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should I apologize? (warning trans thread!)

(284 Posts)
startrek90 Sat 01-Apr-17 11:06:24

I have come to AIBU because people don't hold back.

The other day I posted on fb asking if anyone could recommend where I could get a toy kitchen cheap for my little boy. A friend and I were talking in the comments and I mentioned that my ds loves playing in the house at kindergarten and he apparently spends lots of time there. His teachers joked that they knew when I was weaning his brother because he was 'weaning' the baby doll at nursery. My friend and I were doing a general aww thing and then another acquaintance who was female but is now 'trans masculine gender queer' (I still have no idea what that is exactly, I assumed transgender) commented that my 2 year old was obviously identifying as a girl and sent me a link to mermaids?

I disagreed and just said he is a two year old and playing out what he sees. Since then I have benn inundated with stuff talking about trans children and their high risk of suicide.

We are talking everyday there was something else sent to me, I was tagged in etc..

I'll be honest I got pissed off with this as I don't believe in gender anyway so sent a pm very politely saying to stop it. My son is not trans he is 2.

Then there was a very public fb status about ignorant parents and how their kids will grow up to hate them. I know I should have ignored it but I commented again laying out my opinion about gender. I got accused of being a terf, that I was transphobic and my 'daughter' would grow up and either kill himself because of me or cut me out.

I admit I lost it and told this person to do one and fuck off. I blocked them (should have done it straight away) but now I have a mutual friend (who is also transgender but not so political with it) who contaced me in private saying how upset and worried our mutual acquaintance is and that I should unblock them, apologize for telling them to fuck off and make things up.

I don't think I should but was I out of order?

ItsAllGoingToBeFine Sat 01-Apr-17 11:08:21

Do not apologise, you were right and they were wrong. Just because you have strong belief in something doesn't mean you have to try and convert everyone you know. You did the right thing.

Trifleorbust Sat 01-Apr-17 11:08:47

No. Your son's gender identity is none of her business.

NotReallyMeToday Sat 01-Apr-17 11:09:12

Goodness, that seems like a bizarre and extreme reaction. If that's exactly how it happened, of course you're not being U.

TurnipCake Sat 01-Apr-17 11:09:45

They were out of line. I'd keep them blocked.

MrsJaniceBattersby Sat 01-Apr-17 11:09:55

No you weren't
You don't have to unblock anyone
The person is a prat

OttoChocoLab Sat 01-Apr-17 11:11:05

Don't apologise. She sounds like a fruitcake from another planet.

GiddyGiddyGoat Sat 01-Apr-17 11:12:08

The only reason to unblock them would be to tell them to fuck RIGHT off. What on earth would you want to apologise for - OK, maybe for swearing but nothing else surely.

Soubriquet Sat 01-Apr-17 11:13:04

Nope don't apologise

They obviously don't think they were wrong since they still want you to apologise

Your Ds is not trans. He is playing. Time for people to learn toys are toys

Devilishpyjamas Sat 01-Apr-17 11:14:36

God no, they were out of line.

Foslady Sat 01-Apr-17 11:16:16

That's no friend! Your little boy was playing, copying the adults. That does not mean he's making a gender decision, it means he's being a child.

PaulAnkaTheDog Sat 01-Apr-17 11:18:21

Who the fuck thinks that is an acceptable way to behave?! Do not unblock them and do not apologise. You behaved entirely appropriately.

SenoritaViva Sat 01-Apr-17 11:20:00

She is projecting her own experiences/ anxiety on your two year old. Treat your two year old as he wishes and let him grow into whatever he wants. He should back off and stop interfering.
I have friends who are religious, my children believe in god (c of e school), I'd be really peeved at being lectured about taking them to church.

MsGameandWatch Sat 01-Apr-17 11:22:01

I'd be livid. You're not wrong, they are. Identifying a two year old as a girl for playing with a doll? Utter madness.

noeffingidea Sat 01-Apr-17 11:23:10

Do not unblock them, and do not engage in any more discussion about 'gender identity' re your son with anyone.
Your child is a boy who likes playing with various toys. End of discussion.

Chloe84 Sat 01-Apr-17 11:23:59

Definitely don't apologise.

Teabagtits Sat 01-Apr-17 11:24:35

Did you accuse them of being sexist by assuming traditional gender roles such as girls should be in the kitchen? You should have.

trulybadlydeeply Sat 01-Apr-17 11:29:36

I find those comments extremely sexist. That anyone can think that a child who is interested in the home, kitchen, babies has to be female, or want to be female, is outrageous. He's simply a toddler, engaging in role play (a very important developmental.stage) and enjoying himself. What if you had a DD who was pretending to fix a Toyota or something, would she be identifying as a boy? Ridiculous. I had hoped that we had started to move away from stereotypical gender roles and interests. My DD loved playing with trains and choosing clothes from the "boys" section of the shops, and my DS liked nothing better than dressing up as a fairy when he was little ( in fact he took one of my dresses back to uni the other week for a party and still hasn't given it back..) I loved that they have always had the freedom to enjoy being themselves. However if they were little now, I would be absolutely furious if anyone suggested that they were transgender, simply for not conforming to traditional gender stereotypes. (

Allthebestnamesareused Sat 01-Apr-17 11:29:39

Good grief - like all children he is role playing situations he has seen and experienced.

Who is to know at the tender age of 2 what his life will be?


Shallishanti Sat 01-Apr-17 11:30:26

that would piss me right off
does she actually know any children or anything about them? I think all the little boys I knew who grew up with younger bf siblings ALL bf their teddies/cuddly toys, I know DS1 did, he also spent several months only answering to Tracy Gordon (=Gordon Tracy, one of the Thunderbirds)
I did not attach strings to his limbs.
I don't do FB so not sure how it works but perhaps you would have been wiser to block her at the first instance without her knowing?

LonginesPrime Sat 01-Apr-17 11:30:34


I had things the other way - my mother and I used to argue about my son prancing around the garden in fairy outfits (to be fair, she seemed more concerned about what the neighbours would think than about long-term damage to him), and I had to tell her it was none of her business. Because it wasn't.

My kids have grown up relatively free from gender stereotypes at home and they don't appear to hate me for it (although perhaps I should check...).

He's your son and you have a right not to be harassed. It must have been really upsetting for you, and I would have told them where to go too.

Personally, I would avoid social media sharing as I'd had a much more peaceful life since coming off of facebook, but each to their own!

trulybadlydeeply Sat 01-Apr-17 11:31:30

toy car not Toyota, although it was a pleasingly appropriate autocorrect!

gamerchick Sat 01-Apr-17 11:35:00

Keep blocked and tell your mutual friend that you have to interest in anyone with such rigid thinking that they think they have the right to harass someone that's supposed to be a friend like that.

DJBaggySmalls Sat 01-Apr-17 11:35:30

No, their behaviour was inappropriate. they suggested your son would have a high risk of suicide and would hate you, because you let him play with a toy kitchen.
And they called you names. You havent done anything to apologise for. Your friend has a pleasing personality, thats her problem.

Meanwhile, how many famous male chefs can you name?

peeriebear Sat 01-Apr-17 11:36:23

Keep them blocked. YADNBU. Your son does not need a support group or an assessment, he wants to play in a toy kitchen ffs. My DS is 4 and has trucks and prams, bows and arrows and jewellery boxes, fairy wings and light sabres! Your ex friend is projecting massively- it may come from a place of concern but that is not relevant when they have been warned off and have doubled down instead of leaving you alone.

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