To go ape about all this (re dd, almost 14)(174 Posts)
dd1 turns 14 on Monday. Addicted to Smart phone. Very deceptive, smuggles devices into her room late at night sometimes despite rules and consequences. Socially very confident. Two inches taller than me. Blond and leggy. Academic self esteem not good ever (dyslexic) in lower groups, she is capable of being in higher groups but never puts in enough effort to demonstrate that.
Am a LP for last 4 years. ExH 1 mile away, contact in place EoW plus 1 evening in the week and all stable. Works well. Her 12yo sister is ASD and has problems with anxiety which makes evenings quite difficult. dd1 is oblivious to this, am just adding context.
Was really in need of getting away last month and finally managed to get away for 3 nights. Came back to find house trashed and clearly dd1 had stayed over unsupervised with friends, she told her dad she slept at a friend's house elsewhere. There was a huge bag of rubbish in the middle of the living room (full of Easter egg boxes, MacDonald's) several 2l bottles of Fanta and coke (open) left lying around, spillages, tablets (as in medication) of unknown source on floor, furniture moved around, pictures moved. Blah blah. dd1 said 'I did tidy up'. Was really shocked to come home to this. dd1 birthday sleepover cancelled. No sleepovers for the foreseeable. Decided not to go completely mental due to no boys or drugs/alcohol but had a conversation about it being very irresponsible and not appropriate.
After this dd1 that same week I caught dd1 with an old smart phone in her room at 23:30h. Phone removed for 24hrs as per normal. Very pissed off she did this just days after being punished for secret sleepover.
The following week am in the bathroom and shocked to find underneath a towel dd1 has tried to wash a sexy thong, pink undies with tassels. Revolting things. In a bit of a state. Tell her off and she said a friend leant them to her. Said 'do you think these are appropriate for a 13 yo girl? She says no. Told her never to have them in the house again.
We have had a few chats about how superficial she is with homework and she got upset about being in lower groups. I told her I feel I am having to parent her like a toddler by making sure old smart phones etc are hidden from her and I feel he behaviour is not mature and she should start spending some time on her work to balance things out if she wants to move up groups at school. She looks contrite but says 'yes' but now it's the end of term.
FFWD to yesterday I collect her from a party at her friend's and there are two boys there. Am waiting on the door step for dd1 to put shoes on. One of the boys mentions 'dd1 it's your birthday on Monday, what are you doing' and says, laughing 'can we sleep at your house again'
So in the car I said to her. He slept over that weekend didn't he. Cue dd1 getting all angry, first denying it then saying 'he only stayed til midnight' it's clear at least one boy and maybe others were at my house sleeping over with no adult present. She then sat in the. She then sat in car saying nothing so I removed phone and sent her to bed. Have since seen evident she has been online at 23:46 last night despite phone being removed. Dunno how she has done that. I have lost control of this kid.
Am livid at the disrespect and the not giving a shit and the bahaving like she is 16.
I have tried to not go ape with her but am now at the end of my rope. Meeting up with her dad today to discuss what to do.
She is going to football match with her grandad today and I was thinking of cancelling but it's with family so don't know. AIBU to remove her iPhone4 and replace it with a crap phone with no internet? AIBU to cancel birthday shopping trip?
Birthday shopping trip tomorrow is with 2 friends.
I don't have a teen yet, but you might get more constructive help on the teenagers boards. If you read back there are some long threads with good ideas in & lots of sympathy.
Btw. As I said, no experience, but, I wouldn't cancel football, presumably her grandad would enjoy that too. I might not even discuss any of it until after she'd been to the match tbh.
I would swap out her phone, but not indefinitely.
Not sure about shopping.
I think this is difficult because time has passed.
FWIW I think the original punishment was very mild. There are three issues - the lie, the party and the mess.
Did you tell her father she lied? He needs to know.
Did she tidy up all the mess?
Where did she get this "old" phone from?
Do you think she is fighting for the attention her sister has due to her ASD? Genuinely it's not a criticism. I have 4 dc, one of whom displays extremely challenging behaviour and takes up a disproportionate amount of time compared to the other 3. I know this affects my eldest particularly badly due to her being older and therefore being given responsibilities she doesn't really want - the carers role - with her younger sibs. We fight to retain the balance of us as parents while still expecting her to do some things and she gets very confused and 'parental' with the little ones.
It does sound like a change of tack about dealing with her might help, take a step back and look at what is happening in the home and with her friends to see if you can unpick why she is behaving like this.
Eek I really feel for you, and her. It sounds as if you've got a daughter with low self-esteem who's getting the attention she needs from boys and peers. I was similar at that age, and I do remember that all the punishments just served to make me feel even more alienated from family and more focused on boys and friends who I saw as being nice to me. Can you spend more time with her? A bit of love-bombing? I know it's hard when you've got other commitments and you're on your own, but I think teen girls really need to spend more time with their parents. Definitely don't cancel football with grandad, you should be encouraging any positive activities.
Gosh it's a hard one. I don't think it's unreasonable of you at all to ban her phones for a very long time then allow her to have them back on a trial basis when she can handle them.
