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To expect DH not to go out?

(88 Posts)
TeaMuncher Thu 30-Mar-17 20:49:10

We live in a rural place, having moved here 6 years ago from London. We have DD (4) and DS (17wks) and I'm EBF.

DH has a friend from London visiting a lot at the moment coz he has work in the area, and as a result is going out quite a lot when his friend is here, mostly to the pub/ dinner/ the occasional surf, which is not like him at all.

Tonight I'm just feeling a little abandoned, while he's in the pub having dinner, I'm sitting in the house on my own with the kids (DS will wake regularly for feeds and I should be sleeping whilst he sleeps, but I feel uneasy).

I just feel like we should be 'enough' at the moment. I felt the same when DD was a baby. I have no desire to go out, especially without DH (or DC really), but he clearly can't wait to get out. This friend is a particularly bad influence, always has been, which doesn't help.

My mum is also really unhappy about him going out and leaving us... but AIBU?! Is my baby brain making me feel funny? Or is this unacceptable? 🤔

scottishdiem Thu 30-Mar-17 20:52:43

Depends on the rest of the time. Depends on how much help he is when he is around. Is he just working and then going out? Does he go out regularly without you (in that you arent invited as opposed to you not wanting to go out).

Need more info.

TeaMuncher Thu 30-Mar-17 20:59:29

He works from home, so is around to help, mainly with our older DD (picking her up from preschool etc). He's good with her and also has to walk our dog, etc. But yes, essentially he is working most of the day (but finding time to do a lot of personal things too, like having his haircut, mowing lawn, going to tip, which drives me a bit potty too because I NEVER get a min to do anything, barely even have a shower!). When this friend is in town, he sees him a lot. He hero-worships him a bit.

Wolfiefan Thu 30-Mar-17 21:02:08

So carve out some time for you? Not sure how the opinion of your mother is really relevant. If he pulls his weight at home and you get time out too I couldn't see the problem.

scottishdiem Thu 30-Mar-17 21:02:40

Working from home can be hard to be honest if you really arent that way inclined (I love it, DP hates the very concept).

If he doesnt go out at other times is he kind of saving it all up go out with this mate.

He does need to give you more time. Even taking DD away for a day (not sure about the 17 week old as I've seen men slaughtered on here getting in the way of a baby and mother at that age. Something to do with bonding/not bonding etc.) would give you more space.

How many times does he go out when this friend is around?

DingDongtheWitchIsDangDiddlyDe Thu 30-Mar-17 21:03:04

Your mum has nothing to do with anything and has no right to be upset with him.
I think its unreasonable that because you don't want to go anywhere you think he shouldn't either. He works from home, and you expect him to never want to go out, thats very claustrophobic.

Your baby isn't a newborn anymore, there is no reason why you should never get a min to do anything, when you have your husband there all the time and sounds like your mother around as well. Is there a touch of the martyr going on here?

TeaMuncher Thu 30-Mar-17 21:08:20

Yes maybe! I did say I had scrambled baby brain!

In my defence, and not to go into too much detail, but my DS is a non-sleeping, fussy-feeding, definition of a 'high needs' baby and I'm exhausted. I have zero time to myself, but that's not DH's fault. Perhaps I just feel as if my life is on hold because of DS' needs, and he's having a lovely time doing whatever he wants and I'm falling apart at the seams...

Blinkyblink Thu 30-Mar-17 21:10:43


You think you and the children should be "enough" and so he shouldn't go out. For goodness sakes OP, woman up.

DorotheaHomeAlone Thu 30-Mar-17 21:12:08

Your baby is nearly 4 months old. It is definitely fine for your DH to be out having dinner and generally being sociable. Unless he's out 3+ nights a week I think you're being pretty unreasonable and your expectations of being 'enough' for him sound stifling and unhealthy.

BackforGood Thu 30-Mar-17 21:12:16

I agree with others.
If he is at home all day it can be quite claustrophobic. It's good to get to some other set of 4 walls, or, even better in the case of surfing.
If you dont want to (and I understand that) then that is your cnoice, but it shouldnt prevent him seeing his friend sometimes, especially as he is able to support you with things during the day, unlike most partners who WOTH.

TeaMuncher Thu 30-Mar-17 21:13:06

I'm not saying he shouldn't go out, just not all the time...

highinthesky Thu 30-Mar-17 21:14:24

How often is "a lot"?

If it would have been more than you were used to in London, it's a lot.

DorotheaHomeAlone Thu 30-Mar-17 21:14:40

Cross post. I'm sorry you feel so fragile. You need to have a frank talk about carving out some time for yourself as well. Even if you don't choose to go out, you need some time where you aren't responsible for the baby.

Reow Thu 30-Mar-17 21:16:20

How often does he go out?

Will he be happy to stay in with the kids once you're not bf so you can go out?

Sirzy Thu 30-Mar-17 21:16:26

How often is "all the time"?

Blinkyblink Thu 30-Mar-17 21:16:30

Op, you say he has a friend visiting and he's been out a bit with him. That doesn't sound like "all the time" to me on the slightest.

Purplepicnic Thu 30-Mar-17 21:16:46

Does he know you're falling apart at the seams? Have you told him that?

DingDongtheWitchIsDangDiddlyDe Thu 30-Mar-17 21:17:44

But it can't be all the time if its only when a friend visits from elsewhere?

The real question is why isn't he helping with the baby though?

followTheyellowbrickRoad Thu 30-Mar-17 21:18:13

As the others have said you need to make time for you. Feed the baby then give to to dh and have a bath or pop out. Life will be easier if he learns to settle him too.

Bluntness100 Thu 30-Mar-17 21:18:16

If you're "falling" apart at the seems is there something uou can do about the feeding? There is no point EBF if it's killing you like this.

Mowing the lawn and going to the tip isn't "personal time" and I think it's reasonable he gets his hair cut. I also think your mum has absolutly no right to get involved in your marriage to the extent she becomes unhappy with your husband.

If the feeding is not working for you and your child then I think I would focus on fixing that.

foxyloxy78 Thu 30-Mar-17 21:18:47

Your husband is entitled to go out and he will need his own space too and you need to respect that. If he works from home he will need to get out a bit. Have a chat with him if you feel he is going out too much but try to see his side too.

callmeadoctor Thu 30-Mar-17 21:18:52

Hang on "if he is at home all day it can be quite claustrophobic" ? What about the OP?? She sure as hell must be then!! I feel for you OP, but you have to make some time for yourself, which means going out with your friends occasionally (at the very least an hour or so break a day if possible.

foxyloxy78 Thu 30-Mar-17 21:20:01

Is your mum stirring the pot a little bit OP? Don't let her influence your relationship with your DH. This is your marriage.

Whatthefreakinwhatnow Thu 30-Mar-17 21:20:25

My mum is also really unhappy about him going out and leaving us..

How melodramatic! He's gone out for a few hours, he's hardly leaving you! Your baby is no longer a newborn, so I don't see anything wrong with him going out.

You've said you don't want to go anywhere, that's fine, your choice. But you, and especially not your mum confused cannot be upset with him not making the same choice!

TeaMuncher Thu 30-Mar-17 21:21:26

Just to make it clear, oh I want to go out!! Just not particularly in the evening, coz I'm knackered!

If said friend is in town, he sees him, or arranges something every other day. At the moment he's here for two weeks. Then back for another two weeks in a weeks time.

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