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To Consider Ending My Marriage Over This?

(147 Posts)
Thisisthefirsttime Sat 01-Apr-17 22:07:31

My husband (not the father of my eldest two) and I have been together for 8 years.

For the last few years he has been sulky and moody and moans about lots of minor things. Usually he mutters under his breath but gets over it quite quickly. Generally he is quite lovely and would do anything for us/anyone.

Examples of his temper flaring include getting angry about the recycling not rinsed out to his standards or having to do the washing up (he does this twice a week as we have a rota). Nothing major.

Tonight though, he put the sauce in before the pasta when dishing out the dinner that I made. No big deal but he flipped. Threw the sauce all over the cooker and splash back, then threw the dish into the sink whilst shouting at me.

My 18yo (not his) heard and came out of her room. She witnessed him push me hard (first time he's done this but seemed as though he was going to hit me then changed his mind) As he was heading for the door she stepped in front of him and told him to never ever do that and to get out. There was a tussle and he shoved past her to grab my car keys. I said not to take the car whilst angry and he ripped the key cabinet off the wall and threw it down which missed me but caught my daughter's arm and cut it.

He left. He called about 20 minutes later to say he was coming back. I said should apologise for his behaviour as all the kids (18, 12 and 3) were upset and scared. He refused.

He came back and did apologise but my daughter was still very shaken and upset and the 12yo was crying. About sauce?!

It was ridiculous. I said that this kind of thing couldn't happen again but I'm wondering if perhaps I should end it now. I was in an abusive relationship with my previous husband and put up with it longer than was safe or healthy because I didn't want to fail at marriage. This time I'm not bothered. I just want to protect my kids from this kind of shit.

SmileEachDay Sat 01-Apr-17 22:08:45

I'd kick him out.

NeedsAsockamnesty Sat 01-Apr-17 22:08:57

End it.

user1471517900 Sat 01-Apr-17 22:10:14

Of course boot him out. That's ridiculous and he's an actual danger to you and children.

CocoaLeaves Sat 01-Apr-17 22:10:37

I don't think there is a way back from what you describe, sorry. Please keep you and DC safe. I am very tired so only a short reply. Others will have more advice.

Thisisthefirsttime Sat 01-Apr-17 22:10:49

Forgot to mention, he had been out childfree all day (10-8) at his hobby so had only been through the door a short time.

cestlavielife Sat 01-Apr-17 22:10:55

Why are you even wondering?
Just end it now. No question.
He goes.

Writerwannabe83 Sat 01-Apr-17 22:11:11

Jesus!!! End it. Things usually only get worse.

Oysterbabe Sat 01-Apr-17 22:11:20

I'd end it. I wonder how it might react to a genuine issue rather than pasta.

gigi556 Sat 01-Apr-17 22:11:55

I'm not sure I understand why he flipped out over the pasta sauce?

Seems like there is something else going on. Have you tried to talk to him? What about couples counselling?

Softkitty2 Sat 01-Apr-17 22:12:11

He went crazy over the dinner HE incorrectly dished out?

He needs help.

Say to him you went this mad over sauce and pasta? Ask him if he thinks his reaction was normal?

Wishiwasmoiradingle2017 Sat 01-Apr-17 22:12:26

My ex threw a tantrum similar once - because I cooked my adult dc their fried egg before his!!
It was a fast spiral downward slope to our divorce.

Gallavich Sat 01-Apr-17 22:12:40

End it. It's the only way to protect your children from further abuse. Causing children to witness domestic violence is abuse, so now you know he is prepared to abuse them, you have to take action.
Sorry this happened to you all.

AliceKlar Sat 01-Apr-17 22:12:50

Absolutely NOT ok and yes that would be it imo. He is a danger to you and your DC. So sorry you and they have had to experience this.

Papafran Sat 01-Apr-17 22:13:22

You've got to leave him. No ifs and buts. He is violent and was violent towards your DD. Get rid.

SparkleSoiree Sat 01-Apr-17 22:13:47

I'd end it regardless of a million apologies, excuses or promises to change. Nobody should live walking on eggshells in fear of somebody else.

I hope you and your daughter are ok.

Wando1986 Sat 01-Apr-17 22:13:49

He was angry about something else and launched in to it at home. It was nothing to do with the sauce or with anything else he's ever kicked off about. It never is.

If you want to fix it, find out what he was really upset about.

If you don't, or if he wont talk about the real reasons, kick him out.

ScrumpyBetty Sat 01-Apr-17 22:14:24

Oh God, I'm really sorry OP but he sounds abusive,you all sound scared of him...he needs to go. Please leave him. Is there anywhere you can go have you got family or friends you can all stay with for a while?
Please please get out of there

cestlavielife Sat 01-Apr-17 22:14:29

Do you mean your dc were crying about sauce?

No they were crying about this man's behaviour .
Get rid now.

I lived too long with ex who amongst other things got angry over things like sauce.

Catsize Sat 01-Apr-17 22:14:53

softkitty, that won't help.

BastardBloodAndSand Sat 01-Apr-17 22:15:08

If this has come on suddenly and is unusual for him then could there be something else going on ?? Is he under a lot of pressure ?? (( sadly have a lot of experience with a family member who suffered a complete breakdown in their 40s and became extremely volatile. ))

If not and he's a mardy fucker in general then show him the door. You deserve better than this. Your kids even more so.

hesterton Sat 01-Apr-17 22:15:25

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SexTrainGlue Sat 01-Apr-17 22:15:37

How old is he?

Is his change of mood and different behaviour displayed only towards you?

Dementia can present like this. You would still need the same steps to keep yourself safe as if the incipient violence were deliberate, but you may find the range of support/possible outcomes quite different.

gamerchick Sat 01-Apr-17 22:15:49

So your 18 yr old daughter watched you in an abuse relationship before and now she's seeing it again?

JaneEyre70 Sat 01-Apr-17 22:16:03

Your poor kids must have been terrified. It boils down to what you consider acceptable. If his behaviour tonight was acceptable, then he stays. If it wasn't, he goes. Only you can make that decision.
My DH has a horrid temper but we have a policy now of not reacting whatsoever to his outbursts and they have never been directed at any of us. To push you and hurt your DD albeit accidentally speaks of someone who has lost control. That would worry me, OP. Big hugs to all of you.

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