Hate my MIL WWYD

[eletralambchop]

Hi!
Verg simple: I hate my MIL. She's rude. She's offensive. She's racist.
I am from abroad married to a lovely English man. I don't know how such sweet person could share the same genes with someone so nasty and bitter like his mum.

Anything that is about me, my country, my culture or my family is rubbish. "Your dad is a snob and over the top (because he wanted to give me a car to go around with my DS); your dad is outdated (he's a doctor); what sort of doctor he is if he believes in God?. "Your mother is so superficial... I mean she does nothing". I found that very rude but I didn't care when she said those things.
"People from your country are so superficial, aren't they"...
"Here in England we don't need cleaners or our family around. We know how to do things properly by ourselves". "You should go back to work after a few months after having the baby. Every woman does that in England and we manage". "You should be working full time now like every English woman". DS is 7 months old.

Oh and she has this thing of pulling faces at people behind their back. She sticks her tongue out and shakes her head like a child.

She loves to whisper unpleasant things when you're in the middle of doing something or when you're leaving to somewhere else.


I know I know... those things are not that bad and sound very silly but they built up for the last 6 years. Every time we go to visit my in-laws I get upset the week before because I know she'll annoy me once I'm there.

She's from a small village, simple life, no education. She won't change.

We are planning the next visit and my husband wants to stay for one week. I don't think I can hold my tongue this time and I'm dreaming about telling her to shut up that bloody sarcastic mouth.

If anyone with similar experience could give me some insights about what kind of responses she should hear when she's sarcastic/rude I would be glad!

[abbey44]

God, she sounds like my first MIL! She was a cow of the first order. I never did manage the perfect response to her - she always managed to have the last word - but I used to imagine her burning in the fires of hell for all eternity. Sadly, I think it was more likely that she'd have tested the patience of Beelzebub himself, and to this day she's still going strong, I believe. My solution? I divorced her son (and her) - it was the only way and I've never regretted it for a moment.

So I'm sorry, I can't offer any advice, but you do have my sympathy. Oh, and this might help

[eletralambchop]

Thanks abbey44. Sometimes when my husband is being annoying I tell him it's because of his genes
I remember last time we went there she said that my English was getting worse because I talk too much with my family.
And yes, she always has the last word and then she takes a sip of her tea while looking at me with that air of superiority. I hope she chokes next time.

[abbey44]

Just hold that thought, but keep a sweet smile on your face. It'll annoy the hell out of her.

To be honest, you're never going to change her - she's too ingrained in her ignorant ways - and bringing yourself down to her level won't make you feel good in the long run, so you have to change the way you respond and tune her out as much as possible. Kill her with niceness if you can bring yourself to do it - it'll really rattle her.

Good luck

[e1y1]

Refuse to visit, your DH can go, you don't have to at all.

Nobody has the right to make you feel like shit.

I'd say "thanks for the invite, but due to your differences of opinion on my lifestyle choices, I don't see anything gained by either of us in me coming to stay".

Yes your DH may be unhappy, but you're his wife, and the mother of his child, so he shouldn't want you feeling so unhappy at the hands of his (bitch of) "d"m

[Birdsgottaf1y]

My SIL used to pull faces, until once I shouted my DH, "because his Sister seemed to be having a fit". She didn't do it again in my company.

You don't have to put up with this. Challenge her, don't argue, just challenge her to explain. She'll do the job of her looking like a twat, for you.

[PyongyangKipperbang]

What does your husband do when she is making these comments?

Why, when he knows she treats you badly, does he want you to go and stay for a week?

Why are you even considering going when the answer should be "Are you fucking kidding me?! There is no way that I or DS will be going to spend the week with her"

Also, has it occured to him that her racist comments are now also aimed at your mixed race child?

[ChasedByBees]

At least she's direct! I would challenge every single comment.

"Giving a car isn't over the top. My dad is generous and cares for us."
"Why are you bring so rude about my family? It makes you sound mean spirited."
"No we're not superficial. Please dont be so rude."
"Luckily we have options and we've chosen for me not to work right now. It isn't compulsory and there's more than one way of doing things."

