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AIBU to be very proud of 12 year old DD but horrified she's had to deal with this?

(66 Posts)
Hoppinggreen Fri 31-Mar-17 13:25:59

My DD had a close group of friends as Primary ( some male). She went to a different school to them but still keeps in touch with most of them, largely on snapchat.
One of the boys has always been a bit controlling of her, I suspect he " fancies" her but she's not interested. He has messaged he things such as him losing at a sport because she's upset him and once even invented a girlfriend who subsequently " died". All very silly but she shows me the messages and I've told her to ignore anything like that.
Last night she came into my room visibly upset, she has posted a photo of herself with 1 female and 2 male friends from her new school on her snapchat story. This boy then launched a tirade about how she was s fucking Whore and slut and none of her old friends liked her anymore and they all hated her ( not true, she is meeting a couple of them tomorrow in fact)
I am absolutely disgusted by this and her Dad is furious too. I don't know his family but if I tried I could probably track them down but we haven't decided whether to do so yet. I told her that she had to block him immediately, which she said she intended to but that she had sent him a reply.
She basically told him that for a boy of his age to use such disgusting and sexist language was completely out of order and she pitied any female who had to come in contact with him. She also told him that his words said far more about him and his issues than about her. She also told him that slut shaming was what men/boys who felt inadequate did to females they couldn't control.
Although I'm upset this happened and she was too ( had a little cry) I'm so proud of how she dealt with it. She's also had a lot of support from old and new friends which has made her feel better.
Has anyone else had to deal with anything similar and should I take further action? No idea what, they are at different schools so can't expect either school to get involved.

FeliciaJollygoodfellow Fri 31-Mar-17 13:30:43

I've got no advice but your poor daughter - well done for standing up for herself and fellow girls.

It's so upsetting that children are using such vile language like that - or anyone really.

Falafelings Fri 31-Mar-17 13:32:18

My DD luckily hasn't had to deal with this sort of thing. She's held nasty people at arms distance. But the good thing for your DD is that she's talked to a responsible adult, removed him from her life and put him straight. It shows she's very grounded and has positive boundaries.

Edsheeranalbumparty Fri 31-Mar-17 13:34:38

Wow, bloody good on her, she sounds fab!

That boy sounds absolutely horrid, but she put him in his place good and proper.

OneFlewOverTheDodosNest Fri 31-Mar-17 13:35:08

How awful - I'd be getting in touch with his parents where possible, I think they need to know what their son has said and keep an eye on him.

BorpBorpBorp Fri 31-Mar-17 13:35:24

It sounds like she dealt with it brilliantly, you should be very proud.

DancingLedge Fri 31-Mar-17 13:39:42

Hats off to the parents who brought up that articulate, empowered girl with good self esteem.

No advice, but best wishes to you all.

RachelRosie Fri 31-Mar-17 13:44:45

No advice as such as how to deal with the situation, but to be quite honest, it sounds like your daughter has this handled!
Yes, it is awful that she has had to go through this but I would be super proud of her!
If she has got this mindset from the age of 12 then she is set for when she is older! Well done daughter and well done you, you've obviously taught her right! Fab that her friends are offering support too.
Fingers crossed she wont hear from the boy again.

Hoppinggreen Fri 31-Mar-17 13:45:34

Thank you all, it's nice to know that I have done ok - the whole mum thing didn't come naturally (pnd, lack of bonding)
She also said that she would like to "give him a good kicking ( she's a Taekwando red belt) but hes not worth it

OfaFrenchmind2 Fri 31-Mar-17 13:46:20

Well done to your daughter and to you, she obviously has a good healthy sense of self worth and plenty of common sense.

ThatsNotMyMummy Fri 31-Mar-17 13:47:06

Bloody good on your daughter, you have obviously taught her well.

What a nasty shit bag, she's right, any girl who comes in to contact with him should be careful

EvonneGoolagong Fri 31-Mar-17 13:48:00

Your DD sounds amazing! Good on her!
I would want to know if my DC had behaved badly like that but sadly I'm not sure everyone would feel the same. If you are ready for all possible reactions from his parents then go ahead.

