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To not want DD(8) to spend a week at MIL's without me or DH

(38 Posts)
SparklyUnicornPoo Sat 01-Apr-17 15:16:49

Long so as not to drip feed.

MIL lives just over 150 miles away and has invited DD(8) to stay with her for a whole week in the summer holidays.

They have a good relationship and saw each other frequently before MIL moved away, and even since she moved has made sure to visit us most school holidays. However they have not spent a lot of time together just the two of them, this has always been MIL's choice, she refused to babysit every time we asked before she moved and whenever she takes DD out she asks DH to go to (I think this is because she wants to see him rather than because she doesn't want to be alone with DD). She has had DD for a weekend once, when DD was 4, when DD got home she said MIL wouldn't let her call me when she got homesick and wouldn't bring her home early, she only lived 10 miles away at the time, that is literally the only time they have ever been alone together. MIL said she had decided trying to distract DD was better than calling me and upsetting her more and then it was late so she didn't want to disturb me, I have used distraction myself when on sleepovers with my Rainbows so i can see that bit, but I would always call if it wasn't working/the child was really upset.

DD has been away without us quite a few times, to my parents for a night or two and for Rainbows and Brownies, but that's always been relatively local, not a week long and with people who she's spent lots of time with without me or DH there.

What's worrying me is:
a) not letting DD call me/come home when she wanted last time
b) its 150 miles away and neither DH or I drive (I can't due to medical reasons, DH hasn't learned)
c) a week is a long time.

Upsides:
a) I want DD and MIL to have nice memories together, I went on some fantastic trips with my Nanna.
b) DD loves MIL
c) MIL lives at a popular holiday destination abundant in things DD would love to do/places DD would love to go.

DD was really excited when MIL suggested it yesterday morning but then at bedtime said she was a bit worried about being so far away and does she have to go, so I'm not really sure what she wants to do.

I should add in all fairness that I don't like MIL and this may be clouding my judgement (she's annoying, very full on and at constant risk of choking on her judgy pants, criticises me and my parenting constantly and has said quite a few times that she doesn't think I'm good enough for DH) and I am also pretty pissed off she invited DD in front of me then said 'that's alright isn't it Sparkly?' rather than talking to DH or I about it first. We are civil with each other now and she did ask when my birthday is to add it to her card list yesterday and have a normal conversation but as DH and I have been together 10 years and this level of interaction is an achievement you can see how bad our relationship used to be.

MIL is pissed off because I've said DH and i need to discuss it and told her she really should have spoken to us first. DH wants DD to go. I think I would be ok with it if either DH went with DD (DD breaks up a week before the school I work in do, its that week, which DH has already booked off to look after her, him and MIL are really close so she'd probably like that too) or if DD went for a few days this time and then if she had fun we could look at her going for a week in the future.

DH thinks suggesting either option will upset MIL, it probably will but then me existing upsets her some days so you know, whatever i say will probably upset her.

chastenedButStillSmiling Sat 01-Apr-17 15:20:07

DH goes along as well sounds like a sensible compromise to me. Can he stay in a B&B to give them some time alone together?

They can maybe get the train together too

museumum Sat 01-Apr-17 15:23:10

I would invent some unmissable friends party or trip or something making it only possible to go for four days. It will be a more trial run for longer in future if dd goes alone.

tigermoll Sat 01-Apr-17 15:23:20

A week is too long -- probably for both of them.

I understand not wanting to upset your Mil, espec if relations have been strained (fwiw she sounds like a PITA) but her feelings come bottom of the heap in this situation. Top of the heap is your DD - do what's best for her, don't make her pick up the slack foe keeping your Mil happy.

dowhatnow Sat 01-Apr-17 15:28:35

Can dd go with dh for a few days then if everything is going great then you can have a weekend with him fairly close by, leaving dd with mil.
You get a nice break together doing couply things but if it doesn't work out and she doesn't want to stay on her own then dd can have a weekend break with you both instead.

SparklyUnicornPoo Sat 01-Apr-17 15:29:39

Can he stay in a B&B to give them some time alone together? I hadn't thought of that, I will look into prices.

SparklyUnicornPoo Sat 01-Apr-17 15:36:25

Thanks tigermoll, that's what i thought but wanted to check i wasn't being stupid before i upset her.

I don't think DH would lie to MIL about a trip

I have work so can't go, she'd be travelling up Friday, coming back the following one.

MazDazzle Sat 01-Apr-17 15:57:35

A couple of nights is a fair compromise! You are being more than generous offering this.

Like you say, if all goes well, it can be for longer next time.