Pull her up every single time. The fact she's being so openly rude almost makes that easier.

But actually, there's no way you should stay in her company for a week.

[eletralambchop]

PyongyangKipperbang
She mostly make those comments when he's not around because she knows he'll tell her to stop being so rude. Last time he told his dad he would not speak to her again but I didn't support that attitude so eventually things got back to normal. Tomorrow I'll speak to him and say I don't want to stay for that long.
She's racist with anyone from a different country regardless of the skin colour and our DS doesn't look mixed race anyway.

I think my husband is trying to establish a good relationship between himself, me and his family once we've got a little baby now. And btw when we told her I was pregnant she said that we were joking and started crying because her other daughter-in-law was trying to get pregnant and my pregnancy would upset her.

[highinthesky]

Stay for that long?

How can you spend a single second under the roof of someone that treats you with such contempt?

[AntiHop]

She sounds intolerable.

[Birdsgottaf1y]

""Last time he told his dad he would not speak to her again but I didn't support that attitude ""

You need to let your DH take the lead and go down that route, if there's no change.

You might not be used to toxic relatives, youre best just cutting off from them. This will have an effect on your child's self esteem.

[eletralambchop]

ChasedByBees
I said exactly that about the car and her response was "I managed with 4 kids... I used to do everything by myself, take everybody on the bus, had no help..."
Once we said we were glad to have my mum's help and her response was "I worked so hard that I even prolapsed after I had my last baby. You don't need help when you've got only one child".

I wonder if people find her amazing or an insecure cow to be honest.

[JJbum]

I wouldn't be visiting and I wouldn't have my child around her. Hell would freeze over before I stayed with a mil like that for a week. Her racist and xenophobic views will be internalised by your son. Even if she keeps her explicit statements out of his earshot, he will still pick up on her attitude.

Your DH can go and see her. You don't have to. If you choose to, keep visits short. Your DH shouldn't be asking you to spend a week there.

[MimiSunshine]

If she says anything about being superficial again, laugh and say "superficial? What a funny word, you sound jealous!"
She'll sputter and say she isn't so you can put a patronising hand on her arm 😉 And say "oh IIIII know, but that's what it sounded like. How's your tea?"

If she mentions working again, just tell her DS is only 7 months and mat leave is up to a year with a confused look on your face. If she says but English women all go back earlier than that, just tell her "not the ones in my baby groups"

Have some fun with it, in fact play up your 'forrin' status and pretend to misunderstand her and challenge her in a way that could just be a language divide. It'll drive her potty

[emmyrose2000]

Hell would freeze over before I ever associated with that bitch again. She would never, ever, be allowed to see my child/ren either. If you're not going to treat me with respect then you sure as hell aren't going to have access to my kids either.

If you do ever find yourself in her vicinity and she starts her normal crap, call your DH into the room and either tell her to repeat what she just said, or repeat it yourself when the gutless bitch no doubt refuses. Then leave.

[ToesInWater]

She sounds like a nightmare, you have my sympathies. My MIL is a shocker but even she is not as bad as yours!

I would make visits short and on your turf, tell your DH that you are not going to visit her as she behaves so badly to you but she is welcome to visit you, briefly, as you recognise she wants to see her son and grandchild (so maybe one overnight if absolutely necessary because of distance). If she starts being obnoxious leave them all to it or plan on sticking around for an hour or so then arrange to meet friends. You also need to let your DH know what is happening if she is being underhand, and how much it upsets you ( for years my DH thought I was overreacting as MIL is very manipulative and behaved much better when he was around, when I told him the details he had my back). Good luck!

[Justanothernameonthepage]

What a strange MIL. Luckily your DH has been on your side before. Has he told her that as soon as she insults or belittles you or any other member of his family, then you'll all be leaving. And stick to it. If it's low digs 'in my day' then respond either with silence. Or a smile and 'a prolapse? In my day we used to dream of a prolapse in luxury like this. Instead we had to sit in a frozen lake until a killer whale attacked and Greenpeace would let us have a sewing kit to fix it ourselves. You try telling young people that and they won't believe you're (apologies to any Monty python fans www.montypython.net/scripts/4york.php)

[Justanothernameonthepage]

Or straight up book a hotel and DH can tell her that since she can't treat his wife and the mother of his child with basic politeness, then you can meet in public places and won't be visiting her house until she's shown she can behave.

