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to feel uncomfortable with what's going on?

(13 Posts)
Girlonatubetrain Fri 31-Mar-17 13:33:15

Ok, so will try and keep it brief,

So the background
A woman and her family moved into our street a couple of years back and have since then, become very good family friends. Our DHs get on well, kids in same school, help each other with childcare etc.

End of last year, DF had an affair, her DH knows since the new year and they have been trying to save their marriage. She is unsure she wants to stay in her marriage but her DH loves her and they are trying to fix things (she has told me this week she is still unhappy to I’m guessing the marriage will end). The OM is out of the picture now, from what she says.

DF claims that the stress of her unhappy marriage and the resulting affair have caused her to have a nervous breakdown. She is on anti-depressants. I have spent many an hour listening to her being upset with her life in general and do regard her as a good friend, who needs people to lean on.

And my problem –
My DH has his own business very close to our homes. I work from home quite a bit. Over the last couple of weeks, whenever I’ve popped in to see DH when on a lunch break etc, she has been there. I have even offered to drop her home when I leave and she has said, she’ll hang back for a bit. It sounds ridiculous, but my DH even has her preferred brand of beverage there for when she visits, but not mine!

I spoke to DH about it last week as I feel its crossing a line and am very uncomfortable about it. DH reassures me there is nothing to worry about. He then started to tell me about how she’s just going through a mental rough patch and how she’d msgd him the other morning that she was struggling to get out of bed!

Everytime I pop in to visit, which is max twice a week and only for 10mins at a time, he makes out he is really busy and doesn’t really speak to me but just gets on with his work. So how can she always be there if he is ignoring her in the same way? So can only assume, when she’s there, he has time for her?

I get that she is having a hard time at the moment. I also understand she needs support and friends. It may be that she is just using him as an emotional crutch like shes used me the last few months. But . . . . I still feel that they are crossing a line and I am unhappy about it. To know they are spending so much time together (& that’s just the ones I know about) and now to know that they are PMing each other rather than the group chat with the 2 wives and 2 husbands on it, doesn’t sit well with me . . .

I love my DH and do trust him, but still feel very uncomfortable about the whole situation. DH and I have since fallen out since the start of this week because of this and are barely on speaking terms.

Im sure his reason would be I haven’t done anything wrong, I’m just supporting DF and DW is blowing it into something bigger.
But AIBU to feel this way? What do I do?

YetAnotherSpartacus Fri 31-Mar-17 13:40:02

Honestly? I would not trust him. This sounds horribly fishy to me. I guess that is not what you wanted to hear though.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants Fri 31-Mar-17 13:45:50

I wouldn't be happy either. Too much experience of this sort of thing not ending well in my larger social circle. Not sure what I would do. Ultimatums only work if you are prepared to carry them through IMHO. Sorry Girl flowers

ImYourMama Fri 31-Mar-17 13:51:18

Sorry OP but this would ring great big alarm bells for me.

livefornaps Fri 31-Mar-17 13:51:58

This is so inappropriate!

Go round and see her and approach the matter in a friendly "what are you doing?" way. Don't get angry & keep your cool. Act like you're baffled in a "how can you think this appropriate?" way. Keep friendly. Don't give her anything to kick up against.

If your husband then speaks to you about it then tell him of course you had to say something her behaviour is entirely inappropriate. Don't get angry, but do not budge

NeverTwerkNaked Fri 31-Mar-17 13:59:27

Yanbu; this would ring alarms bells for me. (and I have no issue with my partner having female friends)

RatherBeRiding Fri 31-Mar-17 14:05:47

Completely inappropriate, and if neither of them can comprehend just how inappropriate it is then I guess that's because they are neither of them bothered that it is, and also not bothered that you have a problem with it!

Your DH especially is behaving badly I'm afraid. Supporting a friend through a rough patch is one thing, but you've told him it makes you uncomfortable and that should be the end of it.

dawnviews Fri 31-Mar-17 14:11:00

Next time you go and she's there just say "oh glad you're here, i was gong to pop round but we can all chat together here" make a brew, make yourself comfy and make it clear you're staying for the duration.See if busy hubby still has no time to talk.

ohgoshIdontknow Fri 31-Mar-17 14:44:09

This rings massive alarm bells.

Even if there's nothing to it, your DH needs to stop this happening as it is upsetting for you.

But I'd make sure there's nothing to it as it sounds well dodgy to me, I'm afraid.

PorkyPandora Fri 31-Mar-17 14:49:28

You sure your DH isn't the 'OM'?

AyeAmarok Fri 31-Mar-17 14:58:03

If you're keeping things from your spouse, and getting defensive about that when challenged, you have a guilty conscience.

Girlonatubetrain Fri 31-Mar-17 15:03:09

sorry, just saw this hasite double posted
I have been replying on the other thread

thank you
a lot to think about

ThePiglet59 Fri 31-Mar-17 21:16:17

You need to be quite brutal and fuck her off.
You know that she is a cheating cow. He needs to be given the facts of life too

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