Hoppinggreen Fri 31-Mar-17 13:49:50

Sorry, should say she said to ME Ashe would like to give him a good kicking, she didn't threaten him.
She's actually quite quiet and reserved but confident in herself. I think that the Taekwando as made a huge difference to her if any of you have dc who are thinking about a sport.

MsMims Fri 31-Mar-17 13:54:58

You've done more than ok! Her response was articulate, wise beyond her years and puts him to shame. Be really proud - of her and yourself.

bignamechangeroonie Fri 31-Mar-17 13:55:43

Your kid rocks flowers

wigglesrock Fri 31-Mar-17 13:56:31

My almost 12 year old has had a few like incidents. The language wasn't as horrible and offensive but along the same kind of lines. She moved to a different secondary school. She has no qualms at all about blocking people and just completely removing herself from situations. She wouldn't be as articulate as your dd - she either just shuts the whole conversation down or tells them to piss off and blocks. Thankfully she doesn't have a fear of missing out. She talks to me about a lot of stuff, I think she's had to block people (not the same person) about three times.

Hoppinggreen Fri 31-Mar-17 14:02:14

I'm sorry wiggles, it's not a nice thing for grown ups let alone children to have to deal with

0dfod Fri 31-Mar-17 14:06:21

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Notagainmun Fri 31-Mar-17 14:12:03

What [Dancing] said.

Around that age a boy at school used to kick me hard if I passed him in the corridors. I never told an adult but had some spectacular bruises. I always just told him to clear off but I had to try add not to cry. I had never done a thing to warrant the bullying but years later I can see he had a crush on me but knew I wasn't interested. No excuse through.

smallchanceofrain Fri 31-Mar-17 14:20:40

Well done your DD. She shouldn't have to deal with something like that but she dealt with it fantastically. I would be very tempted to contact the boy's parents if I was you.

DS1 is almost 12. I cannot in a million years imagine him doing something vile like that but if he did I would damn well want to know about it. He would lose his wi-fi privileges until he was 25, possibly longer!

Hoppinggreen Fri 31-Mar-17 14:21:00

I have explained to her that sometimes people lash out in frustration when they can't express themselves and that is probably why he's reacted like that to a photo but I've also made damn sure she knows it's NOT an excuse and she's done nothing wrong
She's very hurt that someone she regarded as a friend has turned on herv like this but she has shown she won't put up with it.

EleanorRigbysNeice Fri 31-Mar-17 14:21:49

I'd report it to the police. Sounds drastic but, it is abusive and these things do escalate.

TheMysteriousJackelope Fri 31-Mar-17 14:22:56

Well done to your DD Hopping. She sounds very mature in being able to spot exactly what he was up to and calling him out on it without resorting to swearing or threats of violence. It's a shame you don't know the family as in their shoes I would definitely want to know what he is doing. He sounds the sort that will be sending dick pics in a year or two if he isn't reined in now.

DD likes to go to feminist websites and gets into debates with trolls in their comment pages. She was having a discussion with someone about females taking up combat roles in the US army and got 'You should just kill yourself for having such a retarded view'. She replied 'I am not going to kill myself because you can't come up with an adequate retort to my argument'. I was all set to launch in with metaphorical fists waving, but I realized she'd taken care of it nicely on her own.

KickAssAngel Fri 31-Mar-17 14:31:51

At this stage I'd want to keep an eye on it - get DD to tell me if he did anything else etc.

BUT - the only common factor in men who are arrested for controlling abusive behavior is that many of them come from families where this was the norm. It is more than possible that he has this attitude because he sees it at home. So I wouldn't contact parents unless this carries on. If he does continue it, a firm factual report to parents.

Otherwise, let it lie, if your DD is happy with that.

FlyingElbows Fri 31-Mar-17 14:32:03

I did have to deal with a boy like that but it was 20 odd years ago and I'm very very glad we didn't have mobile phones and social media to contend with. Op you've done a great job and more power to your girl's elbow. Keep on doing whatever you've done up til now because she's a smart cookie and I think she'll do just fine.

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