Is my sister being entitled or does this sound reasonable to you?

[motherofallhens]

I am feeling fed up! I am having my sister’s two boys to stay over the holidays. This was my suggestion and we are really looking forward to having them here. However, in addition to having them here for 10 days, my sister also expects me to meet her halfway to pick them up, then drive them halfway home again. They live 3.5 hours away from us so quite a lot of driving.

Am I being U in thinking that she is being U?!

Total disclosure here, we don’t have a particularly good relationship and never have done. We get on fine when we see each other but she never makes any effort with me or my children at all. That is, she is a bit patchy with remembering the kids’ birthdays and she never calls me, remembers my birthday or suggests getting together etc. (and I mean literally never in each case!)

However, she is still my sister and I don’t want my children to have the relationship with their cousins that I have with mine (i.e. none at all). Consequently, I invite her children here every holiday and I am sometimes allowed to have them :) They are fab and get on very well with mine (similar ages).

I have had to do overtime this week so that I can take next week off – I am blimmin shattered and could really do without all the driving prior to having a houseful of children all week – although I love having them here it will be very full on! Is it too much to ask that she at least does one of the trips herself? Is it not just a teeny-bit taking the pee, especially given that she doesn’t work and I will have done 50+ hours this week to make time to have her kids to stay?

What d’you ladies think or should I stop whining seeing as this situation is entirely of my own making?!

[Heirhelp]

Did she ask you to her boys or did you offer?

A 7 hour round trip of driving is a lot for her. Can you offer for her to stay over night to break up the journey?

[hoopdeloop]

So is she getting 10 days of peace and quiet with no kids?
I would say she is unreasonable, it's a long journey but you're watching her kids for her!

[Chloe84]

YANBU. If you give in, she will expect you to do this every time in future.

She's getting free childcare for 10 days, call her bluff.

[ILostItInTheEarlyNineties]

Could you invite your sister to drive up and stay with you for the first night? That would break up her journey and might give you some sisterly bonding time?

10 days seems a long time to have the children. I think I would suggest a shorter visit so you have time to recharge before returning to work.

[IveAlreadyPaid]

Maybe suggest yours could go and stay with her?

[Fauxgina]

Some people would see a 7 hour car journey in one day as impossible so would't attempt it so I can see why she would think that you might also see it as necessary that you meet half way.

I don't agree with her and if someone offered to have my children for 10 days I'd crawl over hot coals to get them there and make life as easy as possible for you.

Could you comprimise, find a nice pub or service station 1 hour away from you and say you can't begin the week doing so much driving, but here is a lovely place you can help her out a little and she can rest before driving home. I wouldn't budge on that.

[NancyDonahue]

You're a saint. I'd happily drive double that distance if you'd have my lot for 10 days! YANBU.

[Brighteyes27]

I work pt and wouldn't want someone to have my kids even family for 10 days and certainly not every holiday time!!
Maybe she feels similar so is making it hard/awkward for you?
I feel your sister is making a mug of you and I feel you are lovely but also helping her to do this.
If she doesn't work how about you meeting half way as a compromise and only having them for a weekend or a long weekend (half the time). Spend the rest of the week invested with your own DCs.
If this isn't acceptable definitely don't offer again.

[motherofallhens]

Thanks for your quick responses!

Heirhelp - yes, I offered and I do each holiday as we would never see the children's cousins otherwise. This is why I'm thinking I shouldn't really complain as I brought this situation on myself!

Hoopdeloop, Chloe - you see that is what I'm thinking. Yes it was completely my idea and I love having her boys here but I can't help thinking she is being a bit ungrateful - she is essentially getting 10 days child-free (she doesn't work so it really is free time!) while I have had to work super long hours this week in order to have a houseful next week :)

[motherofallhens]

Oops - you guys are too quick for me!

[ChasedByBees]

Did she want / need the child free time?

[QuiteLikely5]

Seven hours is a long time but the reward is ten bloody child free days!

Yanbu to expect her to drive the distance

[Trifleorbust]

If I invited my nieces and nephew to my home I would always go and get them. The only way she is unreasonable is if she is desperate for you to have them.

