This is all so messed up and weird, HELP ME MN!!(59 Posts)
Ok, so first off namechanged recently...blah blah blah.
Second I'm putting this in AIBU to a)get honest opinions and b)I want the traffic!
Fuck fucking fuck sake.
My DP of 8 years, father to our 4 yr old DS, had a heart attack on Sunday, aged just 46years.
This was completely unexpected, he was otherwise relatively fit and healthy, lots of physical activity etc.
We smoke, we drink.......rather, we DID smoke and drink, we both have quit, obviously!
He came home yesterday, and rather than the happy reunion/ homecoming I thought it would be, all we have done is row!
It started with him getting the arse because I'd bought some fags off a mate while he was in hospital (I was stressed and we both smoked at that point anyway!), now he's really angry at me because I was trying to make light of the fact that his
quite difficult Mum is coming on Sunday, and bringing his horribly snobby Aunt Linda* and we are a massively unconventional family, homeschool, lax on housekeeping (it's clean but messy IYSWIM) and I am v unconventional lookwise- think GI Jane but a viking version. (Aunt Linda has never met me btw) I don't get why me making a joke of it (to try and cheer him up!) has pissed him off so much.
Look I get it, it's not nice to think people have carried on life without you while in hospital, I was in for months when pg with DS, I had severe HG, and DP still carried on going to the pub/ smoking etc.
I am trying so, so hard to quit smoking with him, do all the right things, but it feels like everything I have done since he got back has been wrong.
So, I think it's just the quitting smoking/ being stressed/ being ill thing, and he is taking it out me, but am I being massively out of order or have I fucked up in some way?
Or is it just to be expected sniping cos we're both quitting the fags etc?
What can I do to not end up in another row? Or will everything end in a row until the nicotine addiction wears off??
Should add that we are both vaping, and he has never ever been in any way abusive, and he had a sort of "mid life crisis" anyway recently when he had to get reading glasses!
How do I sort this??
*name has been changed to protect the terminally horrible
oh, what a grim time
giving up smoking and going through a horrible scare is AWFUL. Going through having a heart attack is beyond frightening and a life changing experience...
I would just try to be kind and muddle on through. It will get better.
I think he's had a fright and it's knocked him off kilter a bit. Packing in smoking will not be helping. Maybe visiting the chemist tomorrow, both of you and join the stop smoking scheme might help. A bit of structure to it?
Gosh OP, that sounds incredibly hard for both of you.
It sounds like sniping because of quitting the fags. Can you both draw a line under it now? Say sorry to each other and then start again? Life's too short.
Also I would go to the GP to ask for some support with quitting the fags. They may be able to suggest something to help.
So you've both just quit smoking and he's just had a horrifically scary hospital stay? Not surprised you're arguing tbh.
I think you need to have a lot of grace for each other right now, it's a tough time and you've got to ride through some major changes. Try to foci on the good, and try to cut out unnecessary stress (such as horrible relatives)
I begged my mum to stop smoking but half an hour in her fag free company had me begging her to smoke again. Nobody's nice when they're quitting.
You have all sort of said what I have been feeling really, it's a hard thing to go through, and the quitting won't be helping!
gamerchick Ireally think this has thrown him a lot, not wanting to drip feed but he lost his own Dad when he was 6, and I wonder whether this has brought up a fear of leaving his own son at a similar age?
I really am trying to be sympathetic, and supportive, I quit smoking as soon as he did, in solidarity really, but it's so hard, and at the moment it feels like everything is wrong somehow!
I thought I was strong enough for anything, but I can't cope with being nice to someone whose angry at me cos life is shit
Morris that actually made me !
Yeah, we are both absolute twats without the fags tbh, I see that now!
I think there's lots of factors. Perhaps he feels stressed and shocked after the heart attack, which is resulting in anger. Giving up the cigarettes certainly won't help.
I think you need to try not to take things personally at the moment even though it will be so hard.
Get some nicotine patches or e cigs to take the edge off, or you may burn out and reach for a cig.
Well done on quitting, it gets easier, although god help his mum and aunt Linda lol!
Go for the ecigs for a bit, it'll ease the way. People are very shocked and petrified after a heart attack out of the blue. There's lots of physical advice but they really miss a trick with the mental side of things. Your husband is taking out his feelings of terror and betrayal by his own body and will be struggling for some time.
It's a rough old ride, did they find out what caused the heart attack?
Can I just say that after heart attacks people's personalities can change temporarily. My FIL was awful after his. Very aggressive and argumentative and his GP said this wasn't unusual and would settle down.
