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to feel uncomfortable with what's going on?

(526 Posts)
Girlonatubetrain Fri 31-Mar-17 13:31:32

Ok, so will try and keep it brief,

So the background
A woman and her family moved into our street a couple of years back and have since then, become very good family friends. Our DHs get on well, kids in same school, help each other with childcare etc.

End of last year, DF had an affair, her DH knows since the new year and they have been trying to save their marriage. She is unsure she wants to stay in her marriage but her DH loves her and they are trying to fix things (she has told me this week she is still unhappy to I’m guessing the marriage will end). The OM is out of the picture now, from what she says.

DF claims that the stress of her unhappy marriage and the resulting affair have caused her to have a nervous breakdown. She is on anti-depressants. I have spent many an hour listening to her being upset with her life in general and do regard her as a good friend, who needs people to lean on.

And my problem –
My DH has his own business very close to our homes. I work from home quite a bit. Over the last couple of weeks, whenever I’ve popped in to see DH when on a lunch break etc, she has been there. I have even offered to drop her home when I leave and she has said, she’ll hang back for a bit. It sounds ridiculous, but my DH even has her preferred brand of beverage there for when she visits, but not mine!

I spoke to DH about it last week as I feel its crossing a line and am very uncomfortable about it. DH reassures me there is nothing to worry about. He then started to tell me about how she’s just going through a mental rough patch and how she’d msgd him the other morning that she was struggling to get out of bed!

Everytime I pop in to visit, which is max twice a week and only for 10mins at a time, he makes out he is really busy and doesn’t really speak to me but just gets on with his work. So how can she always be there if he is ignoring her in the same way? So can only assume, when she’s there, he has time for her?

I get that she is having a hard time at the moment. I also understand she needs support and friends. It may be that she is just using him as an emotional crutch like shes used me the last few months. But . . . . I still feel that they are crossing a line and I am unhappy about it. To know they are spending so much time together (& that’s just the ones I know about) and now to know that they are PMing each other rather than the group chat with the 2 wives and 2 husbands on it, doesn’t sit well with me . . .

I love my DH and do trust him, but still feel very uncomfortable about the whole situation. DH and I have since fallen out since the start of this week because of this and are barely on speaking terms.

Im sure his reason would be I haven’t done anything wrong, I’m just supporting DF and DW is blowing it into something bigger.
But AIBU to feel this way? What do I do?

Happyandhungry Fri 31-Mar-17 13:33:49

Errr.... who did she have an affair with?! Do you know the other man?! Is it your husband?!

sonlypuppyfat Fri 31-Mar-17 13:34:01

Alarm bells!

Falafelings Fri 31-Mar-17 13:35:19

Do you think she's after your DH

Girlonatubetrain Fri 31-Mar-17 13:37:51

affair was with one of her oldest friends.
definitely not my husband.

DH has always called her a nutter as she is so highly strung and high maintenance. We're all good friends and he's even said that directly to her and her DH.

DH has said to me the fact that she had an affair has really lowered his opinion of her (doesn't seem to stop them watsapping each other though!)

Sweets101 Fri 31-Mar-17 13:38:09

What Happy said, do you know who the OM is?
Even if nothing is going on it's still disrespectful to you. He is acting as if she comes above you in terms of his time and care. You have told him it makes you uncomfortable, it would make most people uncomfortable!

Girlonatubetrain Fri 31-Mar-17 13:38:54

I genuinely don't think she's after DH. just she needs crutches emotionally and attaches herself to people easily. but surely DH should know better?

Sweets101 Fri 31-Mar-17 13:40:01

So he thinks she's a nutter, highly strung and high maintenance but would still rather have a visit from her at work then you?

Bluntness100 Fri 31-Mar-17 13:41:02

I'm not sure you do trust him, because if you did you wouldn't be concerned about this to the extent you're now barely speaking to each other. You're also comparing how much time he makes available to uou and how much time he makes available to her.

On one hand if it's just friends would you have the same issue if it was the man who was popping round. I think not. So you don't trust him and suspect he may be interested in her and you feel threatened. And if he does just see it as friends then he shouldn't end a friend ship due to your insecurities and he could be offended at your lack of trust.

On the other side, if you explain uou feel jealous and insecure, he should try to extracate himself and manage this better

On her side, I wouldn't do this. To spend time with s friends husband and spend a lot of alone time with him isn't something I would do unless we were friends from before he got with uou. So I do wonder what her motivation is too.

