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To expect a phone call/text before visiting me in hospital?

(122 Posts)
sweetheart87 Fri 31-Mar-17 23:15:27

I had my little girl by C. Section on Wednesday morning. We decided to not have visitors on Wednesday and to allow grandparents visit on Thursday. My mum and my husbands mum visited yesterday and stayed for a little while but my dad was working and couldn't make it.
Now the AIBU bit is my mum told me my dad was working most of the weekend and they would try visit again at some point so I said that's no problem but can you let me know if you're visiting as only 2 people are allowed visit at a time and also I really want to get breastfeeding established properly before going home so I won't be having visitors during feeding as I'm not comfortable feeding in front of people yet. Tonight I was in my cubicle topless feeding skin to skin and my dad walks in. I'm really upset and I had to stop feeding and then felt very uncomfortable for the entire visit. Im upset as he never sent a text to say he was visiting or planned to visit just arrived up. It's not the it's time this has been done a while back I was admitted in hospital overnight with severe vomitting in early pregnancy and my parents just arrived up without so much as a text to or phone call.

Piehunter Fri 31-Mar-17 23:24:42

When I had an extended hospital stay all sorts of people I don't even see regularly rocked up to see me without okaying it with me first! I was very very unwell, vomiting far too often to be social, it'd been 14 days since my hair had been washed, I was consistently bleeding through my pj's from my open festering surgical wound and I was off my face on iv pump of morphine for days. It was horrible and added to my lack of control over the situation. Unfortunately once people got the information on where I was (ward wise) they felt it ok to just "pop in"!! There wasn't even a cute baby to be seen!

Aria2015 Fri 31-Mar-17 23:25:12

I can see why you may feel uncomfortable being topless in front of people, especially in the early stages of breast feeding but I think your dad was probably just excited to see you and maybe didn't think. Also for the time you were unwell, I think just a spontaneous visit from parents is probably normal. They were most likely worried and just wanted to check you were ok.

Try not to let it get to you. You've just had a gorgeous baby! I know it's hard to get the breastfeeding down but that little interruption won't set you back. If it really bothers you maybe just mention it again to one or both of your parents.

AntagonyAunt Sat 01-Apr-17 00:40:23

You will need to be clear and explain why you need them to ask you when would be best to visit and let them know why it's important that they stick to that time. Also let them know why short visits are best. The visits just need to fit in with your priorities.

sonyaya Sat 01-Apr-17 01:16:28

Congratulations on the little one!

Sorry but my vote is that YABU. Unless there are issues between you and your dad ( and you don't say so), I think he's entitled to expect he can visit his daughter in hospital at visiting time. He was just excited. Ii would cut him some slack.

BackforGood Sat 01-Apr-17 01:43:00

I agree with the others. I wouldn't expect a parent (or other person close to me) to have to text / message / ask before visiting me. Indeed, I would be very sad if any of them felt they couldn't just drop in.

Topseyt Sat 01-Apr-17 01:46:09

I never really get this.

I would always have been more upset if my parents didn't visit when I was in hospital. I would have felt cut off, and that they didn't care.

If anything I would like to see them mire when I am ill or in any difficult situation. It can't happen much now as they are elderly and no longer comfortable travelling much (we don't live close).

If they hadn't come to see me whenever I had a baby I would have been most disappointed.

Maybe that is just me though. It is certainly the impression I often get when reading on here.

Semaphorically Sat 01-Apr-17 01:46:12

I think it's reasonable to want people to confirm before they visit. I hate surprise visits.

You can let the staff on the ward know you don't want visitors unless you've confirmed someone is coming? For exactly the reasons you've outlined?

Topseyt Sat 01-Apr-17 01:50:22

Texting would not be possible with my parents. They just don't do technology at all. They have an old brick of a mobile phone which is hardly ever switched on and they wouldn't know what a text message was if one fell from the sky and landed on their heads.

Megatherium Sat 01-Apr-17 06:51:10

YABU. It was nice of your father to go to visit you, and he was probably excited to see the baby. It just isn't the norm to expect to phone someone before you visit. Anyway, you shouldn't have the phone switched on if you're in hospital - it's incredibly distracting to other potentially ill people if it's ringing or beeping, or if you're having loud conversations.

Bluntness100 Sat 01-Apr-17 06:59:30

I'd also say it's not the norm to text or call someone when you visit them in hospital. I'm also sure he was not being malicious, simply when they opportunity arose he came over to visit. It's reasonable he would want to see you and your new child. I'd assume no one really realised they were not permitted to visit without advance notification same as when you were admitted last time.

Writerwannabe83 Sat 01-Apr-17 07:16:49

I think YABU - your dad was just excited about the baby and would have wanted to check you were ok.

When I had my c-section my first Visitors arrived about 4 hours after I was back on the ward and for 3 days whilst in hospital various people arrived and I didn't expect them to call or text beforehand.