What a ride! Well done for your new positive steps. Having been in hospital a few times, I can remember being totally horrible to DH on my return because I was still feeling the effects and my meds had worn off so agree with PPs that you will both have to be VERY tolerant and as the non-hospital-stay one, you especially will have to be extra kind and brave. Hang in there!
Your DP has just looked death right in the eye and his withdrawing from nicotine, you are also in the first couple of days of trying to quit smoking.
He needs to speak to his GP to see what help he can get with quitting, you might benefit from the same or talking to a pharmacist to see if patches or whatever might help you.
Cance/postpone the visit from MIL and her DSis. If MIL wants to see her son she needs to come on her own and only for a short visit (couple of hours). Your DP needs to recover and process what has happened to him.
He probably thought he was going to die (especially if he lost his own Dad young) and is scared to death.
He's probably sensitive about his Mum given that she must also have had a big fright (especially having been a widow young).
You have also had a big fright and a stressful time.
It's perfectly normal. Take a deep breath and talk it through with him. Try to cut each other a break.
Auntie Linda might be lovely by the way. If you haven't met her you don't know whether she'll "get" you or not. She might love you!
" although god help his mum and aunt Linda lol!"
I am already stressed beyond belief, they open their mouths and I'll be straight on them!
@Bunnyfuller Yeah he had a collpsed artery, it was blocked with crap, basically due to smoking. He's been veggie for 30yrs, eats v healthily, has a physical job, so it can only be the smoking really!
@MrsEvadneCake I didn't know that, it does make sense though!
@Penfold007 I have already tried to persuade him to cancel MiL/Aunt visit. MiL is not known for her empathy/ tact/ or sensitivity (how she produced 2 amazing men baffles me constantly!) and the Aunt is judgemental beyond belief. But he won't, Ithink he doesn't want to upset his mum, but imo he gets to put himself first here.
I know I need totake this on the chin, but it is so, so hard to turn the other cheek and be understanding when he's sniping at me!
TBH if this were DH, I think I'd just let him shout at me if it helped him. Not for long, but just for a few days or whatever. He's had such a shock, he's reacting. He's not angry with you, he's just angry in general, and he needs to let it out.
I'm sure wouldn't agree, but I know DH would do that for me, I'd do it for him.
I know that is highly unlikely you'll have a spare £400 lolling down the back of the sofa but I swear to god the Allen Carr one day face to face group session totally sorted my out.
Fags and me went everywhere together. I loved smoking. LOVED IT. It caused rows in my life, tensions with colleagues, annoyed chums but I loved fags all the more.
Did the session on Valentines Day, haven't smoked since.
Ps: I don't work for Allen Carr, I just swear that my brain reprogrammed and it's been almost...easy
Well done on giving up on smoking. Get all the help you can.
You have both had a really frightening time. This is the fall-out. It should all be joyful when someone gets home from hospital after the event but actually, this is often when all the horrors start to hit home. Being angry -depressed etc. are part of that.
Be kind to each other - very gentle with the humour - and patient and get some patches.
Pps: what a shock you guys must've had re the heart attack so please take on board that'd be enough to crack anyone's calmness in two. X
If it helps:
my family have always noted that bad patients often make the best recovery... something about that cussedness - rage- irritation seems to keep the grim-reaper away.
Think of all those sweet gentle souls (in film and fiction) who fade away or go out with the tide. Beth in Little Women was never going to make it. These stories do have a foot on the truth.
Agree with Penfold, cancel out Auntie Linda, it's far too soon, don't tell him, just do it.
I'm sorry you're going through this OP, it must have been a dreadful shock, to you both. Well done on quitting smoking, but do seek advice, to take the edge off things, Rome wasn't built in a day !
Try to grit your teeth when he kicks off, he's probably pretty scared, and trying to make sense of things, at the moment. Be kind to yourself, can you slip away for a peaceful lounge in the bath, maybe ? 🌺
@ScarlettFreestone "Auntie Linda might be lovely by the way. If you haven't met her you don't know whether she'll "get" you or not. She might love you!*
God I wish this was true!
To put it into context, it was DP's adult daughter (my DSD, DS's sister)who text to "warn" DP about the visit from Aunt Linda, and it was she who pointed out that me and Linda may (in her words!) end up butting horns!
She is well known in the family for starting fights and looking down her nose, part of the problem will be that I cannot stand that, and won't "put up and shut up" for the sake of peace, but I think I might have to this time!
Agree with Evadne - heart attacks can impact personality for a while. My mum was really different and angry after hers. She's fine now though. Google it - its a proper thing.
Fair enough Lana but I would recommend keeping an open mind.
Bear in mind the family has years of baggage, you don't. I'd go in a charm offensive personally. I'm certainly not one for shutting up but there is more than one way to skin a cat.
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