Jealousy/Insecurity - do things ever get easier?

[AmINearlyThere]

NC as this is embarrassing

I have low self-esteem and insecurity issues and every day is a constant battle to fight bad habits that I allowed myself to get into as a result - checking my DP's exes Facebook/Instagram feeds, stressing about who he's with and what he's doing when he stays away from home for work and social events etc.

I'm working so hard to address my thought processes - I've stopped looking on social media, I restrain myself from asking questions about DP's whereabouts etc. but I'm exhausted. It's constant effort and restraint, and although it's paying off a little, sometimes I still feel absolutely haunted.

I feel that I had a relapse this morning - DP has a habit of quickly minimising his computer screen or closing apps on phones if he notices me there. I'm feeling a bit low and I wasn't able to stop myself picking an argument with him about it. I see it as suspicious behaviour because it happens all the time, too much to be a coincidence, but he insists he's done nothing wrong and gets angry at me because he feels I'm accusing him of cheating.

So yes, I know really that IBU, but does it get easier? If I keep trying, will I ever get the peace of mind and security that I need and want so badly? Has anyone felt really low, jealous and insecure but it passed and you feel happy now?

[marciagetscreamed]

Has he got a history of cheating?

[FlyingElbows]

Tbh you'd be better on your own working through your issues with a therapist than in a relationship. This mn, it'll take no more than half a dozen posts before you're convinced he's got an ow and is using prostitutes, you won't finished help you need in AIBU.

[FlyingElbows]

"find the" not "finished"!

[AmINearlyThere]

Ending the relationship isn't an option - he's an amazing person, generally speaking we're very happy with each other - and my rational mind knows he wouldn't hurt me. It's the irrational voice that starts up every now and again that causes the issue.

No, he hasn't cheated on me (that I know of) although he cheated in a LTR in his early twenties (we're mid-thirties now). He also started sleeping with his friend's girlfriend a few years ago, which he massively regrets. So he is capable of dishonest behaviour, which has added to my fears, admittedly. But I think my issues stem from previous devious exes and some childhood insecurities (my dad left us for about a year, I hero-worshipped him and remember feeling very upset and confused).

I think I'm just upset with myself because I felt that I was making progress, was becoming less fixated on his previous girlfriends, and I'm disappointed that I succumbed to temptation and let my jealousies surface again. I feel like I undid some hard work.

[ChasingAPinkBall]

I used to be like you.
I had to do some serious work on my self esteem. I used positive affirmations every day and literally said STOP to myself everytime I said something derogatory about myself and countered it with a compliment.
Also, everytime I saw someone looking at me I told myself it was because they liked my hair/thought I looked cool/liked my shoes etc etc.
It is laborious and very forced at first but it's honestly works wonders.
I still have to do it sometimes but generally the compliments to myself come easily and I'm so much more confident.

[ChasingAPinkBall]

You have to literally shut that irrational voice down.
Distract yourself or literally tell yourself to stop or shut up then counter it with positive affirmations. You have to train your brain.

[Happyandhungry]

To be fair to you he doesn't sound very trustworthy based on his previous cheating etc and also minimising screens etc when surely he knows your state of mind? If it was me I'd be helping you "come and have a look at my computer/phone I'll show you what i was looking at" if he was 100% transparent he would be helping you not making things worse.

[Bluebell9]

Have you seen a counselor? I used to be insecure and jealous but with professional help, I'm now happy and secure in my relationship. It took work but it is possible. And I know not everyone is into self help books, but my MIL gave me a book called The Secret and that really helped.

[madparent1]

I agree with FlyingElbows that you would be better off seeking help from a third party counsellor or therapist etc.

With regards to your relationship I would think your DP is aware of your jealousy/insecurity issues. Communication is the key. Let him know how you feel and what your thoughts are, tell him you understand how irrational they are and that you are making an effort to combat these thoughts. He could provide help with the suspicion aspects by showing you what he is browsing rather than closing the tab. But, what if the open tab was a surprise present or trip, clearly he is going to close the tab when you walk in! Just an example.

Jealousy is an emotion that can easily consume a person and I hope you are able to get some help with it.

Love isn't owned and cannot be taken, it can only be given. Try to focus on yourself in the present moment and give your love to your DP. Try to stay positive and not dwell upon any problem or historical event.

I wish you well.

[HermioneJeanGranger]

I'm not surprised you're insecure - he cheating on a long-term ex and slept with his mate's girlfriend behind his back!

He doesn't sound very pleasant OR trustworthy and I think your issues would improve drastically if you stopped cheating a sleazebag and a cheat.

[AmINearlyThere]

Thanks for taking the time to reply, everyone.

Yes, he has made a couple of mistakes in the distant past that he really regrets and has learned from. And he was brave enough to be honest with me about them, which I respect and appreciate. But fundamentally he is a good person and the issue lies with me; it's my responsibility to take charge of my emotions and behaviour. Training my brain - exactly, that's what I'm trying to do.

I've been to some counselling sessions in the past, but didn't find them helpful at all. I've talked to DP about it and he does try to help. I think he doesn't understand though because he doesn't have a jealous bone in his body, he's very balanced and stable, which is something I love about him.

I think I'm having some degree of success in training myself out of it, it's just taking time, and the occasional relapses make me unhappy and disappointed in myself.

It's like spikes - I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine, then SPIKE! Jealousy/pain/suspicion . . .

Maybe the spikes will happen less and less as time goes by and I get better control over my feelings . . .