[FrenchLavender]

It sounds to me as though something about your background makes her feel inferior, envious and insecure. It sounds like inverse snobbery to me.

[LevantineHummus]

My goodness, those are all AWFUL things! I'd be tempted to mention that it's so odd because where you come from the Brits have such a reputation for politeness. ;)

If your DH doesn't want to be in touch with her, let that happen. She is going to speak that way to your DC about their heritage and mother.

You sound like you have a nice family. That's not because they're yours, but because they're nice people AND yours. Your in-laws/mil aren't nice people/isn't a nice person, to put it mildly. Just because they're relatives does not make you obliged to see them, unless they choose.

But be very careful, because she will, without a shadow of a doubt, talk badly about you to your DC when he's a bit older. And you know she'll do it when your DH can't hear.

[Mummyoflittledragon]

It is hard to pull someone up every single time by confronting them. You've recently had a baby and I imagine sleep deprived! Consequently vulnerable. On top of that, you're living in a foreign country, which you will be slowly making your own. I don't actually think it's a good idea to visit and stay with her as it's on her territory. This is just adding one more level to your already vulnerable situation.

Could you perhaps have the attitude with her that she's a very interesting child? Because she's certainly not an adult. I know she probably babbles on from one incoherent thing to the next. But pick just one things as she draws breath. Ask her open questions "really?" "why do you think that?". Then when she backs herself into a corner, nonchantly say. "Mmmm That's interesting". "Mmm I hadn't thought of it like that". Ie refusing any kind of an argument and giving a shrug. Never giving your views. It will infuriate her to not have someone to argue with. Right now, you're seeing her as some kind of 6 foot ogre when in fact, she's a petulant 6 yr old. When your child reaches a certain age, you will realise they are more mature than she. My dd is 8 and is head and shoulders older than my mother, who is about 4 or 5.

The other thing you could do is take her off guard. Talk at cross purposes about something completely different. Have a few things on hand ready to bring up, which are quite banal e.g. "did I tell you, the washing machine packed up last week and we've got a snazzy new one". And when she continues, do the same.... about your washing machine. It'll probably drive her crazy.

Your written English is excellent and I can imagine you are highly fluent and speak eloquently. You know this. So what if she wants to cover up her inferiority complex by making you look small. Don't buy into her nasty little games.

My dh is French btw so my mother talks about him as "the little French man". He said she did try and start on her when he and I hadn't been together long and he put a stop to her games. He humours her. We both know she sees him as inferior to her. She has a big old hierarchy and she's at the top of the pyramid. Except deep down somewhere inside she's not really. It's just a big old illusion to make her not dislike herself so very very much.

[MDFalco]

I said exactly that about the car and her response was "I managed with 4 kids... I used to do everything by myself, take everybody on the bus, had no help..." Happy martyr syndrome.

I do appreciate it's not a funny situation, but she sounds so much like a character from Monty Python's Four Yorkshiremen sketch. If she's of a certain age, you could quote bits of it to her and she would realise that you are satirising her, and maybe she might realise just how ludicrous she sounds.

[KERALA1]

I would never visit again. If that meant she didn't see her grandchild so be it. Dh can visit alone.

You have more power than you realise. Use it.

[user1474371557]

Oh - I had a future MIL like that once. Engagement fell through but that's another story. Tape her quietly without her knowing and then if your hubby does not believe she could say anything so horrible play it back to an audience. She is just a bully and bullies do not like getting caught out on their sh**.

Also think though about your DS - do you really want him to have a relationship with your DS with her attitude. My own grandmother (whom I do not remember) said horrible things about my mother to my sister and my sister still remembers to this day and that is over 40 years later so perhaps a little caution might be called for.