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Is it OK for me to say I'm not doing that task, but not OK for my OH to say it?

(37 Posts)
Nanna50 Sun 02-Apr-17 15:38:21

So many threads seem to descend into deriding men for not taking equal responsibility for childcare / housework / not pulling their weight around the home etc.

There are jobs around my home that I seriously do not want to do like putting the bins out, gardening and home maintenance. I don't want to help maintain our (big) garden other than potter about or drink wine while I admire it. I can cut grass but not as good as he can.

He cleans, kitchen and bathrooms, vacuums, but never seems to dust?? He changes the beds and does his own washing. But I do the the majority of banking & finance, and virtually all of the meal planning and cooking, because I'm better at that.

And although he plays with and entertains the grandchildren I feed them, put them to bed etc when they are here.

If he is spending the weekend decorating then I will do his washing and clean the house and not expect him to do any housework that weekend. Because I would rather do that than paint.

I really moan at him if he forgets to put the bins out 'cos he knows I hate doing it. And a couple of times I just haven't done it. Imagine if I posted on here that my OH had moaned at me because I hadn't done some household chore??

AIBU to think that shared responsibility does not mean that both the man and the woman have to do everything and a compromise is good enough?

BreakfastAtSquiffanys Sun 02-Apr-17 15:40:13

Your post makes sense, but the title confuses me

strawberryblondebint Sun 02-Apr-17 15:41:09

Totally agree. I like doing the bathroom. He hates it. I have no interest in the garden and am much better at knitting and crochet. That's his hobby. He works from home so tends to do the washing but when it comes to the children I do the lot. He does the rough and tumble. We are happy.

Nanna50 Sun 02-Apr-17 15:45:12

Yes sorry what I was thinking is that while I think its OK to say no to a task or household chore, often when I'm on here if it was my OH saying no then mumsnetters would tell me he was irresponsible, needed to step up, wasn't a child etc and its not OK for him to say no.
IYSWIM?

FrogFairy Sun 02-Apr-17 15:45:40

Nothing wrong with both of you playing to your strengths, as long as it evens out and neither is taking the piss.

frenchknitting Sun 02-Apr-17 16:06:28

I don't think it's ok for you to say "I'm not doing the gardening" UNLESS he is quite happy to do it. I hate decorating and I'm shit at it. Unfortunately, DH is exactly the same, so the options are to pay someone or suck it up.

So personally, you are not being unreasonable. But in general, it is not reasonable to refuse to take responsibility for any specific task, IMO.

Instasista Sun 02-Apr-17 16:08:45

I'm a bit confused tbh.

You don't want to do the bins so tell him to do them and then moan if he forgets? Of course that's unreasonable.

If both partners are happy to take on different household stuff then what's the problem?

UserSchmooser Sun 02-Apr-17 16:28:52

Re. second post OP, yes, there are massive double standards on MN.

No, you don't have to do 50% of everything with each task split down the middle, you need to do your fair share. That might be a disgusting short job (cleaning toilet) as opposed to online grocery shopping and meal planning which DH quite enjoys but takes a while or it might be doing the same job alternately or it might be being a SAHP doing the majority of household jobs whilst the other person provides financially.

You do your washing separately?

Nanna50 Sun 02-Apr-17 16:31:20

I've never thought it was a problem if both people take on different household tasks, but also I've never thought I was BU to refuse. My OH has often asked if I want to help with the garden, I rarely do though. blush
I used to do all the decorating when I was a SAHM, I'm a good wall paperer as I was taught by a professional. I used to put the bins out as well, in fact I did everything (except the gardens)
It's only while reading some of the comments about men on mumsnet that made me think how often I say no or how there are some things my OH never does.

ThroughThickAndThin01 Sun 02-Apr-17 16:32:28

I don't think you can lump in gardening of a big garden! That's a bloody hard job. It can't just be discounted because he likes it, or it's his 'hobby'. It's no different to housework and maintaining the house imo, it's a chore.

ThroughThickAndThin01 Sun 02-Apr-17 16:33:56

I think YABU. Reading what he does and you do, he seems to do way more than you.

