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Aibu about how I feel about my partners best friend around our kid?

(211 Posts)
HumDrumMum15 Sat 01-Apr-17 12:23:10

My partner has this friend he's known for years but only really spent a lot more time together the last two years. He is genuinely a nice guy and friendly albeit a bit annoying on occasion.

He's great with my 6yr old DS chatting to him about his interests which my son loves and gets annoyed when I say we have to leave or whatever the situation may be.

My concern is that this bloke seems a bit too interested in my son. Anytime he is around his first question is his where abouts and what he's doing. Then tries to get his attention and start the chat. Now I know this doesn't seem unorthodox but I know he's lonely and struggles to find and keep relationships but his 'relationship ' with my son makes me uncomfortable and my partner thinks I'm overthinking this situation. Then comes the point my partner has been out with his friend and brings him back to the house after a few drinks, not drunk but tipsy, and announces his friend is stopping over for the night. Straight away I'm making plans for me to either sleep in the room with my son or to get my son in with me. We have a spare room so space isn't the issue. My alarm bells are ringing so straight away I get my son organised to sleep in my room and my son gets upset because he thinks he's gonna share with my partners best friend. Then best friend says 'it's ok he can stay ill just sleep next to him'. Hell no. It took me saying no 3 times to get this man to understand that this was not happening!!

How does a man in his early 40's not realise that this is a no go??

I know this is one sided and completely my brain in overdrive but tell me I'm not alone in thinking this is unreasonable behaviour on his part???

DJBaggySmalls Sat 01-Apr-17 12:26:23

Massive alarm bells from the behaviour of both men; your DH should not facilitate this.
Contact the NSPCC and get some advice.

ragz134 Sat 01-Apr-17 12:26:41

I would generally say trust your instincts, even if they seem unreasonable, when it comes to child protection.

WorraLiberty Sat 01-Apr-17 12:28:08

I can only go on what you've typed obviously, but imo you sound like you've created a huge, paranoid mountain out of a molehill.

Even the 'no go' part at the end. I mean if you were staying at your best friend's house and their child got upset because they wanted to stay with you, wouldn't you feel as though you were putting everyone out and therefore say, "It's fine" etc etc?

endofthelinefinally Sat 01-Apr-17 12:29:12

Always trust your gut feeling.
How long have you known your partner?

RightOnTheEdge Sat 01-Apr-17 12:30:05

Oh god no, the bit about sleeping next to him is really weird YADNBU about that!

If it's innocent then he is being really thick.

PinkHeart59156816 Sat 01-Apr-17 12:31:05

What's the problem here? Your dp friend likes your son and makes conversation with him? Or because he doesn't mind sharing a room with a child?

My dh friend doesn't have dc of his own as his never settled with anyone and although my dc are babies when he comes over he plays with the dc spends a lot of time with them/asks where they are. He even gets the dc up if he's stayed over and gives them breakfast and me and dh enjoy a late wake up. Dh has known his friend for 20 years so to me it's not problem.

Unless your dp met this man down the pub last week, nothing you've said in your post would give me cause for concern.

00100001 Sat 01-Apr-17 12:32:05

It's a no way in he'll would a stranger be sharing a room, let alone a bed, with my 6 year old son.

If it wasn't for the "I'll sleep next to him" comment. I wouldn't be worried.

As it is, I'd keep a close eye and not leave them alone together.

00100001 Sat 01-Apr-17 12:33:33

I would assume that this man finds it easier to chat to kids, so wouldn't prevent him seeing or taking an interest in my son. It would just be supervised smile

00100001 Sat 01-Apr-17 12:34:28

pinkheart did you read the bit where an unrelated 40 year old offered to share a bed with a 6 year old? confused

WorraLiberty Sat 01-Apr-17 12:34:36

A stranger?

weeblueberry Sat 01-Apr-17 12:35:28

From the first half of your post I thought it might not be that that big a deal tbh.

Then you mentioned he half drunkenly suggested he'd sleep next to him alone? Surely any adult worth their salt wouldn't even suggest this? Even if it is all innocent they'd surely be able to see how it could be misconstrued and would want to avoid any misunderstanding?

