To feel so upset with my friend?(39 Posts)
To cut a long story short my friend's husband left her - at her time of need. When she was incredibly poorly. She has a small child. I was incredibly supportive and so angry with her DH.
He gave no reason for leaving her - he just left and went to live with friends.
Fast forward a year - today I found out they've got back together - but got back together 6 months ago. We've been on day trips together. Her Dc has been to our house a few times. I see her everyday on the school run.
I accidentally found out today from mutual friend who just assumed I knew as I see my friend more than she does! Their relationship has come up in conversation and she's asked me not to mention her DH in front of her child etc.
When she told me they had split I was in tears for her - I was so upset for her as she was very ill and has little or no family.
I don't know how to feel. We've been friends for a few years. I feel like it's something about me that she felt she couldn't tell me.
I don't even know what to say to her when I see her again.
Our mutual friend said to say she's told me and just say she thought I knew.
AIBU to be upset? I don't know what I've done wrong. At the same time I don't want to make it about me BUT seems everyone but I knew this... I feel very hurt.
I know it's her business - but I feel a fool
Maybe your friend sensed you'd vehemently disapprove and couldn't be doing with the aggro?
You do sound quite invested, although it's hard to judge from one post whether overly so.
Maybe she thought you would judge her for it?
My sister can do the same, she is on-off with her boyfriend(currently off) and every time she gets back together with him she won't tell us. I think she feels embarrassed or feel we will judge her and think she is a fool etc because she knows we hate him but we never do. Just let her get on with it while quietly hoping next time she stays away from him.
It's not always easy to admit you have gone back to a man that hurt you to those who know what happened.
Next time let her find another shoulder to cry on. .
And find a new friend. .
She has no respect for your friendship if you were the last to know. .
Yes that's what I thought. No not overly invested. I know it's her business. I guess it's just everyone knew except me and I see her the most!
But yes I thought that's the case as I was so upset for her when it happened - that's how she feels - she perhaps feels I would disapprove. I don't at all - I'm very much an each to their own sort of person as long as it's not illegal!
I just feel sad that she didn't tell me and I had to find out from elsewhere.
Not sure what to say when I see her - I'll wait for her to tell me.
Only in Feb I saw her DH in Tesco and was asking about his new flat! Thinking back on it he looked sheepish!! Maybe he wondered whether I knew or not - obviously I didn't!
I think that is horrible actually, I would consider it a pretty major lie and would wonder what else she could be dishonest about
I guess you saw her at her lowest, and know exactly how badly he behaved. So she probably feels awkward about how you'll react (and maybe embarrassed for going back to him).
My Mum had a similar thing with a neighbour- though the neighbour's husband had an affair. Neighbour and husband got back together and moved hundreds of miles away to 'start again'. She ignored my Mum in the street until they moved. Which Mum was hurt by, as she'd given her a lot of emotional support.
My best friend took three months to tell me she was back with her now husband after he cheated on her and left her sobbing into my shoulder for months.
She felt embarrassed and like she'd betrayed me a bit.
I just made it clear it was her life and I'd always support her even if I didn't agree with her.
It took me a lot longer to forgive the hurt he inflicted than it did her, but then I didn't love him, she did.
They've been fine ever since. It was a stupid young man mistake.
OP-I appreciate that this might be clutching at straws but is there any remote chance that the mutual friend might be confused or deliberately stirring? Is it possible that this isn't actually true? If you value this friendship why not just ask her directly about it all?
Maybe she felt embarassed to tell you. You have to tell her you know in a non judgemental supportive way
It is sad, but i think she is probably embarrassed that she is back with him after leaning on you so much before and didnt want to be up front with you. hard to know why - us humans are just weird sometimes.
Just say , next time you see her, i hear your back together now and see what she says.
So she's spent the last six months lying to you? And must have known that at some point, you'd find out, either through mutual friends (as happened) or through the kids letting the cat out of the bag?
I wonder how she impressed on her kids that they're not to talk about daddy when around you? Because they've been to play at your house in this time, and whilst she'd manipulatively asked you not to mention their father in front of them (yes - I consider that manipulative, it was done to achieve an end other than the one you though it was for, namely to not upset the children) - what was to stop them mentioning that daddy's back home?