[blueskyinmarch]

I don’t think i would drive 7 hours in one day by myself. I mean i could, but i would be horribly tired and dangerous on the way back. If you asked me to bring my children that distance the least i would want would be a few hours at yours and some lunch plus the possibility of closing my eyes for an hour so i was fresh for the way home. Could you offer this to her in case she is just worried about being too tired? Or maybe let her stay over and drive home the next day?

[Rainydayspending]

How old are they? Can they go on a train/ coach so no driving?
Could they do that unaccompanied?

[NannyR]

I think it would be different if she had asked you to provide free childcare whilst she was working, in that case she should do the driving. But you have invited them so I think it's only fair the driving is split. Also everyone is assuming that she wants ten childfree days, she might have been looking forward to spending some relaxed time with her kids.

[motherofallhens]

Brighteyes - sorry, just realised that makes me sound a bit creepy! I ask them every holiday on the assumption they won't be able to make it each time - it's like a standing offer I suppose. And I agree with you, I wouldn't want my own kids to be away for so long, not that she would ever offer of course :)

Lostit - She's very welcome to stay here but unfortunately she doesn't like me very much so has never been here!

[ChishandFips33]

She could set off at 8.30/9 then have lunch with you/refresh and drive back mid afternoon

I'd also do everything to help you out given what you've had to do to get the time off

[Edballsisoneniftydancer]

Much as I love a nice juice bossy entitled elder sister rant (and I am assuming your sisitr is the elder one though happy to accept I am projecting), from everything you say it sounds like you are desperately keen to have your DNs and your sister is rather more meh about it. So I can well see that she would be less than thrilled at the prospect of all the driving and in fact feels that meeting you halfway is actually quite nice of her!

But as I say, I could be reading this wrong. And her DC are VERY lucky to have such a cool auntie

[Serialweightwatcher]

Do you think if you asked her to bring them the full way and stay over she would not allow the kids to come if she didn't agree to this? If you think she will be glad to get her kids off her hands for 10 days I'd make that suggestion - if you think she will dig her heels in and not allow the kids to come then I'm afraid you may have to do half and half - I would call her bluff though first. She is so very lucky to have such a lovely sister as you - I'm an only child and never got any help with the children at all ... this would have been a dream

[motherofallhens]

Argh, I can't keep up with the conversation!

You see that's the thing. I'm thinking that perhaps because I invited them it's up to me to do one of the driving but then the other part of me thinks blimey she's getting 10 days off. And yes, she is looking forward to the free time as she is always happy for her children to come here when there is no family holiday planned.

And there's no question that she wouldn't be welcome to stay over, have lunch or whatever. When my children stayed with another relative over the holidays (similar distance) I did all the driving & didn't think of doing otherwise as regardless of whose idea it was, to my mind they were doing all of us a massive favour.

[diddl]

Well you asked to have them so I don't think that meeting halfway both times is completely unreasonable tbh.

[chocolateworshipper]

You could always compromise - instead of agreeing to do half the driving, you could offer to drive one hour (2 hours driving isn't too bad). If you drive for an hour, would there be something fun to do nearby with the kids before you drive back?

[KC225]

Tell her you have been working overtime this week and although you are looking forward to having the boys you will not be meeting her half way. As others have said, suggest she stays the night.

I think you need to set your stall out or she will expect this all the time. You sound a little 'walking on eggshells' around her but stand up for yourself, you sound like a brilliant Aunty.

[Witchend]

Consequently, I invite her children here every holiday and I am sometimes allowed to have them

This makes me suspect you're being unreasonable. I wouldn't want to ship my dc off every holiday to anyone. I love holidays. We have lazy days, days out and family days where we play board games etc.
I certainly wouldn't even consider doing a 7 hour trip to drop them off.

If she was asking you to have them, then yes, but I think as, by the sound of it, you are the one who wants them, then meeting half way is fine.

10 days is most of the holiday, I wouldn't accept for that long. How easy do you make it for her to say no, or say that's too long? If you're asking every holiday she may feel she has to say yes sometimes but not be happy about it.

If you are resenting it, then don't offer. If she's bothered about having that time "off" then she'll ask and then you can say "only if you bring them here" and she can decide whether she thinks that's worthwhile.

It's not fair to offer something, that she may feel that she has to accept and then complain about it.