MrsTerryPratchett Sun 02-Apr-17 16:34:42

I do think it's interesting that the 'blue jobs' are often seasonal, once in a while, considered hobbies and can be swerved without people getting sick or social services being called. Gardening springs to mind. Or decorating.

'Pink jobs' are often essential, daily, boring, tedious and if not done, result in serious health problems or issues for children. They take up time and head space.

You can organize your household any way you like. The feminazis aren't coming with pitchforks in their dungarees to haul you away.

ifyoulikepinacolada Sun 02-Apr-17 16:38:53

I think yabu. Yes, give and take and compromise and understanding are all great. But unless he's agreed to always always take the bins out then you're totally unreasonable not only not to do it but also to have a go at him!

Nanna50 Sun 02-Apr-17 16:39:05

Yes User we do our own clothes separately, he is a rubbish washer and despite what mumsnet tells me he has never learnt to not put a lightweight blouse in with jeans, to not chuck everything in the dryer so I wont let him near my stuff. Some of the work he does is on site, he also does a fair bit of fishing and those clothes he puts in himself. Towels, bedding etc are just done by whoever is using the washer.

BertrandRussell Sun 02-Apr-17 16:42:23

As I have said before, some houses must have a hell of a lot of shelves.....

Obsidian77 Sun 02-Apr-17 16:44:11

A division of labour that is acceptable to both parties is fine.
I do think someone who refuses point blank to do certain tasks, eg putting out the bins or cleaning the toilet is BU but it's for their OH to sort that one out (unless of course you have a bad back and can't garden for example).
In other threads it's usually not about doing a specific chore, it's that the chores or housework symbolise how a relationship isn't working, that one person is unhappy, frustrated and exhausted and that their OH is indifferent to that.

gamerwidow Sun 02-Apr-17 16:50:06

As long as the division of labour is fair it doesn't matter who does what. I don't do bins or loading the dishwasher. DH doesn't do washing or cooking. I do the decorating but he does the lawn mowing or trips to the dump. If he really hated doing these jobs I'd do them as long as he picked something else up.

Nanna50 Sun 02-Apr-17 16:50:31

MrsT you have a good point if I didn't do the finances and feed us we would suffer, the gardens and home maintenance are a year round job but we would still survive.

As for the bins I'm totally in the wrong.

supersop60 Sun 02-Apr-17 16:50:41

No, it's not ok for you to say that. People share household chores as they see fit, but you would BU to insist that someone else does a chore that you hate.

EdenX Sun 02-Apr-17 16:58:02

Its not OK to must refuse to do essential household or childcare tasks because you don't fancy it - its selfish and a bit pathetic. If you lived alone you'd manage.

Its especially not OK to refuse to do something then complain about the other person not doing it.

Its fine to split chores between a couple in the way that suits both best, with each person doing the same amount of work and having the same amount of free time though.

brasty Sun 02-Apr-17 16:58:32

If you have an equal division of labour, and both do some horrible job, that is fine. But often that is not the case. I don't count playing with children as necessarily a chore. That can be the fun bit of family life.

Nanna50 Sun 02-Apr-17 17:00:52

Oh I should say that I also clean the kitchen and bathrooms, change the beds and vacuum etc those are jobs that are shared. But if we have a carpet laid and the doors need planing, a roof tile blows off, the tap is dripping or something needs fitting, fixing or changed then it falls to DH without me even considering whether I should do it. hmm

MargotLovedTom1 Sun 02-Apr-17 17:04:56

How onerous a task is banking/finance for the average household in the age of direct debits?

Agree with pp - he seems to do a lot more than you, but you make a point of commenting that he doesn't dust.

MargotLovedTom1 Sun 02-Apr-17 17:06:08

Oh well, I've just cross posted wit you. Your OP made it sound like he was doing the bulk of the housework as well as gardening, bins, decorating and his washing.

Nanna50 Sun 02-Apr-17 17:13:50

Sorry Margot I realised that I made it sound as though only he did those jobs. EdenX I think I would manage by myself, I may have to downsize but reading some of your replies I do wonder if I take a lot for granted.

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