Im not sure how you can say you don't want visitors during feed times as a breast feeding baby is usually on the breast all the time and will be for months so you are going to have to get used to people being around during feeding times.

I remember the day after I had my son my FIL visited me in hospital for a few hours and he got a right eyeful of my boobs a few times I'm sure grin

Congratulations on your baby - don't let yourself get stressed over this issue, it really isn't worth it.

springflowers11 Sat 01-Apr-17 07:24:12

Its not the norm to book ahead before hospital visit yabu

SilenceOfThePrams Sat 01-Apr-17 07:30:10

Hospital regular here, and nearly everyone who visits texts first to check. Common sense really - are you up for a visit? Need me to bring anything? I can do this morning or tomorrow evening, which is best?

Means we can refuse visits at difficult times, spread them out a bit, be in control.

Under no circumstances would I want any visitor walking in without warning - at the very least, ward clerk or HCA popping a head around the curtains to check now is a good time.

QueenOfTheCatBastards Sat 01-Apr-17 07:34:09

Not unreasonable at all. Anybody who would drop in unannounced to visit somebody in hospital after major surgery is a cockwomble. It's not like you can just happen to be passing, it's a premeditated action, and part of that premeditation needs to be having the manners to call and check if it's ok first.

intheknickersoftime Sat 01-Apr-17 07:36:49

I do get why you would feel that way and it must have been frustrating but i think you were a little bit unreasonable. But you've had a c section, you're feel vulnerable, you've got a lovely baby and i bet you're dad was excited. I would try and let it go.

Tiptoethr0ughthetulips Sat 01-Apr-17 07:45:08

YABU, it's an excited grandparent wanting to meet their new grandchild. Whilst I would not want to be totally topless infront of my dad, I certainly did breastfeed infront of all my family otherwise I'd have spent most of the first few months isolated.

I think in your situation I'd have just asked my dad to wait outside until I'd finished.

QueenOfTheCatBastards Sat 01-Apr-17 07:45:32

I wouldn't have let it go. I would have said that it wasn't a good time and to try ringing later.

It's fucking rude to just assume that somebody in a vulnerable position is ready for visitors. I can't comprehend the stupidity of it all.

WateryTart Sat 01-Apr-17 07:46:13

YABU and a bit precious.

Andrewofgg Sat 01-Apr-17 07:49:01

flowers on the baby. No, he should have contained his impatience.

GlitterRollerSkate Sat 01-Apr-17 07:52:09

Oh darling I understand how you feel. Good on you for persevering with bf. But that's is your dad. He probably wanted to see his little girl and her little girl and make sure you are all okay. He should have text or rung but some people are like that. None of my family or my husband's family rung us they just rocked up. My fil came in while I was naked from the waist up. I was really embarrassed but you get over it.

Congratulations xx

0nTheEdge Sat 01-Apr-17 07:59:20

YANBU I've spent a lot of time in hospital and it's important to know about visits. What if ten people all turned up at once unannounced? What if your dad wanted to visit at an already booked to time? You could rearrange the other people to prioritise your dad, but you need warning to do that! As for the curtain, it's a big thing as it's your only privacy when you're feeling vulnerable. You could have been dressing, checking your stitches, feeding, or anything! It's polite to ask before entering a cubicle just like you wouldn't walk unannounced into someone's bedroom.
I can well imagine how you're feeling op and really sympathise, but also remember you're likely tired and full of hormones so be careful how you approach it with your dad if you raise it as he's probably oblivious. Gently let him know why it's good to txt first and reaffirm that you really want to see him for visits (if that is the case).

SharkBastard Sat 01-Apr-17 08:02:45

YANBU just because you've had a baby you're not public property. It is courtesy to mention an intention to visit especially in a hospital!!!

I would have been mortified, I'm due soon and I'm not allowing visits other than my mum and sisters. As soon as I'm home, the door is open for visitors.

Congratulations on becoming a mum, enjoy your time and don't feel bad for being upset about this

larni13 Sat 01-Apr-17 08:03:59

I agree with the majority of posters I think YABU. I understand that you've had a c-section and are not feeling the best you've ever felt, but it's your Dad. A man who wants to meet his grandbaby and see that his daughter is OK for himself.
He'll have been excited and deserves the benefit of the doubt.
I understand asking friends to text before turning up, but family especially close family as in parents is odd and I'd never have dreamt of doing that.

Just let it go, and focus on your beautiful new baby there's going to be alot of things you put measures in to control, but can't in the upcoming months and years.

TestingTestingWonTooFree Sat 01-Apr-17 08:09:56

Yanbu. You gave instructions to your mum who should have passed them on and your dad should have followed them. It can feel like you have very little control over your life when in hospital and post baby so I don't blame you for not wanting more surprises.

However, it's happened now. It wasn't malicious. If he'd arranged to come you might well have been feeding the baby then. Try not to dwell on it. Congratulations!

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