to their mother. Is the relationship usually like this?
It sounds like he's doing the cooking, ironing, shopping, I can see how it would be frustrating. Is there not something you can do to help? I too have chronic pain and illness but sometimes we have to just get on with it when we have kids. Take some painkillers perhaps. It's not fair to moan at him like that. but not helping at all.
Have I stumbled into an alternate universe? One where mumsnetters are feeling sorry for the poor ickle flower who's so cross about having to look after the house and kids that he pours a jug of water over his ill and very-much-in-pain wife?
He poured water on you?
I would LTB for that alone
Tipping water on you is abuse, no two ways about it. Also the swearing at you and muttering. Emotional bullying. Whether he's resentful towards you for not helping or not, he's being abusive and clearly has no respect for you at all.
He is overworked. If he rants every weekend is this representative of a typical weekend? He dies shopping cooking channing and ironing. You sleep, have a cigarette and make a sandwich (that you save him half of?)
Because your pain is so bad does not mean he can't have pain at times. And indeed moan about it. He is allowed to want a bit of sympathy for his crick in the neck. You don't have to give it, but he can want it.
Then finally is the pouring water on you. Which is just insane. Was it a joke that got out of hand? I've not poured water on an adult since I was a student having water fights. It just isn't funny. And for that alone I'd be looking to leave. It sounds like you would really struggle on your own, especially caring for children, but that doesn't mean it is impossible.
I'm not a well person either. I have almost constant pain daily and then I have days where I can't even move.
My dh does his full time work and comes home and does everything around the house without a complaint. He even sends me upstairs to time to myself if he has a day off work.
I try to help where I can. So if there is washing up in the sink, I'll wash up and clean the side. I'll put a load of washing on but things like hoovering and ironing can be almost impossible if I have a bad day.
In fact I can't iron at all without agitating my back
You know, I was going to post on another thread about people being stuck in their low paid jobs, constantly playing catch up with little chance of much changing. I would have said to all those saying move to a cheaper area (at some point you have to be in the cheapest area as no house is free), or get another job, change jobs. That there are only a finite number of jobs in the relevant area of expertise plus travelling distance from cheap area combo. I was going to state all this and then say you wouldn't ask a disable person if they had just tried not being disabled and then I saw this thread. Nobody except the OP knows how their condition affects them. People with disabilities here who have posted may have differing conditions and capability levels. We are not all the same. Just because some of you can do something, it doesn't mean another disabled person can, or even that another person with the same condition as you can. The severity of even the same condition can be different in different people, the way our bodies and psyches react to both the condition and possible treatments or symptom alleviating drugs is different. As is the level of help and respite available to us.
I joined this site a few years ago and the level of empathy and understanding from other posters has decreased dramatically over that time. I see more and more people posting that things are getting tighter and they don't know how they will manage if things change. They are met with sympathetic murmurs. However, if someone posts that the goal posts have moved that much and they have already been through all the options in an attempt to avoid this position are told they are either lying, they themselves are the problem, or they just have to move, work more or sell some things on eBay. They are even told they cannot budget. Sorry but as things have got tighter and tighter over the years. Those whose earning potential has not been able to keep up for any reason are going to find themselves in a situation where eventually the books will not balance any longer. It's the same situation with disability. If you continue to struggle with less and less reserves or respite, eventually your body fails.
I agree with your sisters OP. Your husband is a cunt and is contributing to your worsening situation. However, I can well understand feeling trapped if you are not in a position to take over any of these tasks yourself nor in a position to pay for them to be done by someone else should you be on your own. Look into accessing all the support you can and see if it is enough to drop him. If not, get as much as you can to ease the frustration and impotence you feel.
LTB is often trotted out here. 5-10 years ago it was much easier to do that as there was more support available. Now, there are so many hoops to jump through for the barest scraps, I don't blame people who are so beaten down that they haven't got the strength to do it, as they are the only one it affects.
We live in a world where access to solutions for various problems is being more and more restricted, yet people are refusing to believe that there are people who because of this have no solution available to them.
I do offer to do stuff, like I've said 3 times, if DS can grab the ironing board I can do the ironing. I don't know where he gets this from, but when I do offer, DH will say, easier to do it myself, I don't want help. So it's like a lose lose situation, I try and offer to help, offer to find help, it's always I want to do it myself. If I take initiative and do stuff he's just one of them people who likes moaning. He liked the sandwich and said to get the stuff so he can have it for a few lunches next week. I make sure we get the best deals on food & household goods, making sure we're stocked up on everything. That's why on posts about money, I usually say planning and research goes along way.
I've been ill all my life so he's known I've had limitations all the time we've been together, 15+ years. I taught him how to cook, cheats for cleaning, how to iron. I'd be the first to put my hand up if I never offered, or never took initiative to try and do stuff. I go out of my way to get treats, which he'll moan about, but happily enjoy them.
I know work is hard with the commute, I make sure everything is prepped the night before. It's a long commute, so I'll keep an eye on traffic in the afternoon and advise if anything is going on. I used to leave little notes but he hates anything that identifies him as having a partner/wife. I'm used to him talking about perving at women, so I'll laugh about it, otherwise I'll be called a prude. He likes talking about work and what's going on, I do help him as much as I can there. Tactically writing emails if he has a grievance etc. I also do the accounts based stuff, so we'll sit and reconcile receipts, check that the spreadsheet tallies with the accounts. I'll check to see that we have the best deal on various things like Gas & electric. I'll find podcasts that he likes to listen to at work / on the way to work. I do a lot of work CPD wise for him, so keeping up to date on industry news. He's taking various exams on things so I'll do revision cards, bullet points for weekly meetings. So it's more the practical stuff he moans about, but at the same time he hates interference, he likes everything done a specific way.
I do thing the severity of things health wise might be getting him down, but he has a good support network with my family. I think also after so many years you're not in the heart racing honeymoon mode. He never says if he worries, he likes to play the hard man, so I don't think he'd say if he was.
In an ideal world I'd be fit and healthy and would do all the housework and cooking. I am involved in cooking, as I'll sit in my w/c and advise on spices and stuff like that, as we avoid paying a fortune for premade packs. So I keep a cooking journal on stuff that's relevant.
I honestly think he just likes moaning. His Dad is the same if not worse. Ironically whilst being in a mood before going to the shops, he came back in a good mood. Yes I could have gone to the shops, but he believes women are crap drivers. So letting me drive his pride and joy would only cause stress.
I feel guilty complaining now he's calmed down. But he spent all day in period mode. It's only now whilst I'm running through check lists he's calmed down, chatting about work, CPD, the garden, stuff for DC in the holidays. It's almost like I cramp his style, I know it's a lot of effort for me to go places, but it would be nice to have the opportunity.
I honestly found just letting him rant and not answering back is easier for all of us. If he's in a bad mood leave him be. Whilst when I was younger and a bit more firey I'd answer back which would only escalate things.
Thank you for your feedback.
Wando it's another stick for the Ops husband to beat her with.
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