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to think my mum isn't very nice?

(19 Posts)
Gracey1231 Sat 01-Apr-17 09:10:33

Had some personal issues with her from my childhood which we resolved, but I think it's boiling down to "I just don't like her"

My mum is a hypocrite, she'll ask me about my friends and call them names, like slags, bitches, psycho's for things like boyfriend trouble etc, which I can't say anything in their defence. However, i called a girl from her work boring and a sly cow and all hell broke loose, I can't have an opinion unless it is the same as hers. My mum will never be in the wrong and she never apologises, she has to be one cut above and constantly brings up negative things that my dad has said about me in arguments which upsets me as he passed away 2 years ago.

If I ask her not to do something she gets defensive and aggressive, I get spoken to like a 5 year old and if I ever need to borrow money for a bus pass or something I am a scrounger (I'm a law student workin part time) and a "fucking pisstaker" but she will tell anyone how caring she is and how nice she is

My mum has constantly made herself the centre of grief with my dads family, and if I say anything that I've had no support she shouts at me because "she's fucking supportive to me" which is a lie as she never even asks

AIBU to basically think my mum is vile?

(Planning on moving out very very soon)

TestingTestingWonTooFree Sat 01-Apr-17 09:12:27

She doesn't sound nice. You sound like you need to distance yourself. In the short term, stop engaging on matters that you know will bring out her nasty side.

Rainydayspending Sat 01-Apr-17 09:15:19

Yes. She is vile. You really don't need to talk about anyone in the nasty terms that both of you seem to use as standard. Especially the sort of language reducing women to sexual objects. That's foul and ignorant. So thanks for that.
Probably bollocks though.

helpimitchy Sat 01-Apr-17 09:19:56

You both sound awful by calling people those filthy names hmm

I think you make good company for each other so I'd crack on if I were you.

Gracey1231 Sat 01-Apr-17 09:34:33

helpimitchy - I referred to someone at her work as those things because of something she did personal to me.

rainydayspending - I hardly call people things unless they have done something to hurt me, it isn't bollocks. My mother calls me a slag on a regular basis so

ohdoadoodoo Sat 01-Apr-17 09:35:49

She sounds like a vile human being and I'd cut her off totally.

ShowMePotatoSalad Sat 01-Apr-17 09:38:52

I'd never speak to my child the way she speaks to you. You need money for a bus pass and you're studying? And she begrudges lending you the money or even giving it to you? That's awful. Parents are supposed to help their children get on their way in life. She sounds so unsupportive and mean.

I'm sorry about your dad's passing. She should be kinder and realise that regardless of how she felt about him, YOU loved him. I absolutely cannot abide people who try to turn their child against the other parent. It's unforgiveable.

flowers

VeryButchyRestingFace Sat 01-Apr-17 09:39:29

I think you make good company for each other so I'd crack on if I were you.

Oh, do shut up. OP has an abusive parent.

OP, do you have to wait until you graduate before moving out?

notaflyingmonkey Sat 01-Apr-17 09:49:57

She sounds like she has issues which she needs to work on.

Can you try and take the sting out of these conversations by not reacting? Hard I know, but it sounds like she is provoking you deliberately, so try not to give her the oxygen she needs for a row.

Marvellousmarg Sat 01-Apr-17 09:58:35

Have a look at some websites on narcisstic personality disorder (NPD). There a good one daughters of narcisstic mothers that has lots of helpful info.

She sounds like my mum. She had this. It sounds like it's not you. It's her.

I moved out as soon as I could and limited contact with her.

Marvellousmarg Sat 01-Apr-17 09:59:23

And sorry about your dad 💐

MrsMackenzo Sat 01-Apr-17 09:59:42

YANBU flowers

She sounds not only nasty but fairly manipulative, thinking about what you said with regards to her saying one thing to you and trying to project a different image to everyone else. I've met - and know - many people like that before and the best way they can be described is toxic.

I'd stay civil with her for now. Try and stick clear of topics that will provoke a bad response, and perhaps, if you feel like the time is right, maybe try and calmly discuss your feelings with her. After all - you managed to resolve past issues with her.

Mind if I ask how long ago your dad died? Just a thought over the way the grief could have affected her.

Gracey1231 Sat 01-Apr-17 10:01:25

She's been like this all my life, he's been dead 2 years and she will tell anyone about her "meltdowns"

floraeasy Sat 01-Apr-17 10:05:48

A lot of this reminds me of my mum. The tales I could tell. Nightmare!

I read the daughters of narcissistic mothers stuff a pp refers to and i recognise my mother a lot in that.

Things will get much better when you move out. Distance always helps. How about counselling for you? The damage she has likely done to you over the years may have gone deeper than you think.

You can recover from this and break the cycle.

flowers

nicenewdusters Sat 01-Apr-17 10:21:19

I'd be so hurt if a friend treated me in this way. If it was my mum I'd be devastated.

Until you can move out I'd disengage as much as possible. Don't ask for any favours, don't share personal information, don't give or request opinions.

I'm sorry for the loss of your dad. Your mum should be a comfort to you in that.

Hopethisoneisnottaken Sat 01-Apr-17 10:27:32

YANBU... she seems to be a narcissist. my hubby's dad is like that and even if hubby is 40 now with 2 dc, my fil does not hesitate in insulting hubby for any silly reason at get-togethers. we just found distancing ourselves from him a good solution. as no matter how much you try to ignore what he says... it still hurts. so i would distance myself from your mum as soon as you are ready.

saoirse31 Sat 01-Apr-17 10:54:27

Sooner u can move out the better. You'll never get support from her or respect or even just decency. Speaking from experience.

I've had this all my life and nothing changes. Any challenging leads to great offense, vitriolic emails, self pity etc etc. She's never wrong. At a distance its sad but in the moment its awful.

And given that she only behaves like this with family, its a choice, not something she can't help. Its awful tho the effect someone like that can have on the entire family.

Protect yourself , get away as soon as u can and reduce contact as much as u are comfortable with.

Sugarpiehoneyeye Sat 01-Apr-17 11:02:53

Gracey, I'm so sorry that you have lost your Dad. 💐
Your Mother has a vitriolic tongue, she should be very careful that she doesn't swallow it, it may poison her !
Move out Sweet, you'll be much happier, in the long run.

ThePiglet59 Sat 01-Apr-17 11:10:15

She sounds foul. The sooner you can move out and go NC the better I think. Good luck

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