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Aibu to be upset by this?

(7 Posts)
catsatonthemat Sat 01-Apr-17 20:40:05

My DB has always been helped out by our parents both in terms of money, life, childcare etc and I am so pleased my parents help out when times are tough. A few years ago my bro was doing it tough with his dw and two boys. My parents helped them out with bills etc alot as money was bad. My bro took the move to get a better job and landed a brilliant job. He and dw earn approx 90k between them. They save approx £600 a month. My brother does whatever he can not to pay for childcare and always ends up calling asking for help with my nephew's in the holiday and they can't afford to pay for the childminder or school clubs etc. As it happens i like looking after them for the occasional day and they are close with my son. But he puts on my parents unreasonably for childcare. E.g despite knowing term times it's always a last minute problem and noone to have the kids tomorrow etc.

So that's a big annoyance but not my problem so i get over that. HOWEVER.... Last year they went on a 6k holiday, this year a 5k holiday and next year have booked another 6k holiday. He has asked my parents to give him £25k to top up their savings so that they can buy a house and that they can write it in their will that i get £25k more when they die. I already have a mortgage as i sacrificed nice holidays to buy a house. Yes i admit to holiday envy. My parents said yes and then said no as not fair to me and can't afford to give us £50k now. I only found this out as he was moaning to me about it and surely i wouldn't mind as he only has half the money needed for a deposit. I told him I actually felt uncomfortable with the whole conversation and that perhaps if they were so desperate for a house they could sacrifice £15k worth of holidays until after next year. But as it's money from bonus' he doesn't see it was actual money.

Anyway, i rang my mum to talk and said i felt bad that they had this major conversation about money that could screw them over in old age (only 60s now). I was told they have agreed to give my bro stamp duty and fees once he has proved he can save the rest (a few days after they had that conversation he booked a £4k holiday). He didn't tell me that last part about the stamp duty etc. Mum said to me she would give me and DH the same amount. I said very politely that whilst that's a nice gesture, i felt they were only offering me money because they wanted to help my bro out who they said is desperate for a house and want to be fair to us. They hadnt actually just wanted to help us both out randomly iyswim. I said i felt that as my bro can save £5-600 a month plus big bonuses, that i felt their family has made the choice to take longer to save and to enjoy nice holidays, therefore his decision to delay a mortgage. It's not that he can't save. I basically said i felt that he should be made to save up for a mortgage and all fees themselves as only another 2-2 years off having full deposit & fees. The £10k for giving is money my bro could save in a year, two max. Most people aren't in that situation. Aibu? I had to work hard to save for my mortgage and whilst i don't begrudge my parents wanting to help us out occasionally, it's a huge sum of money for them. If he had got 90% of what he needed but couldn't save e.g on one salary etc, then I'd totally support my parents helping him​. So it's not about the money but the principal as he has always been bailed out by them. I don't know why i am so upset by this.

Knock some sense into me

goodpiemissedthechips Sat 01-Apr-17 20:45:34

What your parents do is of course their own business. But in their position I would be very worried about having enough money to fund my retirement for potentially another 30 years. Your brother seems to think they have unlimited funds, while they've made it clear that they don't.

While, as I said, it's your parents' business, I would be feeling really uncomfortable about it too. Your parents obviously want to treat the two of you fairly, but you don't want/need the money so you can't really win (and neither can your parents).

Your brother really needs to grow up, he sounds really entitled if I'm honest and I would be telling my 6yo not to be so grabby, let alone an adult. But it's your parents' call.

maisyanddaisy Sat 01-Apr-17 20:45:56

Completely understand why you are upset- your brother is totally taking the piss and being extremely selfish. He's got, frankly, loads of money and has no need whatsoever to ask for more from your parents, who would struggle to afford it.
You are upset for your parents and disappointed that your brother is being a twat. YANBU.

goodpiemissedthechips Sat 01-Apr-17 20:46:31

I meant to say: feelings are never wrong. They're just feelings. I feel a little uncomfortable just reading this, let alone if they were my parents!

MrsExpo Sat 01-Apr-17 20:46:59

I don't think you are being U to be upset by this. It seems to me that DB is somewhat taking the "p" to be asking for help when he spends so much on unnecessary luxuries like expensive holidays. If he really wants to get on the property ladder and buy a house he should do what the rest ion us have done and save his money for a deposit, buy a place which is within his means and stop asking your parents for big bucks financial help.

catsatonthemat Sat 01-Apr-17 21:08:03

I was a bit worried i was going crazy and just being all sibling rivalry. Don't get me wrong, i could do with a handout as times are tough but we get by and we work hard for it and i have never asked for any money. I'd have to be really​ desperate to do so. It does concern me that he doesn't understand they don't have unlimited money. He has always been entitled in his attitude. I understand my parents want to help but to me i think its a bigger help to make him learn the life lesson of working for what you want.

ImperialBlether Sat 01-Apr-17 21:34:59

I would have to say something to him when your parents are there, too.

He's spending £4K on a holiday while asking your retired parents for money? No way - that's really disgraceful. He needs to be confronted with this.

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