Have you talked to your XH about the boy situation? If you have a good relationship he might be as horrified as you.
Sorry i cant be a huge amount of help but a for the phone thing we completely removed me dd 12s smartphone and its massively changed her temper and concentration. She has a brick in her backpack for emergencies but thats it. Her homework has also improved so much.
As for the other stuff i have no idea im afraid but sure others can help.
Her Dad has got to take some responsibility for this! I know she lied to him, but he just let her go to a 'sleep over' without checking up on her! She has the freedom to do whatever she wants when she's with him.
You sound like you are trying so hard, and doing the right thing. Can you try letting her have one day a week for socialising and phones on the condition she works hard and improves her behaviour on the other days?
Don't give up, sounds like she really needs you.
I took advice from MN teenagers board re the sleepover and was advised it wasn't the worse thing in the world.
I know what you are saying about my ASD daughter who takes up a disproportionate amount of time. I do make time for dd1 we had a day out at Westfield shopping centre (which I hate but enjoyed spending time with her) just before Xmas for this very reason.
Her dad was informed straight away re sleepover and we collaborated over punishment.
Presumably she's accessing WiFi? I'd change the password on that for a start. That'll stop her accessing it at night.
I wouldn't cancel football, but I'd certainly be tempted to give her a non smart phone for a while. She needs to see that actions have consequences.
Make sure her Dad is on board with everything. Won't work if he turns round and does the opposite.
Her dad is also horrified re the boy thing.
Yes maybe some love bombing. I also work 4 days a week. It is so so hard meeting this needs of both dd's.
Up til now I always knew what to do but now I feel totally out of depth.
Me and her dad are meeting up today to discuss a way forward
Okay, so dad is on board. That's good.
I think you should get together and discuss this latest news, then the two of you sit down with DD and talk things through.
Her safety is the most important thing here.
But sending one day last year with DD is not making time for her. That's over three months ago.
God I remember being 13 and the stupid things I did that my sweet mother knew nothing of. I would start again with a clean sheet. Listen to her. Be a person she can talk to. Have you heard of love bombing? She does not deserve this approach at all but it is potentially win, win. She sounds selfish and untrustworthy but you sound amazing, patient and a lovely mum. You will show her how to be an adult and when she is I bet you have an amazing relationship. Teens are hard. and good luck.
Not to alarm you but is there any chance she's being exploited by these boys/groomed by somebody with the means to give her more phones. It seems she's constantly needing to make herself contactable by her friends/ the school boys or somebody else.
The underwear thing as well is a bit of an alarm bell for me, 13 is young to be wearing sexy underwear, she may be objectifying herself due to (as pps have said) low self esteem.
Not sure if my response has been coloured by my experiences at this exact age of sexual exploitation , but I thought I was really grown up and deceptive with my parents, and I was actually being abused by older teenagers/men.
I am not saying this is happening with your daughter, but I think some aspects are a bit concerning. I definitely wouldn't approach this with more punishment other than limiting her being in situations unsupervised (ie. keeping her safe). Build her self esteem
And you're relationship.
Oh forgot to say with the punishment thing my dd had very inappropriate messages on her phone so instead of going bat shit crazy i asked dd what she would do in my situation. She told me she would take the phone away for 3 months and grounding her for a week. (Its been 4 and she has no intrest in getting it back) to be honest i think her punishment was more than mine would have been but it made her think of it from a different angle.
I can't be much help either but like Francis I think the first thing is pretty bad. Was she supposed to be staying at her dad's and lied to him but then arranged all this at your house, and then didn't even clean up properly? I think you and her dad need to talk to her jointly about that.
I would swap phone for a brick for now, but not make any permanent decisions about it.
I think you are being too harsh, she is 14, trying to fit in and starting to discover her sexuality.
Lying is not on but if you put too much pressure on her you will just pull the rift apart.
Where does she get all these devices from? Can you confiscate them as you find them and give her an old non smart phone?
It is hard, I agree. Especially with teens who don't even recognise that spending time with you is important, so it can feel like a punishment on both sides! But I know it would have made a massive difference to me, and that if you can make your dd feel like she can open up to you that will help with lots of situations over the next few years. Could your ex have your younger one once a week so you and dd could go out for dinner?
did you leave her for 3 days? or did i misread?
I think that was a big deal
the rest not so.
the knickers also no big deal.
the party and mess, was bound to happen after being left alone in the house.
of course she will misbehave.
i wouldnt leave her alone for nights.
i also wouldnt worry too much, keep talking. let her talk to you also
in the car is a good place for discussions
Anoise it was her sister's old phone she was on which was taken out of a kitchen drawer. We have always been able to talk about boys and sex and stuff. She is actually quite a pleasant kid. Lovely actually. Charming with everyone else. We had movie night a couple of weeks ago for her. Our relationship has been ok until all this.
dd2 spending an extra night at dad's so we can go out for dinner isn't a bad idea..
Am finding all this quite helpful everyone. Was expecting a slating tbh about failing her by being divorced and prioritising ASD sibling
She only slept over with friends one night, the Saturday night.
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