Sugarpiehoneyeye Sat 01-Apr-17 16:04:39

So what if it upsets MIL., she your daughter.
I agree that a week is a long time, especially long, should she wish to come home,
Great idea, as regards your DH, spending a week with them both, win win situation.

LadyPW Sat 01-Apr-17 16:08:28

I'd start with just a couple of days or with DH, if DD still wants to go.

Redtartanshoes Sat 01-Apr-17 16:10:59

If she goes get her a cheap phone and SIM card, then you can both call as you wish

JoandMax Sat 01-Apr-17 16:13:51

I think a weeks too long considering she hasn't spent that long away from you with anyone not just MIL.

A good compromise is her going for 2/3 nights over a weekend and if she comes home having had a great time and not being homesick then you can consider a longer stay in the future.

My parents are fantastic GPs and my DCs love them but they would find a week away from us too much (7 and 8). 3 nights is a great break for them and us!!

BackforGood Sat 01-Apr-17 16:21:22

It would be very odd for your dh to go and then stay in a B&B hmm

I think, if she's not sure, then suggesting going for a few days seems a sensible compromise though.

SparklyUnicornPoo Sat 01-Apr-17 16:40:40

Sigh. just suggested some of these to DH. Apparently MIL was a dinner lady for a term 30 years ago which means she totally knows exactly what shes doing with children and i'm a total cunt for still being worried after he's told me DD is going and I'm just carrying it on and causing issues for the sake of it. He's normally very reasonable, just not when it comes to MIL.

Youdosomething Sat 01-Apr-17 16:40:40

Dd to go, DH to join them for a couple of days. Win win, MIL gets to see Dd and Dh and Dd has some support.
However I do like dowhatnows suggestion as this gets you a hopefully romantic treat just for two!

Mummyoflittledragon Sat 01-Apr-17 16:44:35

Your dd is a lot older than before and will be a lot more resilient at brooking disappointment and looking after her own feelings. She can tell the time now I imagine. Maybe buy her a cheap mobile and she will be able to call you anytime. Perhaps tell her times when you will definitely be available. A week seems like a long time. I agree that a few days would be better. If your husband is off work, he will be able to go and pick your dd up at relatively short notice on the train.

Mummyoflittledragon Sat 01-Apr-17 16:45:21

He called you a cunt???!!

bloodyfuming9 Sat 01-Apr-17 16:46:39

I'd let her go for the week, but insist on speaking to her daily on the phone. If she wants to come home early, your husband could go and collect her as he has the week booked off anyway.
Future trips can be planned on the basis of how this visit goes.

esiotrot2015 Sat 01-Apr-17 16:50:17

So she's told you to your face your not good enough for her son
And he called you a cunt ?

Lovely family

TheMythOfFingerprints Sat 01-Apr-17 16:51:04

My husband would be staying with his mother, alone, and for a lot longer than a week if he called me a cunt shock

AlternativeTentacle Sat 01-Apr-17 16:52:56

Well if he s going to call you a cunt then start behaving like one. Say no.

CharlieChopstix Sat 01-Apr-17 16:55:25

Your reaction is OTT and your daughter will be feeding off this

Poor woman, trying to be a grandma to her granddaughter. Unless you've got welfare concerns, I think you're being ridiculous

If a week feels too long then suggest four nights or something but don't make this into something it doesn't need to be. I take it she managed to bring up your husband, right?

CharlieChopstix Sat 01-Apr-17 16:56:26

Did he call you a cunt or is that your word?

ThumbWitchesAbroad Sat 01-Apr-17 17:17:42

I think that, if she does go, then you give her the means to contact you if she needs to. Give her a PAYG phone, or something, but make sure she CAN contact you. That would be my biggest thing.

I think going from almost nothing to a week's stay is a bit much - I'd maybe cut it down to 4 or 5 days instead to start with and then a week next time - but if your DD thinks she can hack it, then great. DS1 is just 9, and he wouldn't be able to do a whole week away without either DH or me even now. He did manage 2 nights at camp last year (with the school) but was still very homesick the first night.

Your DH though is being an arse, especially if he actually called you a cunt. That's completely unreasonable, abusive, and makes me wonder why he's so determined that your DD should go without him (or you).

You're being pushed into doing something you're not comfortable with, and that's not really ok.

WellyMummy Sat 01-Apr-17 17:18:02

Your MIL doesn't sound the nicest and your DH doesn't sound the most understanding. Surely there is a compromise to be found?

You work for a week more than DD. Could she travel Monday and return on Friday? 7 nights as a first visit in a long time sounds too long. DH going too or staying nearby also sounds good. Give her a mobile so that she can keep in touch with you independent of MIL or insist on regular phone calls?

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