JonesyAndTheSalad Sat 01-Apr-17 12:37:15

Worra in what world would anyone at all ever think it's ok for a "friend" to sleep with an unrelated 6 year old child?

Nobody normal would.

HumDrumMum15 Sat 01-Apr-17 12:38:36

He isn't a stranger tho, it's just certain things have made me question him. My partner and I have been together 12 years and we've known his friend about 10 years but only more closely the past 2 years. I will keep my wits about me and no they are not left alone. I just don't know if I am making a mountain out of it and it is innocent. I do think he needs to be told sometimes to keep his distance tho cuz on occasion I have had to say leave him alone when my son has gotten bored or tired and this guy just keeps talking or trying to get his attention. Maybe he is a bit dense. Thanks for the replies tho. I think it's helped just writing out my feelings about this.

Willow2017 Sat 01-Apr-17 12:39:40

Pink
No way is it ok for a 40 year old man to suggest he sleeps with op' s 6 year old!

He is a relative stranger to the kid even if they do get on together.

Wtf is he thinking? Even if it is innocent surely nobody is that daft to think it would be ok?

WorraLiberty Sat 01-Apr-17 12:40:46

It depends on what way you look at it I think.

You're tipsy, your best mate asks you to stay at their house. Straight away their DP is making plans to move beds or move the 3yr old out of his bed. The 3yr old gets upset.

Of course you're going to feel bad and like you're the cause of the upset and putting people out, and probably embarrassed too.

I'm not saying the OP should have told her son he could he sleep next to his dad's tipsy best friend.

I'm just saying it needs putting into context.

And given the first part of the OP's post where I see nothing wrong at all with the guy's behaviour, I think the OP is over reacting.

00100001 Sat 01-Apr-17 12:42:36

Sorry, stranger tinnitus the right word. My mistake.

The point I'm trying to make is, it is a concern that this 40 year old has offered to share a bed with an unrelated 6 year old.

Abuse comes from "family friends" and "Oh yeah, x always is popping in" the abuser often gains through trust of the family as well as the the child.

I'm not saying this man is an abuser. I'm just saying that child protection stories are almost always along the lines of "x person knew the family for years/an upstanding member of the community/helped me out in hard times/came to rely on them/seemed like a nice and genuine person. The parent lets the guard down. Trusts the abuser. Then the abuse happens.

Sorry.

Yes unlikely nothing would happen.

But, all the red flags are there.
(Friend of family. Nice person. Takes interest in child. Offers to sleepover. Says the don't mind sharing room/bed with child.)

It would be foolish to ignore them.

msgrinch Sat 01-Apr-17 12:43:30

Completely agree with worra.

Willow2017 Sat 01-Apr-17 12:44:02

He sounds like he is using your son to make up for the fact he doesn't have kids of his own. Your dh needs to have a word and explain your son isn't a you for his amusement and he has to respect he doesn't want to spend every minute with him when he is there. It's not fair on your son at all
Dh needs to get on top if this now for everyone's sake.

brasty Sat 01-Apr-17 12:44:32

He knows it is not normal for a 40 year old to sleep in the same bed as a friends 6 year old son. He is grooming your son and trying to groom you. It is your job to protect him.

How long have you known your partner?

00100001 Sat 01-Apr-17 12:44:38

I'd rather just be cautious than not.

JonesyAndTheSalad Sat 01-Apr-17 12:45:03

WOrra no...the OP didn't make out she would move the child for the man....just that he'd be sleeping with her.

And it's a 6 year old. Not a 3 year old.

lollypopcorn Sat 01-Apr-17 12:45:32

You have instincts for a reason. Trust them.

I'm shocked that anyone thinks this is okay.

endofthelinefinally Sat 01-Apr-17 12:46:50

My son told me just before he died that someone I considered a friend had attempted to groom him when he was 12.
Suddenly everything clicked into place.
That is why I am saying ALWAYS pay attention to your gut feeling.

brasty Sat 01-Apr-17 12:47:31

I too am shocked that there are people on this thread making excuses for this man.No wonder so many children are abused by friends of the family. Naivety does not even begin to cover it.

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