Girlonatubetrain Fri 31-Mar-17 13:41:11

so it would seem

Sweets101 Fri 31-Mar-17 13:41:17

Yes he should!! It's incredibly thoughtless and disrespectful to you and your relationship. And that's putting it kindly and giving him the benefit of the doubt.

MadameCholetsDirtySecret Fri 31-Mar-17 13:41:36

So she had an affair with an old friend. She doesn't might shitting in her doorstep - so she won't mind doing it again.

Girlonatubetrain Fri 31-Mar-17 13:45:25

Bluntness - this is why I ask if Iabu

I have no reason to not trust him. at all.

but she is always there and now I know they are PMing

she has previously raved about DH a few months ago while comparing to her failing marriage
and I jokingly said it was like she had a crush on him
she had admitted it was a little bit
I had even told DH and he'd been mortified at the thought.

would I feel this way if it was a man? no.
and again, reaffirms why I worry I am being unreasonable

ClemDanfango Fri 31-Mar-17 13:47:20

Why does he have time for her and not you when you pop in? That's disrespectful as he's prioritising her needs over yours. Preferred drink too, that's just taking the piss, the fact he's ignoring how you feel about and now is not speaking to you is out of order, the private convos need to stop too, how works she feel if you and her DH were doing all this? How would your DH feel if you were doing this with her DH? Maybe you should ask them both.

MargotLovedTom1 Fri 31-Mar-17 13:49:00

Well, it's not a man, it's a woman who has previously had an affair with a friend and had admitted to having a crush on your DH. Of course YANBU and your DH is being a bit thick if he can't see he's at the top of a slippery slope.

Girlonatubetrain Fri 31-Mar-17 13:51:05

so I even joked to her about how uncomfortable I was with it all (don't want to come across as a jealous fishwife)
her 1st response was - you can have my DH if you want hmm
2nd response was - there's nothing going on - your DH loves you and cannot live with you

my DH just says - you know I wouldn't do that

oh and as to why we are not talking - it's not that it's to that extent - it's just my DH and how he deals with arguments. Whole other thread and I really don't want to derail

Sweets101 Fri 31-Mar-17 13:51:45

Is it that she's a woman, or this woman in particular?
I would be pissed off if my (admittedly imaginary) DH was happy to regularly entertain his mate at work, keep his favourite drinks in etc, but couldn't spare a minute when I popped it.

NancyDonahue Fri 31-Mar-17 13:51:50

What is the nature of the private messages? Does dh let you see them?

CalmItKermitt Fri 31-Mar-17 13:53:13

I think he knows she's got a crush and is thoroughly enjoying it.

I wouldn't put up with this at all.

Bluntness100 Fri 31-Mar-17 13:54:37

I don't know to be honest. I think if you trust him implicitly why should he not be friends with her and spend time with her. Her crush is irrelevant of you know he would never go there.

Conversely I think uou never really know someone and I can see why it would make you uncomfortable. It would feel dodgy to me too, but i would probably say as much as I trust my husband, I don't know for sure and their closeness and private time makes me uncomfortable, especially if I considered her attractive or his type sort of thing.

Twatxit Fri 31-Mar-17 13:55:57

There's no legitimate excuse for it to be honest. It's not appropriate and I woukd not be happy.

PetallyTyrants Fri 31-Mar-17 13:56:26

I don't think your DH is mortified that she has a crush on him - it's probably given his ego a boost. Hence, he's ditched the Tesco's own brand and splashed out on Gold Blend.

MargotLovedTom1 Fri 31-Mar-17 13:57:11

It's not simply spending time with her though. It's the fact that OP gets shooed out when she visits her DH, while this woman is welcomed with her favourite drink hmm.

Girlonatubetrain Fri 31-Mar-17 13:57:11

have I seen the PMs - no
only what he's mentioned re her msging about her mental health
if I asked - he would let me see them
but it would also show a lack of trust from my side so I need to be sure I want you open that can of worms

would he enjoy the attention - I don't know. DH is a good man and would want to be a good friend. But there are lines and I think he's crossing them

ThatsNotMyMummy Fri 31-Mar-17 13:58:08

So both parties know its making you feel uncomfortable but they carry on? Thats not decent behaviour from a friend or husband

I think your spidey senses are tingling for a reason, I'm sorry.

I came across a message from a woman who makes my senses tingle a bit, it was a line crossed message. I told my DH i didn't think it was appropriate, and he has backed off from the friendship a bit as he admitted it was a line crossed. I would want your DH to do the same "I'm really sorry I'm too busy to chat, i think Girlon is free if you need a chin wag"

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