YANBU to be upset with your friend. It is the natural reaction to finding that someone you trusted lied repeatedly to you. It's all very well to think that she was embarrassed to tell you, thought you'd judge her - but in the end, what it boils down to is that she thought it was OK for you to feel embarrassed when someone else told you the truth - the truth they thought you'd know. It was OK for you to feel judged by her, as not able to hear the truth from her.
She's a bit of a shit friend.
Yanbu - Sounds like she is embarrassed to tell you after she unloaded when they broke up. So sad when this happens, next step is her distancing herself from you because she'll assume you judge her for getting back with someone who treated her and the DCs like crap. Shame
Your only option if you want to try maintain a friendship is to confront the situation sympathetically.
Sorry guys not been replying - well she popped by for a coffee today - she talked a lot of 'we' but she's often done that when they split - as they had an amicable relationship because of their
Today I talked about the fact they were seeking to sell the house - giving plenty of opportunities to tell me but she hasn't. I didn't have the energy to confront her - it was hard work for me as inside I am feeling so hurt and upset. I don't know where I stand anymore. Anyway I'm not her best friend and she has other friends
No our mutual friend isn't a stirrer it actually upset her to tell me today - the only reason she did was because I said I was concerned about how friend (whose DH left her) was getting on - that she looked to be coping really well but I knew how upset she had been when they broke up!! Little did I know they're coping so well cos they're back together
It's actually given me a headache - I'm genuinely hurt and never felt like this before. I do feel betrayed.
A criend did this to me. In my situation I'd left my exH. She has an awful explosive relationship with her husband. One time he'd gone and for weeks I spent evenings days and even nights camped out with her. Reassuring her, helping her organise paperwork, discuss how to tell her parents. Then we sort of eased up. I thought she had turned a corner. They'd actually started "dating". 2 months later he moved back in. I found out by accident. I came across an item of her sons after I'd been babysitting her son at mine. Instead of waiti g until I saw her I decided to randomly take my children on the long walk to hers. Of course on the drive were her husband's two cars. I thought it might be a bit tense but I knocked expecting a row/ him taking his stuff. They were all sat down to dinner.
Rather than explain she avoided me for about 3 months. Eventually she said she couldn't tell me because she knew she ought to leave him and she knew I'd want her to. I do. But I can't make her. We still talk but I don't do as much for her. I don't ask about her husband either. She's unhappy with him.
I did feel betrayed by the lies and sad she chose that life.
I think I would have to say something op. It will eat away at you otherwise.
I often saw his car- but I know he would help with the school run etc I just didn't click.
Well I know it's not about 'me' per se but still I think it would have been courteous of her to tell me.
Makes me feel like I can't help or be there for someone again.
Sorry to hear everyone's stories. Least it's not uncommon
Is there any possibility you have said bad things about him when they'd split up? I don't mean in a nasty way, but it is easy to get swept along with "Well, I never liked him much anyway, he's a bit of a creep." when your friend is crying on your shoulder and you think you are being supportive. Then they get back together but friend remembers what you said about him.
I've seen this happen a few times, so just wondered if there's any chance it was the case here.
No not really. I didn't judge him. In fact I was careful not too. I do know friends of hers who said worse! I said if I saw him I wouldn't know what I would say. But that I was so upset with him for leaving her when she was incredibly poorly.
But I did say I was so disappointed in him that he left her at her absolute time of need. She had no one and was so ill.
But when I did see him we just talked as usual really. Would see at school etc
Would you walk away from the friendship? I feel she has had plenty of opportunity to tell me. In the sense I'm happy to keep it civil but I can't have someone in my house if they're lying to me?
Yes, I'd walk away from the friendship, or at least dial it down to civil acquaintances. Her deliberate deception would feel like an utter betrayal.
It would be sad as our DC are good friends. However yes I'm happy to keep it civil. I was often the driving force behind get togethers anyway.
So it won't take much to walk away.
The DC can still be friends and we can still be civil.
She's focussed on other friendships anyway I've noticed recently so I'm not bothered. Just feel sad. I wasn't overly invested but I guess I've just never felt like this before.
It's sounds like she maybe feels you've crossed the line criticising her husband for his behaviour when they split and when things got better felt she couldn't confide in you anymore.
Lesson learned I guess, be there for a friend but be careful what you say.
Just say nothing and step back
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